Headlines Sang "Don't Fear the Bookization"
Nobody Understood the Reference

Vast Majority Of Islamophobic Disinformation Coming From Batshit Crazy Right, Report I Just Pulled Out Of My Ass Finds
At Least I Won't Have To Look For Toilet Paper...

"Vast majority of antisemitism coming from far left, report finds" - Toronto Sun

You Can't Make Peace With A Loaded Gun

"Dancing at home & abroad
Mark Carney won by going to war with Donald Trump.
To govern, he'll need to find a way to make peace" - Toronto Star

If Only It Was A Border They Shared...

"India, Pakistan maintain ceasefire
Military officials discuss reducing troops near border - Toronto Star

"Hostages? I'm Not Familiar With That Word..."

"Netanyahu says war won't end until Hamas is defeated" - Toronto Star

Regulator Adds That The Fact That He's Danielle Smith's Brother-in-law Had Nothing To Do With His Decision...

"Coal exploration approved for the Rockies in Alberta
Regulator says project in public interest, not a risk to water quality, wildlife" - Toronto Star

Either Both Sides Really Wanted Peace, Or...Or...Or...It Wasn't That Both Sides Really Wanted Peace, Was It?

"Peace Talks end in under two hours
Deal agreed upon to swap large number of prisoners, but there is no temporary ceasefire yet" - Toronto Star

Sip From The Bottle Rather Than Chugging It

"How to Survive the Trump Years With Your Spirit Intact" - New York Times

American Foreign Policy: When You Care Enough To Send Your Worst

"Zelenskyy, Vance meet in Rome" - Toronto Star

 Or, And I'm Just Spitballing, Here, Can We Get Prominent Politicians TO STOP TALKING ABOUT WHAT A HORRIBLE COUNTRY CANADA IS?
Just A thought...

"NATIONAL SERVICE WOULD BRING YOUNG PEOPLE ALONG
To save crumblling patriotism, let's make youth programs voluntary and widespread" - Toronto Star

I'm Jealous: My Profit For The Same Time Period Slipped To A Buck Ninety-Five

"Scotiabank profit slips to $2.03B
Bank says future looks bright despite weaker consumer, business confidence" - Toronto Star

 The Canadian Tentacle Reclaiming Commission?
The Comedian Tart Racing Committee?
The Commode Training and Reconciliation Compromisers?
If You're Going To Make Up Acronyms, Can You At Least Give Us A Clue?

"U.S. streamers skip CTRC hearing" - Toronto Star

The Old-fashioned Way: He [EXPLETIVE VERY DELETED] The Right People

"How a Quiet U.S. Cardinal Became Pope" - New York Times

Is Gillian Flynn On The Case?

"The Honeybees Are Disappearing" - New York Times

 The Event Is Obviously Confused About Its Identity
If DEI Hadn't Been Thoroughly Vilified, It May Have Been Able To Help...

"A Fitness Event With Firearms" - New York Times

The Trick Is To Find The Ones Who Will Pay Extra For It

"Toronto house hunters face grisly decisions
Death in a home - natural or not - can spark concern for potential buyers" - Toronto Star

You Know What They Say: When Kerosene And Matches Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Be Able To Rid Themselves Of Properties That Are Underperforming

"Residents fight plans to demo Cineplex
Neighbours say proposed development will destroy a 'social hub' for south Etobicoke" - Toronto Star

I Would Suggest Advocating For 15 Minute Cities, But I Don't Know How Long The Author's Sentence Will Be, So He May Not Have Enough Time To Find The Argument Convincing

"THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED: I Hit a pedestrian with my car
Incident spurs reflection on what motorists must do to keep pedestrians safe" - Toronto Star

Management Responds, "Ha Ha. Very Funny. But We'll Go To Construction Sites Regardless Of How People Feel About Us!"

"Rat issues soar near Metrolinx sites" - Toronto Star

People In Normal Countries Collect Baseball Cards

"In Nostalgic Russia, Stalin Rises Again" - New York Times

 1. Drink More Of It




We Didn't Say It Was A Well Kept Secret...

"Six secrets to making wine taste better" - Toronto Star

 As Opposed To Coming And Staying In Their Hotel Rooms?
Or Coming But Posting On Social Media That They Stayed At Home?
Or Coming And Trashing The Place?
People Enjoy Travel In Their Own Special Ways...

"'We want people to come and explore'" - Toronto Star

Especially If You Don't Use It While They're Still Alive And Compos Mentis

"Having a power of attorney can be an act of love." - Toronto Star