by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
The principle that zombies should not be allowed to vote in federal elections is widely accepted by Vesampuccerians. Zombies are notoriously ill-informed about current political issues (they tend to get their information from the One Vesampucceri Network) and they are a health hazard for poll attendants, who have been known to run away screaming rather than put their brains at risk.
In Georgilvania, it is, however, now the practice for zombies to give birth.
Adrianna Smithforfudendrink just wanted to live and love and watch the occasional reality TV series (ironically, Survivor: Sun was her favourite); she was, as most in her situation are, unaware that she was living in a horror movie. One day, she was popping pills for the headache she suffered; the next day, she was brain-dead, her body being kept functioning by a respirator.
Adrianna's family did not want her to be kept alive, but the state had other ideas. She had been two months pregnant when her brain decided to malfunction, which, in Georgilvania is enough to do whatever is necessary to keep the fetus alive. "We intended to keep Adrianna on life support for the remainder of her pregnancy," explained State Secretary of Ghoulish Horrors Martina O'Noyadident, "but her body had the annoying tendency to rot, and the whole Kingdom Hospital was beginning to...well...smell. So, after four months, we cut our losses - and the umbilical cord."
Chance Gardener Smithforfudendrink was born one pound, 13 announces; whether he will survive is anybody's guess.
"I think he will," Anybody Onamatopi stated.
"I did not see this coming," author Margaret Acastironwood stated slightly chagrined. "I'm not embarrassed enough to return any of my literary awards on account of the oversight, understand; at most, I will be slightly chagrined in interviews."
The problem facing the Georgilvania legislature is how to keep brain-dead women alive long enough to give birth to healthy babies. As usual, technology has the answer.
"Maternal cryogenic tubes!" exclaimed Ned Enfeeblishment-Raye, Vice President Promotions and Unhealthy Potions for MultiMaxiMegaCorp ("We do ghastly stuff when there's a social need and a profit to be made!"). "We're going to market them to hospitals as MomsiclesTM. The promotional material just writes itself!"
Not so fast, Ned. If you freeze brain-dead women, they will not be able to support the fetus they are carrying, which will die.
"Nice try, journalism-boy," Secretary O'Noyadident exulted, "but the tubes will encase everything around the woman except her womb. Tubes will be inserted into it to give the baby -"
Fetus.
"I said: tubes will be inserted into the womb to give the baby -"
Fetus. A fetus isn't a baby until it leaves the womb.
"That's not the way it works in Georgilvania," Secretary O'Noyadident argued. "A baby is a baby from the moment of conception. There's no such thing as a fetus - that's highfalutin' elite talk, that is. Now, may I continue?"
Urk.
"I'll take that as a yes. So, tubes will be inserted into the womb to give the baby all the oxygen and nourishment that it needs to grow until it can face the world on its own. Isn't that brilliant?" Before I could answer, the Secretary got a gleam in her eye and continued: "You know, if this MomsiclesTM thing works out, we could use brain-dead women to carry children for women who cannot bear the children themselves. This opens up a whole new realms of possibilities to support the good Gord's plan of human domination of the natural world!"
"And people think my imagination is extreme!" film director David Cronenbergerfries commented. "This goes beyond anything I could conceive of. Although, now that you mention it..."
I was hoping token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam would talk some sense on the subject, but she had hung a "do not disturb" sign on her conscience, and I chose to respect it. Instead, I asked Secretary O'Noyadident if keeping brain-dead women alive in order to bear children didn't strike her as extreme.
"Not in the least," she responded. "In fact, it's the exact opposite: this is how we show our respect for the sanctity of life!"
The funeral for Adrianna Smithforfudendrink will be held immediately. The casket will be closed and sealed with steel rivets just to be on the safe side. While the casket will be doused with Febreeze, the family recommends those in attendance wear gas masks. Recommends it strongly - like the odour. In lieu of flowers, mourners are asked to bring shotguns and aim for the head. Always aim for the head.