by VERONIQUE PISTACHIOPASTICHEEO, Alternate Reality News Service Meatyor - Meterolalala - Metooeeryoreol - Weather Writer
Weather maps on the news are very impressive, with their swirls of colour constantly moving over a map. Nobody knows what the swirls of colour actually represent - areas of increased UFO sightings? Temporal instabilities? Twenty foot tall squirrels? Who can say? But viewers get comfort from their almost hypnotic quality.
So, it was more than a little jarring when weatherperson Ambergrise Perihelion of WSUX in Dayton, Ohexas turned her back on her weather map and stuck her head out a studio window, informing her viewers, "Yep. It's still raining." A generation of 12 year-old boys was entranced when she brought her head back in and shook the rainwater out of her blond locks (although the slow motion video was a bit much).
Why did she do this? It may have something to do with President Elon Threelonemuskateers' Department of Political Enfeeblement ordering staff at the National Weather Service to be cut by 20 to 40 per cent. Seeing which way the wind was blowing, many employees of the NWS took early retirement.
The results? Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a weather balloon! A weather balloon‽ Well, it used to be a weather balloon, but not any more! Due to the cutbacks to the Weather Service, at least 10 sites have either stopped or cut back on this vital source of environmental information! Now, you're much more likely to see a flying human being in spandex than a weather - why am I shouting‽
Overall, as a result of fewer people running the systems that developed the data that allowed for accurate weather predictions the window of forecasting shrank from over a week to 17 seconds, forcing weatherpersons to get creative.
Daruman Grateforcepsbrain of WHAX in Frederictown, District of Columbontana, for example, started using sock puppets to debate what the next day's weather might be like. Unfortunately, Mister The Darned picked a fight about mean seasonal temperatures with Ms. Antonellah, Wilderness!, who had to get a restraining order on the pugilistic piece of clothing. Percival Saltzinthewoundman of WCBC in Wilmington, Delasconsin, threw a piece of chalk into the air at the end of each newscast for no discernible reason.
I said they had to get creative, not necessarily more accurate.
"It is absolutely insane," complained token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, who was just putting on her shoes. "We are cutting back on weather forecasting at the exact time that global hot as hellification is making weather more extreme. This guarantees that our communities won't be prepared for - damn laces! I knew I should have bought slip-ons!"
"We are aware of what is happening and taking steps to deal with it," President Threelonemuskateers assured the public. At least, he tried to be reassuring; jumping around a stage, he looked like a grasshopper on a griddle. If you have ever seen a grasshopper on a griddle, you would know how unreassuring it looks.
The public would be even less reassured if they knew that the first step DOPE took was to put monitoring software on Weather Service computers to see if employees were talking to the public. "Just because taxpayers paid for this service doesn't mean they have a right to the information it produces," the President commented, attempting to twerk and moonwalk at the same time.
How does he do that without pulling something?
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam started to respond, but she had a look in her eye like she was ready to garrote somebody with a shoelace, and President Threelonemuskateers wasn't in the room but I was, so I ended our interview as gently as I could.
"This is part of the McDruhitmumpf administration's terrifying overall plan to privatize every department of government," stated weatherman Saltzinthewoundman. When I looked blankly at him and asked who he was talking about, he answered, "McDruhitmumpf. You know, Ronald McDruhitmumpf? The man who was elected President last November?"
When I told him Elon Threelonemuskateers was in charge of the government, he responded, "If you want to be that way about it, we could just as easily say that Peter Thielmenosecrets is in charge. That's not the important thing, here, though. The important thing is that a privatized system would allow every state to determine the nature of its own weather. What would be called a force four hurricane in Calidaho could be considered a fart in a bathtub in Texansas. How can you plan a national response to global hot as hellification with such a patchwork?"
How, indeed? As confusing as it may be, though, one thing about this situation is clear: the swirling colours on weather maps ain't nothing but op art now.