You Call These Headlines? In My Day...

Sounds Like My Ex
Aww, Who Am I Kidding? Sounds Like A Lot Of People's Exes!

"Taliban Fighters, Bored by Peace, Seek Battles" - New York Times

 Like The Attic
After 27 Years, Nobody Expected To Find Uncle Eddy Up There!

"Finding family ties
The rise of genealogy tours allows travellers to trace long-lost ancestors - sometimes in unexpected places" - Toronto Star

The Provincial Premiers Have Spoken!

"Trudeau makes housing top priority" - Toronto Star

Egypt Shakes Its Head And Says, "You're A Bit Late To The Party..."

"Titanic expedition faces hurdle
U.S. government opposes Georgia firm's plans to recover artifacts, says shipwreck is a gravesite" - Toronto Star

When Magnifying Glass Is Removed, House Not Nearly The Size They Were Expecting

"Couple, about to move into new home, gets big surprise" - Toronto Star

That's What Numbered Company Subsidiaries Are For

"Corporate world won't be able to shrug off governance issues" - Toronto Star

 That's Not Reason For Celebration:
They're The Sort Of Contractions That Lead To A Difficult Birth

"End of interest rate hikes coming
Bank of Canada may have achieved its goal of price stability, expert says, as economy contracts" - Toronto Star

Gotta Do Something To Prepare For Their Retirement

"Ontarians all in on sports betting" - Toronto Star

Were Hoping To Hear More Modern Blues Tunes

"Farmers in Europe Rebel Over Green Standards" - New York Times

Look At How Well Bake Sales Work For Schools

"Other ways to get cash for Toronto besides tax hike" - Toronto Star

Why? Our Bottom Line Is Very Healthy

"Employers must change approach to well-being" - Toronto Star

Fortunately, My Current Home Has No Extradition Treaty With Hawaii

"MAUI WANTS YOU BACK" - Toronto Star

How Can They When Most Of Them Are So Ancient?

"Teachers should prepare students for modern world" - Toronto Star

Proving Joni Mitchell's Prophetessness Once Again

"Ford bulldozes ahead to pave the Greenbelt" - Toronto Star

 True
But Dying Might Affect Their Test Scores

"School closings harmful to kids" - Toronto Star

 1. Their Policies
2. Their Personalities
3. Their Petticoats

"The Conservatives biggest obstacles" - Toronto Star

Results Are Outward Evident

"Biographer Sullivan turns gaze inwardly" - Toronto Star

They Live Inside Banks

"REAL ESTATE
Investors now own 30% of market" - Toronto Star

So, A Grand Toupercar, Then? Sounds Like A Pokemon Character...Or A Medieval Religious Interrogator...

"Aston Martin's mash-up of supercar, grand tourer" - Toronto Star

That Will Show All Those Workers Who Unrealistically Demand A Living Wage, Boy! That Will Just...Will Just...Just Show Them! Something...!

"Carney supports call for austerity
Former Bank of Canada governor said recession in store for country" - Toronto Star

Carpet Bombing Parking Lots, On The Other Hand...

"Taxing parking is not a war on the car" - Toronto Star

Only Aspiring News Writers Under Thirty Can Apply...Uhh...

"Star starts Journalism in Ageing fellowship" - Toronto Star

Ontario Greenbelt Says: "How Can I Get Me Some Of That Action?"

"Protesters rally over plan to redevelop historic Tokyo park
Move would see nearly 3,000 trees cut down in city's downtown green space" - Toronto Star

 Rest Assured That There Will Be No Repeats
There Are New Disasters Just Dying To Happen!

"Avoiding repeat of LTC disaster" - Toronto Star

I Very Much Doubt Opie Is Going To Go For It

"Trudeau must deliver assault weapons ban" - Toronto Star

The Best Gift You Can Give Anybody During The Holiday Season Is Denial

"Happy holidays - and happy wallet" - Toronto Star

 YOU WANT: Climate Justice
YOU'LL SETTLE FOR: A Little Climate Change Mitigation
YOU'LL GET: An Oil-powered Emergency Warning Light

"Our youth deserve climate justice" - Toronto Star

 How Can You Say That?
According To Your Supporters, Being Saved From Homosexual Indoctrination IS A Real Need Of Vulnerable Children!

"Ford is ignoring the real needs of vulnerable children" - Toronto Star

We're Ready To Trip And Fall On Our Own Two Feet!

"Royals popularity waning
Growing number of Canadians say it's time to rethink ties, new poll finds" - Toronto Star

Majority Of Majority Waiting For The Rest To Do Something About It

"Majority of Canadians concerned about climate" - Toronto Star

Best Pitch For A Reality TV Show EVER!

"Dad may be a cheater, but I don't like mom" - Toronto Star

If You're Sticking It In Your Ear, You're Doing It Wrong

"It's time to discuss use of contraception" - Toronto Star