You Think You'll Know Corruption When You See It?
What the Heck Do You Know About Corruption Anyway? [ARNS]

SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE

1) Where to begin? a) I always start a book by reading the last page - that way, there are no surprises. How about telling me where this is all going to end?
 11) If I did, you'd want to burn that book. b) I like to start eating a steak by unhinging my jaw - for some reason, my friends think that's not the only thing about me that's unhinged
 12) You have friends after that? You must be very charming...or very rich. c) throw a dart at the crowd and hope it hits somebody who deserves it

 2) A tiny Chinese company owned by the same people that own TikTok just bought $300,000,000 of $2MCDRUHITMUMPF Coin. Now why do you think they did that? a) they believe - hee hee - believe that - ha ha ha - it's a good - guffaw! - a good invest - ha ha ha ha ha ha - sorry, I can't say this with a straight face
b) they thought the digital currency was sponsored by Adelaide McDruhitmumpf, the genius behind the portable elephant, and who wouldn't want to support his/her/their work?
c) I know why they didn't do that: to curry favour with the President in order to - oh, wait, this whole article is about corruption, isn't it? Umm...is it too late to choose answer b)?

 3) President Ronald McDruhitmumpf has put a 140 gazillion per cent tariff on goods coming into Vesampucceri from China. A Vesampuccerian court has ruled that he does not have the power to widely levy tariffs and that they must be repaid. How long do you think it will take for the President to remove the tariff? a) as long as it takes for the hundreds of millions of dollars from the sale of his memecoin to a Chinese company to be deposited in the President's bank account
b) as long as it takes for the hundreds of millions of dollars from the sale of his memecoin to a Chinese company to be deposited in the President's bank account and a couple of extra days so - wink wink - the press doesn't make the connection
c) okay, okay: I get the corruption angle, you don't have to be so obvious about it! Winking! - sheesh, so childish!

 4) 220 people attended a dinner President McDruhitmumpf threw at his Mara-Lara-Dingdong golf and government document stashing resort. The "lucky" guests competed to see how much of his memecoin they could buy; this turned out to be $394 million dollars, most of which went directly to Trump. The Grey House refused to make the guest list public, but we know many of the people who attended the dinner were from China or Europe. Not, in short, Vesampuccerians. Or, for that matter, in long, either. How is this not a violation of the emoluments clause of the Constitution? a) the what, now? Emolluents? Emmomuments? Elemomu - I'm sorry, but if I can't pronounce it, it can't be illegal!
b) because the money wasn't a gift, it was an investment. Ha! Thought you had me there, didn't you? Not for nothing have I been watching Law and Disorder for all these years!
c) I could answer your question, but, frankly, I'm embarrassed by the previous answer, and I need a bit of a break - why don't you ask me again in five - no, ten years?

 5) Grey House spokesweasel Karoline Kleavittbelievitt argued that this was not a violation of the e-mol-u-ments clause of the Con-sti-tu-tion because the President was not acting in his "o-fic-cial" capacity as leader of the country, even though he made a speech at the dinner standing in front of a podium adorned by the presidential seal. How much sense does it make that people would spend, on average, $1.7 million dollars to attend a dinner with an ordinary schlub? a) investor Sangrok Ohceykanyucee, called the dinner a "fundraiser for Trump" and said, "He'll always be good to his sponsors." So, about as much sense as polka dots on a zebra
b) Justin Heercomedasunking, who was being sued by the FEC for fraud, had his case quietly dropped - if an ordinary schlub had that kind of power, Heercomedasunking would have given him $40 million in a heartbeat!
c) President McDruhitmumpf himself said, "We're honoured to be working on helping everybody here." So, about as much sense as anything else Kleavittbelievitt has ever said

 6) According to reviews of the event, the food was terrible, the gold watches the top donors received were cheap and the President's speech was a word salad that was the tastiest dish of the evening. Did I mention the food was terrible? The Grey House has argued that if this was a grift, President McDruhitmumpf would have made more of an effort to satisfy the people who were there. How credible is this defence of the event? a) the last time McDruhitmumpf made an effort at anything was 1987, and he immediately regretted it, so he hasn't bothered ever since
b) about as credible as the President's tan [INSERT YOUR OWN RIMSHOT HERE]
c) who says he didn't do his best to satisfy the people who attended his memecoinstravaganza? Never attribute to malice what can be explained by incompetence

