The Daily Me - Trip "ped and Fell Into" Lovelace

Thank you, Trip "ped and Fell Into" Lovelace, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we got a phone call from somebody who said, "Hi. This is Scotiabank. Can we please speak with Mrs. Edith Shapiro?" We responded that our mother had died two months earlier. Apparently, Scotiabank didn't want to talk to her that badly, as he immediately hung up. And we thought, Man, if you're going to try and scam an elderly woman, you really should commit to it!

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

Oh, Please! Medicare Isn't A Competition!
NOBODY Who Is Eligible Should Get It!

INT. BOXING RING - NIGHT

HERSCHEL FELDSPAR (83) sits in a wheelchair in one corner of the ring. DR. OZ is advising him from the other side of the rope. NAOMI GURNK (79) sits on a stool in the opposite corner, clutching her walker. DR. OZ is whispering something into her ear from outside the ring. An EMCEE in a garish purple suit walks into the centre of the ring and pulls a microphone dangling from the ceiling of the arena to his mouth.

EMCEE: Ladiiiiiiiiiies and gentlemeeeeeeeeeeen, welcome to another round of Who is Going to Qualify For Medicare? Today, for your entertainment, we have two elderly people fighting it out to determine who will be a greeter at their local MultiMaxiMegaMart! In this corner, in the flowery purple dress and matching surgical stockings is Naomi Gurnk, a stay at home mother whose ungrateful children do nothing to support her. In the other corner, in the baggy grey pants up to his stomach and white shirt and grey tie is Herschel Feldspar, whose Social Security payments barely cover his rent and living expenses - how can he afford private medical insurance? Oy! Who is going to qualify for Medicare? Let's ruuuuuuuuuuuuuumble! Ish...

Emcee leaves the ring as the microphone rises out of reach. A REFEREE enters the ring, standing in its middle. A couple of seconds later, a bell rings. Gurnk *CLUMP CLUMP CLUMP*s her way to the centre; Feldspar wheels to meet her. They warily circle each other for several seconds before stopping.

NAOMI GURNK: Welcome to MultiMaxiMegaMart. How may I help you today?

HERSCHEL FELDSPAR: (grunts) Welcome to MultiMax - (gasps and clutches chest) - MultiMaxiMeg...Multi - Multi - Mult -

Feldspar's head bobs on his chest as his tongue lolls out of his mouth. DR. OZ tries to get through the ropes, but gets tangled. The Referee waves Gurnk back and goes to take Feldspar's pulse. When done, he raises the man's hand in the air.

EMCEE: (over) And we have a winner!

SOURCE: Weekends!

[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227907]
more

I Was Younger And More Naive Then - Even If It Was Only Yesterday

18 wheels coming off) President Donald Trump urged Americans to "live lean, mean, and super patriotic! ...We're all tightening our belts to Make America Great Again!" How is the President tightening his belt? a) his toilets are only made of 99.9 per cent pure gold; it may not seem like much of a difference, but, trust me, his ass will know!
b) he's accepting a hand-me-down plane from Qatar rather than buying new Air Force Ones...okay, the new ones are almost ready, and it will cost hundreds of millions of dollars to make the "gift" secure, but it's the lack of principle of the thing, really
c) President Trump doesn't tighten his belt - he orders his Secretary of the Interior to add more notches to make it look like he's losing weight

 1 life to live - so why live it like this?) What about the whole "Americans won't be paying for the tariffs" argument? Doesn't this contradict that? It sure seems to me like this contradicts that... a) were you born cynical, or did a lifetime's subscription to The New York Crimes sour you on reality? Just wondering...
b) as that famous philosopher Roger Stone truly said: "There are no contradictions. There is only what I'm saying now. No, forget that. That is what I said then. There is only what I am saying now. Are you getting the idea, yet? Forget what I just said and focus on what I am saying now..."
c) President Trump lied over 37,000 times in his first term - why would anybody believe anything he says? UPDATE: People around the president echoed what he was saying? He handpicked them for loyalty - why would you believe anything THEY say‽

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
more

Good Thing I Never Became Addicted To Walking, Or My Health Would Be In Grave Danger!

I was told by meteorologists not to spend time outdoors, that the air quality was poor due to wildfires in Alberta. But I was told by my heart doctor that I needed exercise if I wanted to, you know, live. So, I went for a walk.

The walk itself was fine, but a couple of hours later my lungs felt like they were burning. And I thought: This must be what it's like to take your first drag off a cigarette. Can't say as I care for it. Why do people take a second drag? Other than the peer pressure and the addictive substances in the first drag, I mean.

SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler

[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
more

Doubling Down On Doublethink

As the 90 day deadline for making trade deals approaches, the Trump administration appears to have made exactly one: a concept of an idea of an outline of a possible agreement with Great Britain. What will happen if the United States doesn't make 90 trade deals in 90 days?

"Who said we were going to make 90 deals in 90 days?" President Trump demanded. When I pointed out that he and many of his government officials did, he said, "I didn't promise anything like that."

When I played President Trump audio of him promising that there would be 90 trade deals in 90 days, he scoffed. "Who is that guy? I don't know that guy! Any random stranger who looks a little bit like me can make statements about trade deals - doesn't mean they're gonna happen! I said - I have always said - that tariffs will bring other countries to the bargaining table. But negotiating trade agreements is hard - there was never any guarantee that the negotiations would result in deals. Anyway, I've never believed in arbitrary deadlines and, hey, which news organization did you say you were from? I'll bet they're nasty!"

I gulped.

SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer

[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/news/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1102636786346900.xml]
more