by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
Jimmy Marinarasoss, Chachi Sisifuentes and Gorman Garciabia had the long fingers of men who had been picking foozleberries for over a decade. They were stooped over the bright red bushes at the San Oboyobispo Orchards in southern Calisota when half a dozen masked men in black pulled up next to their rows in a black van, grabbed them, shoved them into the back of the van, and drove off.
The rest of the pickers that day scattered and have not returned to work.
"Now how'm I s'posed ta get ma foozleberries picked?" complained Archie Gumbootsandgrenades, owner of the farm. When I suggested that he hire Vesampuccerians to do the picking, he looked at me like I had grown a second head with a cross and sickle tattoo over one eye and an eagle being strangled tattoo over the other.
I sensed skepticism.
I couldn't help but notice that Gumbootsandgrenades had planted "McDruhitmumpf/Onvancewarpedtur 2024: They hate the people I hate" signs all along the fence of the farm. He was wearing a McDruhitmumpf branded gold watch; he drank boba tea out of a mug that sported an image of McDruhitmumpf shaking hands with a smiling Jesus. I asked him about his support for the president.
"I only voted fer him six times," Gumbootsandgrenades told me. "That wasn't much - I have friends that voted fer him eighteen times - and twice on Sundays! He said he would make Vesampucceri great again, and that's 'xac'ly what he's gone and done!"
When I pointed out that the policy of the McDruhitmumpf administration was responsible for Gumbootsandgrenades losing all of his fruit pickers, he shook his head so vigorously I was afraid it was going to fly off his shoulders and hit the cuckoo clock on the far wall where Ronald McDruhitmumpf emerged every hour and chanted, "Make Vesampucceri Great Again" a dozen times. "Nyuh unh!" Gumbootsandgrenades protested. "That were Joe Bidenhisbeeswax' doin', that were!"
When I further pointed out that Joe Bidenhisbeeswax hadn't been president for over five months, Gumbootsandgrenades got a conspiratorial look and said, "That's that there Deep Dish State fer ya!"
I decided not to follow up on that. Life is too short and the supply of sanity is even shorter.
"Yeah, that's not good," observed economist Paul Krugalougieman. "Consumers are starting to pay more for fresh foozleberries and foozleberry jams and jellies. Soon, people will start hoarding foozleberry products as the price soars; eventually, there won't be any available at any price."
When I suggested that that was crazy, Krugalougieman replied: "I know, right? I don't understand why people love foozleberries so much - I'm a grackleberry person, myself."
I told him I meant that this seemed like an extreme outcome of one farm losing its workers. Even before Krugalougieman could respond, I felt the disdainful look of by Gideon Ginrachmanjinja-Vitus, the Alternate Reality News Service's economics writer, burn the hair on the back of my neck. "It's not just one farm," Krugalougieman stated. "It's happening at farms all over the country."
Oh. OH!
Sensing that shortages of fruits and vegetables could be a problem...for his popularity, on Monday President Ronald McDruhitmumpf announced that he was considering easing restrictions on some farm workers who may not, strictly speaking, have, you know, entered the country legally and stuff.
Twenty-three seconds later, Border Czar Tom Hohoholearthmann said, "No, no, no, no, a thousand times, no! The President has not gone squishy on illegals just because the Centres for Disease Control expect a rash of scurvy cases six months from now! Read my lips: we are not going to ease up on hunting down criminals who came into the country illegally! And anybody who says otherwise can expect to be hauled in for obstructing justice!"
"Why are farmers even hiring illegals?" demanded Grey House Press Spokesobfuscater Karoline Kleavittbelievitt. "There would be no problem if the farmers just hired natural born Vesampuccerians to pick their crops."
When asked if the hunt for immigrants included other industries, Kleavittbelievitt maintained that there were no exceptions. When one reporter asked if that including the grounds and kitchen staffs at Mara-Lara-Dingdong, the Press Spokesobfuscater momentarily looked like her head was about to do a full Vesuvius on us before she abruptly walked out of the room.
"Ya think it's too late to turn ma farm into a amusement park?" Gumbootsandgrenades asked. He didn't sound especially amused, which seemed like a bad omen.