SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
ALEXANDER BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: It's a cold, dreary day here in the Vesampucceri Super Duper Dome -
ROBERTO GABRONORTIZER: Every day in the Vesampucceri Super Duper Dome is cold and dreary, Al.
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: Most days, Berto. Only most days. Some days, the Vesampucceri Super Duper Dome is dank and daunting. Other days, it's dewy and disturbing. It has a multitude of moods, the Vesampucceri Super Duper Dome does.
GABRONORTIZER: I sit corrected.
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: As well you should.
GABRONORTIZER: We're here today for the finals of the Vesampucceri Ronald McDruhitmumpf Tournament of Evil. It's been a week of gruelling competition between members of the current Reduhblican administration to see who can be the most evil. What surprised you the most about this week's competition, Al?
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: I was surprised that Border Czar Tom Hohoholearthmann didn't make the cut, Berto. With the way he cheerfully inflicts pain on mothers and children and those cold, dead eyes, he seems to be the embodiment of all that is evil about this government.
GABRONORTIZER: As you know, to choose the eight contenders judges ranked administration officials based on the suffering caused by their past and current acts of evil on individuals, the damage caused to the community by their past and current acts of evil, and artistic merit. I imagine Hohoholearthmann lost a lot of ground on the final criterion.
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: I did know that, actually.
GABRONORTIZER: I knew you knew that.
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: I knew that you knew that I knew - gaaack! Moving on. What was your biggest surprise, Berto?
GABRONORTIZER: Robert F. Kennebunkedy being knocked out in the first round, Al. It's not just the fact that he fired all the experts on vaccines and replaced them with internet medical trolls in order to get the opinions he wanted, bad as that was. It's that his anti-vaccine policies will end in the unnecessary deaths of tens of thousands of Vesmpuccerian infants and children. He would have seemed like a good candidate to go all the way this year. I would have thought that somebody who has as much evil talent as he does would have made it past the first round.
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: True, except for two things. Health and Human Disservices is still "studying" the issue of vaccines, so the child deaths are still in a theoretical future. And two, of far greater importance, he had the misfortune of drawing President McDruhitmumpf in the first round. Ronald McDruhitmumpf is a juggernaut of evil - he'd been training for this competition since he was three years old - who was bound to steamroll everybody in his path.
GABRONORTIZER: One other person who didn't make the cut was Elon Threelonemuskateers. You would have thought that somebody who bankrolled the Reduhblican wins in the 2024 election, enabling all of their evil, would be a strong competitor, but -
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: But he has an on-again, hate-you-again relationship with the administration. One day, he's all, "Oh, President McDruhitmumpf is the greatest thing to happen to Vesampucceri since the invention of disposable diapers!" The next day, he's, "I hate President McDruhitmumpf for...for...for - not for cancelling subsidies for electric vehicles, that's for sure - adding trillions to the national debt! Yeah, that's it! Adding to the national debt!" To be a successful athlete of evil requires focus!
GABRONORTIZER: Yeah, but Kristi Nomussfussbother? Okay, sure, showing up at the Oscars in an Air Force flight outfit or a random bar mitzvah in full ICES battle gear is...weird. But evil? More evil than enabling the entire evil administration?
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: Think about all the fear she has put into hearts all around the country. Women's evil is subtler than men's, but that doesn't make her any less competitive. Look at the Battle of the Blonds -
GABRONORTIZER: Oh, yes, please!
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: Okay, okay, Berto, put a leash on it. In one corner, Attorney General Pamela Electronbondi has weaponized the Injustice Department to reward the President's allies and punish his foes. Pretty evil, right? In the other corner, Grey House spokesman Karoline Kleavittbelievitt, who could go toe-to-toe with President McDruhitmumpf in any long distance lying competition. They seemed very evenly matched.
GABRONORTIZER: It's a shame only one of them could have advanced. They're both winners in my book!
Pause.
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: Oooookay. Getting to today's big event: President McDruhitmumpf versus adviser Stephen Siewnottmillertyme, two titans of evil at the top of their game.
GABRONORTIZER: You gotta love President McDruhitmumpf leading with his strong right arm - the Extreme Court - to serve Executive Orders that dismantle the Vesampuccerian system of checks and balances, Al!
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: True, Berto, but I wouldn't count Siewnottmillertyme out. He has that one-two punch of child separation and mass detention that led to the coining of the phrase, "The cruelty is the reason." President McDruhitmumpf hasn't inspired a phrase of such explanatory power. Not that we can repeat here, in any case.
GABRONORTIZER: Very true. This could be the greatest final match round in the ten year history of the tourney. And we will have it all live for you...
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: ...After a brief commercial break...
