by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
What do the following statements have in common?
1. "Sir, I cannot begin to describe what an honour and a privilege it has been to serve with you these past three months. I have learned so much from the most masterful politician Vesampucceri has ever seen that I feel like a pinata that, with the gentlest poke, could burst, spreading knowledge across this great country of ours, something that makes your decision to abolish the Department of Education seem not only brilliant, but positively prescient. What other president can claim to see into the future? You are the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"
2. "I will admit, Mister President, that I was skeptical of DOPE at first. What do Elon Threelonemuskateers and his teenage Cossacks know about running a government? But with time I have come to see the brilliance of your thinking (on top of being the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life). The government runs some IT that was old when Methuselah got his first abacus for a bar mitzvah present, but its update will finally be completed while you are in office. I am in awe of your ability to get necessary things done, sir. Complete and utter awe!"
3. "Mister President, my admiration for you is not just because you are the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life. It's about the utter audacity of your policy that threatened to destroy the world economy to bring all those factories back to Vesampucceri. Every day brings an announcement of new factory being built in the country, so guess what? It worked! And we're gonna train people in tradecraft. That's right, I said ‘tradecraft.' You wanna destroy the peaceful harmony of your workplace with muttered complaints about unreasonable shift lengths or unsafe working conditions or joining a union? You'll never know the co-worker who ratted you out to management and got you fired! That's how good they're gonna be at tradecraft! You have a bold vision for the future, sir, routed through the nineteenth century. Genius, I say! Pure genius!"
Well, yes, they're all so over the top they're probably back staring at the bottom, but that's not what these statements have in common. Of course, they're insincere - that's a given. You...aren't really that good at pattern recognition, are you? What the statements have in common is that they were all made by top officials in the McDruhitmumpf administration in a publicly televised cabinet meeting (Treasury Secretary Scott Bessentintohel, Commerce Secretary Howard Slutnickotiemowt and Vice President JD Onvancewarpedtur for those of you keeping score at home).
Each hour-long cabinet meeting starts with 57 minutes of praise for President Ronald McDruhitmumpf from each person sitting at the table; throughout, the Cabinet member (whom you might think had a modicum - more than a modibum, less than a modidum - of self-respect) grins like a toddler who has just been told that they made a "perfect poopies."
"How insecure do you have to be to be the leader of the most powerful nation on the planet and still need everybody who works under you to sing your praises for fear of your retribution if their worship is not fulsome enough?" wondered token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "How insecure do you have to be to know you're smarter, richer or more successful than the President, but allow yourself to be subjected to this humiliation on a regular basis? *SHUDDER*"
This demand for ritual supplication (a common feature of political cults, but the Reduhblican Party isn't a cult because Dear Leader says it isn't and nobody dares contradict him) has consequences. In a well run democracy, a president's cabinet gives him their best advice, whether or not he will like it; he generally ignores it, but the fact that it is available is supposed to be an important feature of the system. In an idiotocracy, none of the cabinet members are qualified to hold their positions, so their advice would be more likely to make the country worse than better...perhaps it's for the best that the entire cabinet only has three minutes to discuss policy.
The display of high fidelity at cabinet meetings will reinforce the love diehard MAGAts have for President McDruhitmumpf. It will also discourage opponents from opponenting him: if these powerful men and women are willing to embarrass themselves in front of him, what can any of us do?
"Why does the press constantly overthink things?" token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam demanded. "The President isn't playing three dimensional chess; he's playing Operation, and he's already stabbed the board in half a dozen places! He demands his cabinet praise him because he has a bottomless pit of need where his ego should be and it constantly has to be filled. Any other consideration is - and I say this as a professional political pundit - just added fibre in his poopies!"