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Chapter 10

Who Knew? Well... [ARNS]

by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Court Writer

Doctor Rolph Stollidjson looked out of place in his operation room whites as he stood before the court and pleaded not guilty to charges of murder.

Stollidjson had been charged under Bill C-484, the "Unborn Victims of Crime Act." The aptly named Private Members bill (because it affects individual Canadians? use of their private members) had been introduced into Parliament by Conservative MP Ken Epp. It was passed by a single vote just before Parliament adjourned for the election in which the Conservatives were routed.

Proponents of the bill argued that it would protect pregnant women from violent attacks. Opponents of the bill argued that it was a backdoor method - strange considering that Conservatives tend to prefer the missionary position - of attacking women's right to have an abortion.

"Gee, who knew that would happen?" Epp responded to the charges. "I certainly didn't foresee anything like this. No, seriously, stop laughing. This wasn't what I had intended when I - I asked you to stop laughing. Come on - I'm trying to be serious, he...he...hee hee."

"So, if the law wasn't supposed to affect doctors who perform abortions," Stollidjson asked, "why am I on trial?"

Epp is currently the host of a radio talk show called Hate the Sin AND the Sinner. He is considered one of the leaders to replace American talk show host Rush Limbaugh when his drug problems make it impossible for him to continue on the air.

Stephen Harper, who was Prime Minister at the time the bill was passed, commented, "Oh, well. Tough break. But, the world is a complicated place. You create laws with the best of intentions and sometimes they have unintended consequences?"

"Unintended consequences?" Stollidjson angrily asked. "I could be in jail for the rest of my life!"

Harper is now the Preston Manning Chair of Attacking Government from Within at the University of Calgary. He frequently writes lengthy articles for the op-ed pages of western newspapers about how his Conservative government was betrayed by the Canadian people, who weren't sufficiently appreciative of the gifts he brought them.

Rob Nicholson, then Conservative Minister of Justice and Attorney General of Canada, said, "Really? No. You must be mistaken. An abortion doctor? I don't believe it. I mean, we were very careful about crafting a bill that would punish every unborn child murderer except abortion doctors. Well, we tried."

"YOU DIDN'T TRY HARD ENOUGH!" Stollidjson screamed. A guard came over and shook his head. Stollidjson sat back down and watched the Crown attorney say that this was the worst case of premeditated unborn child murder that she had ever witnessed, and that she was already contemplating a nice warm bath when the day's testimony was over.

Since leaving politics, Nicholson has had a lucrative career as a partner in the law firm Chuck Bill Jack Mohinder Ted. His most high profile case was Hartounian v Tim's, where he argued that a man should be severely compensated for the trauma of finding an eyeball in his box of Timbits. It wasn't actually an eyeball, it was just a white Timbit with a spot of cherry jelly on it, but Nicholson argued that the principle was essentially the same. The fact that the judge laughed the case out of court in no way affected his fee.

Rona Ambrose, Intergovernmental Affairs Minister in the Harper government and an outspoken proponent of the bill, said, "Oopsy." When asked to elaborate, Ambrose added: "Oh, well, oopsy?" Representatives of Ambrose, speaking off the record, stated that when she accused opponents of the bill of "fear-mongering women" for bringing up the possibility that it would be used against abortion doctors, she meant it in the good sense of the phrase "fear-mongering women."

"Oh, no!" Stollidjson cried in despair. "I should have followed my mother's advice and become a novelist!" For his outburst, Stollidjson was removed from the court.

Ambrose, who, oddly enough, was not welcomed back with open arms to work with women's shelters, is currently rumoured to be working on her memoirs and a cookbook, possibly to be published in a single volume.

Since the law was enacted, the number of men who assault their pregnant wives or girlfriends has remained more or less the same. Nobody interviewed for this article was willing to comment on this fact.

Jane Doe, the woman on whom the abortion was performed, is set to go on trial next month.

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