Some Books Only Need One Chapter
The Daily Me - Sam Satiropoulos
Thank you, Sam Satiropoulos, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, CNN anchor Anderson Cooper admitted in an interview that he was gay. We looked out the window and found that the sun had, once again, risen in the east. We took an aspirin and found that, in fact, it still helped ease the pain of our migraines. We watched a John Boehner press opportunity (admittedly, the source of most of our migraines), and found, despite all our hopes, that he was still a clueless, pathetic douche. And, we thought: The gay rights movement has obviously achieved its objectives - coming out is no longer news! Whoa! Did Boehner really say...where did we put the aspirin?!
The Daily Me Staff
War (In Toronto) Is Hell
"WAR ZONE?" (screaming headline on the cover of the Toronto Sun)
Deployed Charlie Company to the Princess of Wales Theatre this morning to ensure that supply lines for Backbeat weren't disrupted. We've had reports of raids by small theatre producers on cold cream supply trucks - heartless bastards! Don't they know how itchy skin can get if an actor can't get makeup off his face in a timely fashion?
Alpha Company came back from a reconnaissance in Chinatown District. Half of them had hoison sauce on their chins - I can only imagine what hell they've been through, the poor bastards! Still, I think our efforts to win the hearts and minds of the local population is bearing fruit - they brought back photos of them posing with smiling, happy waiters at House of Gourmet. And, an order of sweet and sour spare ribs for their CO.
In a war zone, a soldier has to grab his pleasures where he can.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
A Storyline Jerry Bruckheimer Would Have Rejected
Drug company Pfizer Inc., bowing to allegations of deceptive advertising lodged by a consumer watchdog group, has agreed to stop saying that its Centrum multivitamin supplements can help people live forever.
"The company disagrees with the concerns of our critics," said a Pfizer press release after the ruling, "but, in order to get public health advocates off our backs, we will make superficial changes that we hope will satisfy a distracted populace."
It will take six months to change information on bottles and 30 days to change information on the company's Web site. The new claim will be that Centrum will help users live 10,000 years.
"Whaaaaaat!" shrieked the Centre for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI).
"Sounds like you have a blockage," the Pfizer press release told the CSPI. "You know, we have a pill for that..."
SOURCE: High Times and Misdemeanors
DETENTION DIARY: It's Good To Have A Dream...
Sooooo...with the trial short-circuited, I expect to be let out any day now.
No, Poetry Doesn't Have To Rhyme...Or Even Make Sense
Odd Words Coming From Somebody Who Has No Sense of the Common*
Remember, I said we want to take a common-sense, step-by-step approach to replacing Obamacare.
As I - as I said Republicans believe in a common-sense, step-by-step approach to replacing this law.
We're going take a common-sense, step-by-step approach that puts in place the kind of policies that will make our - our health insurance system more what I call patient-centered and lower cost.
No, this has to be - this has to be ripped out by its roots.
While we replace this, we can have a common-sense debate about which of these provisions ought to stay and which ought to go.
* John Boehner in an interview with CBS's Norah O'Donnell
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
The Thrill Is Gone
The Harper Government of Canada has announced that it will stop subsidizing foreign strippers coming to Canada to work in clubs and escort agencies.
"You want a thrill watching something revealed slowly before your very eyes?" asked Human Resources Minister Diane Finley. "Try submitting a Freedom of Information request!"
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
Raising The Level Of Discourse One Ill-informed, Racist Tweet At A Time
"Happy white peoples independence day. The slaves weren't free but I'm sure they enjoyed fireworks."
- comedian Chris Rock
"Slavery existed for 2000yrs before America. We eradicated it in 100yrs. We now have a black POTUS. ?#GoFuckYourself?."
- Jeff Schreiber of the ultra-libertarian America's Right website
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
Be Careful What Your Leaders Wish For...
According to the Centres for Disease Control, Florida has been covering up the worst tuberculosis outbreak in the United States in 20 years. But, why would they? Oh, sure, the Republican state government has been cutting funding for health care, including an unfortunately timed announcement that it would be closing a hospital that had treated the most difficult tuberculosis cases for over 60 years.
Still, Republicans wanted to return the United States to the 1890s. Didn't it occur to any of them that infectious diseases in the general population was part of the deal?
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
FEAR! FEAR! FEAR! FEAR! FEAR! Fine Print... FEAR! FEAR! FEAR!
Metro police have revealed the latest statistics, and they are shockers: over 3,000,000 Torontonians have been victims of gun violence in the first six months of 2012.
"This is ridiculous!" said criminal apologist - sorry, lawyer Clayton Ruby. "They redefined the term 'victim' to mean anybody who was within six miles of the discharge of a gun, even if nobody was actually hit by a bullet. It's like saying there's no hunger in the city because everybody is within six miles of somebody who has eaten a meal!"
"Hmm..." Mayor Rob Ford giggled, "I think I like that reasoning..."
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
The Denunciation Of The Great Satan In The Eleventh Hour Is Gripping...Sort Of...A Little...To Somebody...Probably...
So, we got our hands on a copy of a game called The Stressful Life of Salman Rushdie and Implementation of his Verdict, which was developed by members of Iran's Islamic Association of Students. In the game, you play an Islamic warrior whose goal is to carry out the Ayatollahs' fatwa against the author of The Satanic Verses.
Unfortunately, no matter how you play, you manage to kill Rushdie within the first five minutes. The next 17 hours of the game can be spent listening to speeches about how the Islamic revolution will crush all of its infidel enemies. The...idiosyncratic translation offers some entertainment value, but, really, 17 hours worth?
This will likely hold little appeal for western gamers.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report