by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
Morgana Laplumedematan was rushing down the street on her way to H. R. Cupnstuff, the coffee shop where she worked at her third job that day, when half a dozen masked men in black pulled up next to her in a black van, grabbed her, shoved her into the back of the van, and drove off.
"I've known Morgana for over a decade," said H. R. Cupnstuff customer Broderick Crabsindabucket. "When my son Buckwad was having trouble being a bully in third grade, she advised me on exercises I could do with him that would give him more confidence. She was so friendly and helpful - why would ICES take her away from us?"
When I asked him about it, Border Czar Tom Hohoholearthmann said, "That wasn't an official Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service raid. And you know I would tell you if it was. I'm not shy about taking credit where outrage is due!"
Homeland Security Chief Kristi Nomussfussbother was equally hesitant to take credit for the arrest: "Our boys didn't do that," she insisted. "Believe me, if they had, I would have put on a flight jacket and goggles and held a press conference in the cockpit of a fighter jet to announce it!"
"So," I eventually asked, "you're saying that a group of people who are not law enforcement officers, used exactly the same method that ICES agents use to abduct a Vesampuccerian citizen off the street? They dressed in the same way, used the same black unmarked cars and refused to identify themselves in the same manner as ICES agents? That, basically, ICES tactics were used by private citizens to kidnap somebody?"
"Yes! Yes, that is exactly what I am saying!" Czar Hohoholearthmann shouted. After a moment's reflection, he more calmly bellowed: "Actually, wait, no, that's not exactly what I'm saying. It's just...close to what I'm saying. It's just...gah! Ferking First Amendment!"
So, what if somebody for some reason abducted anybody in Vesampucceri off the street in a way that mimicked ICES immigration practices but no agency took official credit for it? I could almost hear token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam talk about how the question had a very Zen-like quality (before she ran into a forest and hid behind a tree).
Almost.
"You know how actors can sometimes lose the thread of a scene?" asked former prosecutor Joyce Onvancewarpedtur. "Well, as a federal prosecutor you don't have that luxury - if you stumble in your argument, a murderer could go free. But this...I'm at a loss for words to express just how glub garble no accountability uck wah wah tyranny oh, yikes!"
Onvancewarpedtur pointed to a case where a masked man dressed all in black told a Latina watermelon store owner that she would be arrested and deported if she didn't empty the till into a sack he gave to her. Literally pointed to the case - at this moment, she had been reduced to making gestures and guttural sounds.
So, ICES agents using tactics that ensure they cannot be identified - which, if I understand Onvancewarpedtur's strangled cry of misery correctly, is being done to avoid legal accountability - and if I don't understand her correctly, has something to do with...an accounting error? - is leading to copycat actions by kidnappers and thieves, and likely other ne'er-do-wells. It makes you wonder -
"Are you deaf?" Czar Hohoholearthmann cheerfully responded in that way of his that makes bulldogs look like pacifists. "I told you: ICES had nothing to do with what happened to thus guy! Even as an exemplar of how to abduct people without being identified! Swear to Gord, if you don't stop this line of questioning, I'm gonna have you hauled in for obstructing justice!"
Can he do that?
"Gibble gobblem rights violation icky icky blumper flumper!" Onvancewarpedtur tried to assure me. "Oogity boogity ignore due process ook ack ick wallah wallah garbanzo beans!"
When I asked if she meant to say that arresting me for obstructing justice for asking questions would be a violation of my rights, but that it might happen anyway because the McDruhitmumpf administration seemed to disdain due process, Onvancewarpedtur put a finger on her nose to indicate that I was correct. Interviewing her had become a game of Charades, but with 95 per cent more threatened jail time.
"Yeah, yeah, I feel bad for you, son," Crabsindabucket sympathized in a highly unsympathetic manner, "but can we get back to the real issue, here? I don't wanna hafta teach a new baristress how to properly write my name in foam on my multi-mocha triple caf latte! When are we gonna get Morgana back?"
Onvancewarpedtur shrugged on behalf of the entire justice system.