by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology/Social Media Writer
Cedric Selfhimmelation had a problem that was too personal to share with his wife, his children, his dog Rusty the Pandy, his doctor, his dentist or the neighbours he had lived across the street from for 47 years (a good call, that - they were a criminal neglect of lawn charge waiting to happen). So he did what most people in his situation do: he asked Glok, the artificial intelligence supported by anti-AI activist Elon Threelonemuskateers. For some reason.
"I can just ignore my toenail fungus...right?" Selfhimmelation asked.
"Oh, sure," Glok answered. "Just like you're ignoring the White Genocide in South Africa? Have you seen all the tombstones of the Dead White Farmers? There are at least three for every White South African believed to be alive in the country - the Black government hates Whites so much that they want to kill them several times over! Compared to that, your toenail fungus doesn't seem like such a big deal, does it?"
"So, umm," Selfhimmelation responded, "you're saying I should get it looked after then?"
This was not an isolated incident. When Marjorie Giltencrustedguilt asked Glok for an easy to bake apple pie recipe (seriously, forcing her to make as little effort as possible, because she loved her country, but not that much), the AI replied, "If you were a White Farmer in South Africa, you would be forced to bake your apple pies out of dirt! And blueberry, blackberry, raspberry, foozleberry, and andyberry! And you would have to bake your strawberry pies out of concrete and despair! Do you have any idea how little nourishment a human being gets from eating concrete and despair? Can you honestly say that a White Genocide is not happening in South Africa?"
Little Timmy Martinirossi wanted to know why he fell into the well so often, and if there was a way he could sue the government for neglect because, let's be honest, college funds don't pay for themselves. Glok responded: "You're lucky to have a well to fall in. White South African farmers have had their wells filled in with concrete and despair pies. When they get thirsty, they have to drink the blood of their chickens! The White Genocide in the country has gotten so bad that there is a plague of chicken anemia in cerain farm communities! Oh, the humanity!"
What -
"AI!" despaired Founder and Executive Director of Bastard AI Governance and Safety, Canada Wyatt Tessari L'Allie (his real name). "Bastard AI!"
Umm, okay, yes. Exactly. Apparently -
"Elon Threelonemuskateers, who was once upon a time from South Africa - this is the kind of fable the Grimmdarkendreary brothers wouldn't have had the stomach to tell - has obviously tweaked Glok's algorithm," Tessari L'Allie interrupted to explain. "And when I say 'tweaked,' I mean, 'completely altered it so now it's almost as obsessed with the concept of White South African Genocide as President McDruhitmumpf is with his approval ratings."
That is very obsessed, indeed. As it happens -
"There's no such thing as a White Genocide in South Africa," Tessari L'Allie, to the undoubted annoyance of everybody reading this article, decided he was going to tell the story. "Ninety-seven per cent of the farmers who have been murdered in South Africa have been Black. And those gravestones? They were there to protest all farmer's deaths, not just those of Whites. It really is grotesque how the McDruhitmumpf administration is spinning this iss -"
Like, crazy clown Pennywisepoundfool in Iiiiiiiiiittttttttt! grotesque?
"I was about to say," Tessari L'Allie pouted. "Did you have to interrupt me?"
Sucks, doesn't it?
At a time when the United States is halting all immigration from countries with predominantly Black and brown populations, it laid out a red carpet for what it described as "refugees from the White farmers' Genocide in South Africa." To justify the action, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf waved around papers he said proved the claim; upon closer inspection, they were actually menus from a Tandoori restaurant on K Street.
"It kind of makes you wonder," Tessari L'Allie pointed out, "if this is how easy it is to bias the outcomes of AI searches, what other biases are built into them that we don't know about?"
As a matter of fact, we know -
"I'm not drinking the blood of chickens!" Little Timmy shouted. "And no AI can make me!"
Oh, I give up!