by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics/Government Deconstruction Writer
When they set out to make a cabinet, most people are not carpenters and can't be bothered. But, uhh, that doesn't make for a very useful lede, so let me start by saying that: when they set out to buy a cabinet, most people look for something built out of sturdy materials (oak, say, or a the average alter kocker right winger's head - they're so dense you wonder how their bodies support them!).
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf is not most people. In fact, he's not any other people. As it happens, on some days he isn't even himself. But that's a topic for another article.
Knowledge? Leadership skills? The ability to articulate complex ideas in an accessible manner? Yeah, no. President McDruhitmumpf will have none of that. He chooses his cabinet materials based on two criteria: how sycophantic they can be (L) and how good they look on camera (C). Multiply the two factors together, and add a Secret Sauce (SS) that only the President knows (but can be inferred by how much affection is contained in his insults towards particulat cabinet members), and you get what some might call the "McDruhitmumpf Quotient" (MQ):
The fact that his cabinet is made of tissue paper, spit and promises for the future that are based on lies is a feature, not a bug. That it would collapse if you tried to place a book on it (or even sighed in its direction) might explain why banning books is so popular with Reduhblicans.
Consider the case of Secretary of Offence Pete Hedaiggsethative, whose most important qualification for running the largest bureaucracy in the world was that he had used funds from the non-profit organization he led, Concerned Veterans for Veterans Veteranning, for his personal use, abused employees and was often drunk in the office after having a completely undistinguished career in the military been a regular pundit on Foxindehenhaus News, where he distinguished himself by his dazzling smile and aggressive virility. [L = 9 C = 10 SS = 8 MQ = 98]
Or President McDruhitmumpf's choice for head of the Federal Bureau of Instigations, Kash Patternovlibhell. His only qualifications, as far as anybody can tell, are his ability to ridicule his rivals, a quality the President admires (it goes without saying, as long as it isn't directed at him...which I just said so that...you would know which thing that goes without saying I was referring to - with this government, there are so many to choose from!) and his appetite to destroy the institution he was chosen to lead (which, it goes without saying - see, there really are a lot of them! - aligns closely with the President's inclinations). [L = 10 C = 8 SS = 7 MQ = 87]
Or Tulsi Gabbardeenhaershyrt as Director of National Security. She giggles behind her hand when anybody mentions the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, Rupert Mountkilamanjoy. "Tee hee hee hee hee hee h -" Oh, get a room, girl! She passes Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy mash notes during international gatherings, only instead of sweet nothings they contain state secrets. Her main qualification for the position is...umm...can I get back to you on that? [L = 9 6 = 9 SS = 3 MQ = 84]
Or Health and Human Disservices Secretary Robert F. Kennebunkedy, Jr. He's not a doctor. He doesn't play one on TV. He has never even watched a TV medical series. It shows. Vaccines? He hates them. Autistic people? He double hates them, because he believes they were created by vaccines. Children who have died because they didn't receive vaccinations that could save them? As long as he's making money from quack cures, he can live with them. So to speak. [L = 9 C = 8 SS = 6 MQ = 78]
I could go on, but this isn't the Ferret and Firkin, and I'm not on my third glass of oh, sherry, so I will end with one other cabinet member: Linda "I Learned Everything I Need To Know About Schools From the Streets, Motherferker!" McOndemandgland as Secretary of Education. Maybe being married to the man who ran professional wrestling gave her insights into dealing with children (big, impossibly muscular children with poor impulse control, perhaps, but still). Or maybe her support of vouchers and private schools, which would put a stake through the heart monitor machine of the already ailing public school system, is what makes her so attractive to President McDruhitmumpf. [L = 9 6 = 6 SS = 5 MQ = 68]
"This may be the most corrupt and incompetent government in the history of the United States," commented token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. Was that...admiration in her voice.
"That wasn't admiration in my voice!" the token smart person rebuked me. "That was admiration in your voice!"
Looks like somebody needs a vacation!