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Chapter 51
January 14, 2018

Headlines Headlines Everywhere, But Nary a Pundit Who Thinks

Meet The New Boss, Same As The Old...Uhh...
Sing The New Song, Same As The Old Song?

"A new leader for nation hungry for change
Zimbabweans welcome Mnangagwa as president, celebrate new chapter" - Toronto Star

And Into His Cheese Omelettes?

"Beyond the words of Leonard Cohen" - Globe and Mail Ezra Levant Isn't Good For Anybody!




You Would Have Laughed If Woody Allen Had Said The Line!

"Is Ezra Levant good for the Jews?" - Canadian Jewish News

All Of Them

"How many years past 65 will you work?" - Globe and Mail

Is There Nothing The American President Can't Ruin?

"TDSB let pressure trump research" - Toronto Star

Hard To Erode What Hadn't Been Roded In The First Place (Unless It Was Railroded)

"Irish border debate threatens to erode Brexit talks" - Globe and Mail

More Keg Parties And Non-consensual Sex?

"Here's the gender gap that matters
Higher education has become so feminized that it's hard to see how it can be re-engineered to appeal to men" - Globe and Mail

They'll Be Supplied With Automatic Weapons To Defend Themselves?

"Mali's Elephants Get a Fighting Chance at Survival" - New York Times

Oh! Say! Can You "C"?

"Harper dispute threatened public trust: McLahlin" - Globe and Mail

The Other 10% Wish The 90% Wouldn't Be So Ungrateful

"90% of Canadians oppose tax havens" - Toronto Star

Any Sentence That Begins "What Do You Want To Bet..." Never Ends Well

"PokerStars owner's motion delays trial" - Toronto Star

Of Course - Margaret Wente Has Built Her Career On It!

"Is fake news okay if the cause is good?" - Globe and Mail

Good To See That Headline Writers Plan To Fill The Gap

"Weed marketing will be more low-key than blunt
Don't expect to see pot puns in advertising when drug is legal" - Toronto Star

For What? World War II? The Reformation? Margaret Wente? A Loss Of Perspective?

"A glimpse behind Day-Lewis's choice to leave acting
Actor made the news public to keep himself accountable" - Toronto Star

But, If The Holidays Were Inclusive, Everybody Would Want To Celebrate Them!

"The so-called war on Christmases past
Across the GTA in the 1990s, culturally diverse municipalities tried to make holidays inclusive" - Toronto Star

"Hello, Your Majesty," Is Highly Recommended, With A Curtsy If What It's Wearing Allows For The Movement

"It's time for Corporate Canada to address systemic discrimination" - Globe and Mail

Sound's Like A Good Idea

"China's stomps out ivory sales" - Toronto Star

Old Ones Were Getting Stale, Government Claims

"Germany looks at new Nazi war crimes" - Toronto Sun

When Using Guns To Hunt Bears Is Outlawed, Only Outlaw Bears Will Have Guns

"Labrador mayor dies after being shot hunting
Succumbs to injuries after struggling to get out of woods where he was hunting alone"" - Toronto Star

He's Just Another Trump Wannabe

"Cop charged after breaching bail Officer who shot Sammy Yatin accused of perjury, attempting to obstruct justice for 'false statement'" - Toronto Star

How Little Must You Think Of Your Readership To Put Such An Obvious Pun In Scare Quotes?

"Kathleen Wynne's 12 'daze' of Christmas" - Toronto Sun

For What? World War II? The Reformation? Margaret Wente? A Loss Of Perspective?

"A glimpse behind Day-Lewis's choice to leave acting
Actor made the news public to keep himself accountable" - Toronto Star

There Are No Contradictions, Despite What You May Have Heard

"Despite headwinds, there's good reason to invest in RioCan" - Globe and Mail

"Green bonds soar, despite lingering 'greenness' confusion" - Globe and Mail

"City tees up golf season despite subpar weather" - Toronto Star

"My husband cheats but says that he loves me" - Toronto Star

"Despite decreasing food prices, Loblaw's profits climb by 57%" - Toronto Star

"CIBC profit jumps, but deal doubts linger" - Globe and Mail

"Canadian firms turn bullish on Congo, despite its violence" - Globe and Mail

"Is Tesla's real value in its story?
Despite losing $773 million last year, investors are sold on the future of company" - Toronto Star

"Positive signs not enough to alter BoC rate outlook" - Globe and Mail

"Despite better GDP numbers, Canada's economy still has one major weakness" - Globe and Mail

Oh, Margaret, Don't Tease Us!

"How to retire:
Lessons from my husband" - Globe and Mail
Only Since The 90s
But Fear Of Technology Is Always A Growth Issue

"Internet's dark side a growing concern" - Toronto Star

Because We Can All Quit Early And Go For A Soda?

"Why an unachievable goal can be the best type of goal" - Globe and Mail

Accepts It Will Never See The Shoe Shrub Again

"Ingrate wants clothes tree back" - Toronto Sun

This Is A Special 24 Page Insert, Right?

"Why Trudeau prefers Ivanka to Donald" - Toronto Star

Maybe They Should Have Gone With Their First Choice: Eau De Santa's Sweatsocks

"Pumpkin spice scent prompts evacuation
Air freshener in U.S. School leaves several with upset stomachs, difficulty breathing" - Toronto Star

Coincidentally, That's The Approach I Wanted To Take With My Last Girlfriend

"Columbus: Defenders focus on historic voyage, not genocide" - Globe and Mail

I Am Shocked, Shocked, I Say, To Learn That There Are Civilians In Russia!

"In Russia, civilians 'learning how to kill'" - Toronto Star
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If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be, +

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The Alternate Reality News Service (ARNS) has two advice columns: Ask Amritsar, a column about love and sex and technology, and; Ask the Tech Answer Guy, a column about +