SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
Transcript of a meeting between PRESIDENT RONALD MCDRUHITMUMPF, VICE PRESIDENT JD ONVANCEWARPEDTUR, SECRETARY OF STATE MARCO RUBYDUBIO and SECRETARY OF STATE PETE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE in a green room in the Grey House.
SECRETARY OF STATE MARCO RUBYDUBIO: (muttering) This is a bad idea. This is a bad idea. This is a bad idea.
PRESIDENT RONALD MCDRUHITMUMPF: Oh, shut it, Little Marco.
SECRETARY OF STATE PETE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: Henh henh. Yeah, shut it, Horseman of Pussies!
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Pete, what have I told you? I am the only one who gives people nicknames!
HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: Sorry, boss. Sorry, I - Sometimes, I get carried away.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Horseman of Pussies - henh henh. I like it. What do you think, Little Marco, Horseman of Pussies?
RUBYDUBIO: Bombing Iran is such a bad, bad, very bad idea.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: One track mind, this guy has!
VICE PRESIDENT JD ONVANCEWARPEDTUR: How come I can't be the Horseman of Death? I'm the one who took all those boring meetings and sucked up to that asshole Netanhoohayu - if anybody facilitated bombing Iran's nuclear facilities, it was me!
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Because I'm the one who made the decision. Me. It was my decision! Mine! So, I get the credit! I'm the Horseman of Death! Me! Jesus, JD, how many times I gotta explain that to you‽ Don't be a moron!
ONVANCEWARPEDTUR: (subdued) Well, at least I should be the Horseman of War.
HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: Back off, Horseman of Assholery. They may call me the Secretary of Defence, but we all know that I'm the Secretary of Offence, and War is about as offensive as it gets!
MCDRUHITMUMPF: (shouting) Pete! What did I say about the nicknames‽
HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: Sorry, boss.
RUBYDUBIO: Bad idea! Bad idea! Bad idea! Bad -
MCDRUHITMUMPF: (shouting) Jesus Christ, will you stop with that shit, already, Little Marco, Horseman of Pussies!
RUBYDUBIO: You think attacking Iran is going to be a one and done? That we'll destroy their nuclear capability and they'll say, "Oh well played. You got us," and just walk away?
MCDRUHITMUMPF: They will if they know what's good for them.
RUBYDUBIO: Iran ain't like that. This attack will put a target on the back of every Vesampuccerian in the Middle East and Europe.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: If they declare war on us, we'll bomb Iran back to the Flintstones!
RUBYDUBIO: That's the problem, Chief: if we bomb Iran, we're declaring war on them!
HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: (chanting) Pussies! Pussies! Pussies! Pussies!
RUBYDUBIO: Aww, come on, Pete!
ONVANCEWARPEDTUR: (joins the chant) Pussies! Pussies! Pussies! Pussies!
RUBYDUBIO: Guys, this is serious!
HEDAIGGSETHATIVE, ONVANCEWARPEDTUR and MCDRUHITMUMPF: (chanting) Pussies! Pussies! Pussies! Pussies!
RUBYDUBIO: (shaking his head) I hate being the Horseman of Famine.
The chant ends with everybody but Rubydubio laughing.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Okay, let's talk strategy.
RUBYDUBIO: Yes! Absolutely! We need to figure out what to do if Iran retaliates!
MCDRUHITMUMPF: (ignores him) We need to present a united front to the media.
RUBYDUBIO: (disappointed) Oh. You meant that kind of - of course.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: JD, I want you on my right hand when we walk into the press conference to show there are no differences between us.
HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: Where do you want me, boss? Hunh? Hunh? Where should I be?
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Behind me and JD...somewhere. Close, but not too close. But behind us.
HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: What about your left side? You've got another side, and it's free. I could enter on your left.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Pete! What do I always say about the left?
HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: That, uhh, that bunch of Commie bastards are ruining the country. You know, the enemy within and all that stuff.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: So, you and Little Marco, Horseman of Pussies will walk behind me and JD! Kapiss?
HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: Yeah, boss. Sure, boss. You know I'm just happy to be here, boss.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: When I step up to the podium, you three will hang back so all attention is on me when I talk.
RUBYDUBIO: We've prepared some remarks that will be on the teleprompter for -
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Yeah, no. I mean, I'll take a look at them, might even say a few of them, but I know the situation backwards and forwards and even going sideways, so I can put the ideas into my own words.
RUBYDUBIO: Mister President, with all due respect, this is too important to...
MCDRUHITMUMPF: (quietly chanting) Pussies! Pussies! Pussies!
RUBYDUBIO: To - sir, this is too important...
MCDRUHITMUMPF HEDAIGGSETHATIVE and ONVANCEWARPEDTUR: (quietly chanting) Pussies! Pussies! Pussies!
RUBYDUBIO: (shaking his head) Oh, I give up!
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Glad you finally agree with us. Okay, now that we're all on the same page, let's go out and kill this thing!
exeunt omnes