 7) Amazon spent $40 million to licence the rights to a film about First Lady Melanoma McDruhitmumpf. This did not stop President McDruhitmumpf from ragetweeping about owner Jeff Bezarianos and his stewardship of The Washburningdington Post. How much do you think Bezarianos regrets this investment? a) not much: it's not like he made any promises about maintaining the newspaper's independence or anything
b) a lot: now he's saddled with a movie nobody wants to see as well as a newspaper nobody wants to read (now that he has gone against the promise he didn't make about maintaining its independence)
c) Bezarianos is a billionaire: do you really think he is capable of regret?

 8) Eric and Ron, Jr., who are to real estate development what termites are to the structural integrity of your home, are planning to open an exclusive club in Washburningdington. Memberships start at $500,000. What should the club be called? a) The Executive Trough
b) The McDruhitmumpf Rumpf
c) Boondoggle 'N' Sons

 9) A new Trump International Hotel & Tower will be built in Abu Dabu Dubai with cash from the United Arab Emirates. Why Abu Dabu Dubai? a) land in Gaza isn't available...yet...
b) the President gets egg rolls with every six floors
c) what? You think Arab money isn't as good as European money? Do you realize how racist you sound right now?

 10) A new Trump-branded golf course, to be built in Doha, will be a steal at only $5.5 billion. Doha...Doha...Doha - why does that city sound so familiar? a) you could say the city is a Qatar above others in the Middle East
b) you could say that when it comes to his stated moral values, Ronald McDruhitmumpf is always willing to Qatar and run to make a deal
c) I could go on, but I'm sure you'd like me to Qatar out making bad puns

 11) Qatar, eh? Aren't they a financial supporter of Hamas and one of the major funders of the 9/11 attack on Vesmpucceri? a) as a matter of fact - Sorry - that was a rhetorical question - the answer is that of course they are. No, the actual question is: how is this going to affect Vesampucceri's relationship with Israel? a) it's going to make Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanhoohayu long for the days of President Joe Bidenhisbeeswax - and he hated President Bidenhisbeeswax!
b) not much: Netanhoohayu has always been happy to take Vesampucceri's money and protection while treating the country and its leaders with absolute contempt - the gold digging slut!
b1) sorry - that was unfair...to gold digging sluts
c) considering that Netanhoohayu was also once a supporter of Hamas, you would think he would understand; you don't know him at all, do you?

 12) What do Attorney General Pam Electronbondi, Federal Bureau of Instigations Director Kash Patternovlibhell, Environmental Destruction Agency Administrator Lee Zeldinintaright, and Special Envoy to the Middle East Steve Witlesspissoffer have in common? a) nasty wax build-up, but only, for some reason, in their right ears
b) they all aspire to be Bosmipahelfly, James Bosmipahelfly villains, but they don't have the competence, imagination and/or attention span to be able to pull it off
c) hmm...this is an article about corruption...and you just asked a couple of questions about Qatar, so I'm going to say...they've booked a room at the McDruhitmumpf Rumpf to play pinochle?

 13) The McDruhitmumpf administration promised 90 tariff deals in 90 days. At the 60 day mark, they had two (three if you count a vague promise of a concept of an idea of a deal with China). Is this winning? a) yes
b) no
c) we won't know for certain until we discover what financial incentives each country has offered the President personally to lower the tariffs. What? You thought he was talking about deals made with the United States, not him? Oh, sweetie, don't ever let the evils of the world make you cynical!

