by FRED CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA, Alternate Reality News Service Science Writer
How can you avoid the worst effects of future shock? Get yourself future shock absorbers.
Future shock is like sticker shock, but without the drain on your bank account. Future shock is like an electric shock, but without the drain on your battery. Future shock is like penguin shock, but without the strain on your credulity.
Future shock happens when you are overwhelmed by technological change. The operating system on your computer updates without warning and you can't find any of your critical files. The light on your alarm clock won't stop flashing and no combination of pressed buttons seems to help. Everybody in your neighbourhood buys a Flamimba, and you have never heard of the technology and have no idea what it does, but you know you will be a laughinstock (similar to a laughingstock, but with 27% more Rowan and Martin) if you do not get one immediately (which is not possible because they are sold out everywhere and there is a six month waiting list to get it from Renaldo, the bootleg tech guy on the corner).
The condition can result in emotional numbness, often accompanied by a nasty purple rash in the shape of Steve Bannon.
Fly For a White Guy By Night Medical Research Corporation, a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp ("We do life saving physical and psychological intervention stuff"), has been conducting research into the effects of rapid technological change on the human psyche since Alvin Toffler was in diapers. They recently announced a breakthrough medical intervention: The Ted Logan Don't Give a Fuck Programme.
"Is it a therapy?" explained the corporation's CEO, Kumar Patel. "Kind of. Is it a drug? Maybe a little. If you squint really hard. Is it effective in reducing the anxiety of not being able to cope with the next generation of machines? More than you'll ever know, baby. More than you'll ever know."
Patel assured me that that wasn't just because the technique was proprietary, even though it is. Proprietary...with extreme prejudice.
"I...I suffered from future shock," said Randominium Via Persona, a future shock sufferer. "I was afraid to turn my computer on because I didn't know what would be there when I did. I bought a Flamimba, but I still have no idea what it does. I could have sworn I heard the itchy patch on my shoulder try to explain why the Deep State has to be burned to the ground. I needed help. So I tried the programme."
Via Persona claimed that in just six short years, she was able to turn on her computer and tune out her rash. She still doesn't know what to do with the Flamimba, but given that the instructions are in Japanese, this is not uncommon.
"Language barriers are just the mind's way of grappling with the ultimate isolation of individual human beings," Patel unreassuringly reassured us. "And, they're really bad marketing."
Future shock disrupts beta keratin waves, communications between neurons that deal with the higher brain functions of problem solving, judgment and the appreciation of well-aged cheese. This causes uncertainty as to how to proceed, which leads to anxiety, which leads to much binging of cupcakes – mmm, cupcakes! – especially those, like carrot, that have a cream cheese icing.
While the programme has not been proven effective in adults, FfaWGbNMRC recently went ahead with the scheduled release of The Ted Logan Don't Give a Darn Programme, which targets future shock sufferers from five to twenty years of age.
This has not gone over well with child psychologists. "Children have the best brain elasticity, which allows them to integrate new ideas and new technologies much more easily than adults," explained Sue-Anne Vargas-Zots, a member of that profession. "Anybody who has watched a three year-old play with a Flamimba understands this, extinctually if not consciously."
"So, I just have to get my niece Germanium to show me what the Flamimba does?" Via Persona asked, a bit too eagerly to be entirely emotionally healthy.
"Sure," Vargas-Zots replied. "As long as you can live with the embarrassment of having to have a new technology explained to you by a three year-old."
"She's five," Via Persona muttered. "Germanium is five. It's a big difference."
When I suggested that perhaps the real answer to future shock was to slow the pace of technological innovation, Patel snorted. "Have you ever heard of a technology that was created that wasn't ultimately publicly used?"
When I suggested that I wouldn't have had the opportunity to know about a technology that was never used in public, Patel frowned and grumbled, "It's positions like that that give corporate capitalism a bad name!"