by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics/Government Deconstruction Writer
It seemed like just another day of dictatorship in the Grey House. As President Ronald McDruhitmumpf sat in the Octagonal Office, the Executive Orders (now Extreme Court approved!) were announced and handed over to him to sign. "This Executive Order creates a new detention centre for illegal immigrants in the middle of a swamp filled with alligators." "This Executive Order directs the Education Department to be renamed 'The Department of Government Sanctioned Knowledge." "This Executive Order mandates that any Vesampuccerian wishing to drive a car must have at least two heads." "This is Executive Order requires -"
Wait - what?
President McDruhitmumpf, whose responses to the previous EOs could be described as a teenage shrug in an octogenarian's body, perked up at this one. "Yeah, yeah!" he enthusiastically commented. "Two heads are better than one - that's what I've always heard. And we have to do something about the carnage on our city streets - get it? Carnage? Ha ha ha - I kill me. But, seriously, if you don't have two or more heads on your shoulders while driving, you'll be in big, big trouble, mister. The biggest! The troublest!"
"He said what‽" Transportation Secretary Sean Duffbeerisbesty shrieked when told the news. "I mean - what? I couldn't - what? Why didn't he warn - what? Okay, deep breaths. In and out, just like Guru Gottoworkarownd taught you. This isn't a transportation issue, it's a medical issue. I'll let the Secretary of Health and Human Disservices respond to it."
"Don't put this on me!" Robert F. Kennebunkedy, Jr.,the Secretary in question, responded. "Cars. Driving. Not a health issue at - what? What's that, Wormy? Mmm...that's true. You know, grafting heads onto bodies could be an interesting expansion of the medical sciences. Let me see what my advisory committee thinks of the idea!"
This is not the first President McDruhitmumpf Executive Order that came seemingly out of nowhere, not to mention another universe. A week ago, he signed an EO that required all Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service field agents to sing the song "Singing in the Rain" while detaining illegals. When asked why, the President belligerently said, "What? You have something against Gene Kellybellyful? He was a great Vesampuccerian song and dance man - and I challenge anybody in the room to say otherwise!"
Nobody in the room took the President up on the challenge.
"Oh, yeah, I was fully informed of the change in policy," Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Nomussfussbother, fetching in her ICES uniform with pink handcuffs and assault rifle festooned with smiley face stickers, said in a voice that suggested the opposite. "We, uhh, we're going to run out of funds by the end of next week, but, you know, we're certainly open to the law enforcement potential of having our officers...uhh...learn a musical number as part of their duties. It's just the one, right? Right?"
"About time!" exulted Border Czar Tom Hohoholearthmann. "I've been saying for weeks that what our raids on courtrooms and laundromats needs is a soundtrack!"
There's one in every administration.
"Are you surprised? Why? Of course you're going to get batshit crazy Executive Orders from the President," commented commentator and nightly news show host Lawrence O'donntellmethat. "Because the President is batshit crazy. Demented. A couple of stars short of a constellation and at least three forks short of a 36-piece cutlery set. He may be on neural inhibitors that keep him from drooling, but that doesn't stop the aural drool that comes out of his mouth every time he speaks. Are you getting the idea? The man is not mentally well!"
BREAKING: My back from all this political heavy lifting.
But also: President McDruhitmumpf has just released a new Executive Order mandating the Environmental Destruction Agency to paint the Grand Canyon mauve. "Mauve is the forgotten shade of purple," the President explained, moony-eyed. "Everybody talks about lilac. People often use straight purple. But mauve? Mauve doesn't get the respect it deserves - well, it will now!"
EDA Administrator Lee Zeldinintaright smacked himself in the forehead with his palm so hard he had to take a couple of days off.
"Look at the up side," argued Treasury Secretary Scott Bessentintohel, looking very much like a man who hadn't had a bowel movement in three weeks. "The Grand Canyon is big. It's going to take a lot of paint to cover it. The growth in the industry is going to be great for the economy. I'll bet Snatchloessfromsherin-Willornotiams executives are salivating at the prospect!"
"Do you know how crazy batshit is?" O'donntellmethat commentated. "If you don't, you will. Because this is only the beginning..."