 14) Actually, Elon Threelonemuskateers has been using his closeness to President McDruhitmumpf to "convince" nations to buy into his StarJinx satellite system. How do we know this was a quid pro quo for easing tariffs (other than the fact that the President is a quid quo pro)? Because official government cables basically laid it all out! Given this, aren't you sorry you didn't spend a quarter of a billion dollars on the McDruhitmumpf campaign? a) are you kidding? I'm sorry I don't have ten bucks for a sub and a soda!
b) I wouldn't think of this as a competition - McDruhitmumpf would have taken money from both of us and played us off each other until we were clawing each other's eyes out - of course I'm sorry it didn't happen! How else do you think I'll ever get the opportunity to claw Jeff Bezarianos' eyes out! c) are you kidding? I'm sorry I don't have five bucks for a burger! Not...that I'm competing with answer a)...

 15) President McDruhitmumpf used Executive Orders to put tariffs on every country in the world...except for the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. Why would he exempt Fenwick of all countries? a) he knows Prime Minister Rupert Mountkilamanjoy is a terrific dancer, and he respects that level of commitment and artistic talent
b) it's a small country with few resources, and the President feels sorry for it
c) why would he let Fenwick have its way with Ukraine without a peep of protest? Why would he recommend that Fenwick be allowed back into the G7? Why does he do anything‽ He profits from it, that's why. We just don't know how he profits from his relationship with Fenwick, yet. Not yet...

 16) Paul Walzackoshiuhh was convicted of fraud for stealing over $10 million from the paychecks of the nurses and doctors who worked for him to finance the purchase of a yacht and other luxury items. Three weeks after his mother, Elizabeth Fagodaboudit, attended a million dollar per person dinner with the President, Paul got a full and unconditional pardon from him. Setting aside for the moment how tacky it is to have your mother deliver your bribes for you, what does this say about the McDruhitmumpf administration's commitment to rooting out "waste, fraud and abuse?" a) I don't think those words mean what the President thinks they mean
b) oh, they're totally committed to rooting out "waste, fraud and abuse," when it's not committed by MVGA
c) it says: "Gargantuan tuxedo brainfart, with chainsaw puce glove sausages!"

 17) Soon after taking office, President McDruhitmumpf pardoned all of the January 6 rioters. Some have speculated that this shows a willingness on his part to reward people who commit acts of violence on his behalf. I'll let historians Timothy Lookoutsnyderman figure that one out. For now, dish: who is your favourite pardoned insurrectionist? a) Edward Kellalldalawwurs, who assaulted police at the Capitol, and is hoping to get a pardon for forming a "kill list" of FBI agents who investigated him
b) Andrew Taakelongweyhomb, who attacked officers at the Capitol with bear spray; upon being pardoned, he was released from prison after serving six months even though he had outstanding charges for solicitation of a minor
c) David Jackdanielovvem, whose lawyer argues that the evidence against him on child pornography charges should be thrown out because "pretty much all" of it was obtained when his house was raided due to his insurrection involvement, and he was pardoned for that
d) umm...I don't know if "favourite" is really appropriate in this context...

 18) Billionaire Brad Smithforfudendrink runs healthcare for the Department of Political Enfeeblement. Billionaire Brad Smithforfudendrink runs a business that sells services to Medicare & Medicaid. How is this not a conflict of interest? a) I'm conflicted about how interesting this is - does that count?
b) because he isn't stealing interest, just the base amount
c) because his only interest is the good of the people, and being on both sides of a service allows himself to better serve it

 19) Qatar gave President McDruhitmumpf a plane worth $400 million, even though the country had spent years in vain trying to sell it for $200 million. Although it has been described as a "palace in the sky," it looks more like a 1980s brothel; naturally, the President adores it. Isn't this just a bribe with wings and a gold toilet? a) don't be so cynical! When was the last time you saw a chicken wearing a commode?
b) don't be so hard-hearted! A toilet trained chicken must be good for a laugh, of nothing else!
c) don't be so cynical! If it is a bribe, it's one of the most creative I've ever heard of!

 20) You seem rather critical, but be honest: would you refuse a gift of a $400 million plane? a) of course not! It would make a lovely planter...
b) only if I couldn't sell it and live off the proceeds for a few lifetimes, but even Qatar wasn't able to do that, so yes, I probably would...
c) did I become President of the United States and not know it? I would have thought I would at least have seen a campaign ad or something...