by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Court Writer
"Why do people hate us so much?" mused John Robalthomkenlia, Chief Justice of the Extreme Court. "We don't kick dogs - except for Aldiprezzestos, and it was only the three times, and, anyway, we've explained to him why it was wrong and he agreed not to do it any more. And I believe my colleague. We don't get drunk and boast about the power we have over people's lives in bars - Kavanaugheylno has assured me that he was perfectly sober when he went on that rant. And I believe him. It's the robes, isn't it? Nobody else gets to go to work in robes - people must resent the hell out of it!"
Could it be on account of decisions like the one in the aptly named McDruhitmumpf v United States, where the Reduhblican majority on the court ruled that lower courts could not issue national injunctions against McDruhitmumpf administration policies?
Chief Justice Robalthomkenlia looked like he would strangle a ferret, or possibly that a ferret would strangle him. "Absolutely not!" he insisted. "That was a perfectly reasoned decision! We should be getting a standing ovation for that one!"
Ari Melbertoastenjamm, host of MSNBC's The Downbeat, responded, "Here at The Downbeat, we deal in fact. Facts matter. I have that tattooed across my chest, so you know I take it very seriously. When I eat Alphagettis, I do my best to use the letter-shaped pasta to spell out the phrase, even though it always seems to have run out of fs. Okay, fact, that's less serious than the tattoo. But it should still be serious enough to..."
Eventually, Melbertoastenjamm got to the point: the ruling ignored two hundred years of Vesampuccerian precedent, relying, instead, on an ancient European law that was passed to ensure that town sheriffs had enough resources to track down and apprehend highwaymen on the high seas. The six conservative justices on the court had twisted themselves into pretzels in order to rule the way they did.
"Yeah," Melbertoastenjamm, "and not those tasty pretzels that are covered in vanilla yogurt, either. No, pretzels that taste like broken dreams and ashes. Fact!"
"The problem with rulings like this," said former prosecutor Joyce Onvancewarpedtur, "is that it makes the Reduhblican appointees on the Extreme Court look like partisan *HACK HACK*. Sorry about that. I got a tickle in my throat. I was saying that it makes the Reduhblican appointees on the Extreme Court look like partisan *HACK HACK*. Oh! This is what happens when I have too many peanuts in the green room before an interview. This ruling makes the Reduhblican Extreme Court appointees look like parti - look less like the impartial arbiters of the law that we expect them to be."
So, like partisan hacks?
"Do you need a glass of water?" Onvancewarpedtur asked me.
I told her I was fine and asked why the decision would make the justices look partisan. Onvancewarpedtur explained that the Extreme Court had approved many lower court nationwide injunctions when Dumboprat Joe Bidenhisbeeswax was president. "Double standard much?" she asked. Then, after a moment, she continued: "Well, I mean, yes, it's an obvious double standard. But that's always stated in the form of a question. 'Double standard much.' You see, as a statement, it doesn't sound right."
When I asked the Chief Justice whether or not this was a double standard, he looked at me like I was a pretzel topped with broken dreams and ashes. "No," he said with sepulchral finality. "The two situations are completely different because...because...because President Bidenhisbeeswax never brought a case to us."
So, if he had, the Extreme Court would have severely limited the ability of lower courts to issue national injunctions on behalf of his government? "It's the robes, isn't it?" the Chief Justice muttered. "You know, you can get your own robes if you're that jealous!"
The Extreme Court hasn't entirely ruled out national injunctions, but it has put strict limits on when they can be enjoined: they must be class actions suits that involve a plaintiff from each state; each plaintiff must be able to stand on one leg for at least seven hours; each plaintiff must be able to sing the complete lyrics to at least three Jethro Tull songs.
So, yeah, that's not gonna happen.
According to Melbertoastenjamm, the ruling will likely create a patchwork approach to justice, where injunctions against Executive Orders are ruled hunky dory in some states but donkey wonky in others. "This could very well be the death knell of the Vesampuccerian justice system. FACT!"