Headlines Were Ready to Meet Their Maker
(They Were Prepared For the Disappointment)

Screw That Action!
If The Air Is Good Enough For The Orcs In Mordor, It's Good Enough For Us!

"Will purified air be tomorrow's filtered water?" - Toronto Star

A Stiff Breeze Could Derail Ottawa's Next Target

"CLIMATE CHANGE
Will spikes derail Ottawa's next target?" - Toronto Star

Jonathan Has Been Dead For Centuries, So It Seems Unlikely

"Will Swift next write a column for the Star?" - Toronto Star

 You...Didn't Think It Was For You, Did You?
I'll Laugh About This As Soon As My Mouth Unfreezes

"How will we afford private health care?" - Toronto Star

We Shored Up Our Sagging Skin With Toothpicks

"What did we do before we had plastic?" - Toronto Star

Give You A Good Back Rub And Help You Choose A Strong Fantasy Pickleball Team

"What can the different types of HYBRID VEHICLE do for me?" - Toronto Star

Because Most Voters' Moms Pushed Greens On Them When They Were Old Enough To Rebel

"Why don't Greens attract more voters?" - Toronto Star

Slow News Life?

"Are Woody and Matthew blood brothers?" - Toronto Star

 Rezone It For Low-income Housing!
(You Get The Sunlight You Can Afford)

"To carve a new PATH
Toronto's underground retail network was prime real estate before COVID. Has hybrid work humbled it for good?" - Toronto Star

Connie Francis

"Whose soiree now?" - Toronto Star

They Binge Watched Too Many Episodes Of Succession

"The Shadow King
Should the Shaw deal close, Rogers CEO Tony Staffieri will head up one of the largest telecom companies outside the U.S. So why do so many people still wonder whether he's really in charge?" - Toronto Star

 Talk About A Hairy Situation!
(Don't Make Jokes Like That)

"How do I cheer up my balding partner?" - Toronto Star

Not If Alberta Has Its Way

"Is Ontario where public health care will die?" - Toronto Star

Really? I'd Rather Drunch Alone And Avoid The Embarrassment!

Got the drunchies? You're not alone" - Toronto Sun

A Well Placed Doorknob Is Cheap, Effective And (If You Have Drunk Enough Rum) Pain-free

"An inconvenient TOOTH
Dental costs can catch you off guard and run in the thousands. What's the best way to plan if you don't have coverage through an employer?" - Toronto Star

To Show Her Support For Drag Queen Story Hour

"Sir Karl Jenkins is not Meghan Markle
Why would the Duchess attend the coronation looking like Super Mario's grandfather?" - Toronto Star

 No
Thanks For Asking, Though

"Is it possible to look stylish while playing golf?" - Toronto Star

I'm Hoping Not The One From The Original Lost In Space

"Which version of Smith will lead the province?" - Toronto Star

 Certainly
With Husband Is The Only Question...

"Will wife ever want to have sex again?" - Toronto Star

To Keep It Fun To Drive

"Entry-level coupe channels sporty past of BMW
230i delivers a dose of nostalgia; it's light, nimble, fun to drive. Why isn't a manual transmission offered?" - Toronto Star

Who It's Marketed To

"What makes a product for dogs vs. Humans?" - Toronto Star

How About A Compromise: Paintings Of Trees In The New Subway?

"Osgoode trees or a new subway?" - Toronto Star

No, Thanks - I'm Trying To Lose Weight

"Election interference?" - Toronto Sun

If Guy Grand Taught Us Nothing Else, It Is That It's Just A Matter Of Negotiating The Price

"Why couldn't any sport be bought?" - Toronto Star

Tell Her You're Done Splitting Hairs

"How do I break up with my hairdresser?" - Toronto Star

I'm Going To Go Out On A Limb Here And Say...The Sopranos And Game of Thrones...

"Return of the classics
Gen-Zers are watching 'The Sopranos' and 'Game of Thrones' for the first time. What are they discovering?" - Toronto Star

 Sure. Ballet Is Basically Ice Hockey...Without The Skates.
Or Sticks.
Or Pucks.
Or Brutality.
Other Than That, It's Virtually Impossible To Tell Them Apart!

"I like sports. She likes ballet. Can it work?" - Toronto Star

Where Could You Have Possibly Got That Ridiculous Idea?

"House-hunting is meant to be fun, isn't it?" - Toronto Star

 Nope
Ironically, It Has A Bad Case Of Arrested Development

"RCMP
It's getting older, but is it getting wiser?" - Toronto Star

Sandpaper Applied Three Times A Day Without Passing Out

"What's a simple, but effective, men's skin care routine?" - Toronto Star