Thank you, Wanda Lastman, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, our computer told us we had to feed it an update. And it kept calling us Seymour, even though that's not our name. We held out for as long as we could (being weirded out by being misnamed heped), but our computer wheedled and whined and scheduled updates for us behind our backs, so we bit the bullet and rebooted. Bit it so hard, in fact, that it exploded in our faces. Now, our emails appear in a box the size of a postage stamp; when we tried to increase the font size, we discovered that it doesn't go up to 11...,000. We tried this. We tried that. We even contemplated using a baseball bat. We, uhh, may be hard to reach for the next few days...or months...or *SOB*!
Enjoy,The Eyes Are The Windows Of The Soulless
President Donald Trump toured the devastation from catastrophic flooding in Texas yesterday. His mouth said, "This makes me look presidential. Do you think this makes me look presidential. Kristi said I look very presidential. She's a smart cookie, Kristi, knows when somebody has authority Of course this makes me look presidential!" But his eyes said, "You know, if we could clear away all the debris, this would make a pretty good golf resort. I think I'll run it by Kristi and see what she thinks of the idea."
The whole time, his advisers were standing nearby, a calm demeanour plastered on their faces with a trowel. But you could tell their eyes were saying things like, "Please, Gord, whatever you do, don't let him start talking about how windmills are killing birds. Anything but windmills!" and "He's about to talk about how Brennan and Comey corruptly investigated Russian election interference, isn't he? I can see it in his eyes! No no no no no no no no nooooooooooooooooooo!" and "If he says one more word about how unfair it is that Barack Obama got a Nobel Peace Prize and he didn't...!"
SOURCE: Down to the Newswire
[http://www.downtothenewswire.pl/1/11/Artykul/200235,Noem-ohoh]
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Only Three Readers Will Get This Joke, But They Will Laugh Their Asses Off
Nineteen institutions have been granted "bubble zone" status by the city, all but one of them housing Jewish organizations. The purpose of the bubble zones is to protect the institutions from being exposed to opinions that would make people in them feel uncomfortable. Oh, sorry, I meant to protect the people in them from threats and violence.
Because bubbles worked so well for Maxwell Smart...
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=517292]
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SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1527876058]
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If He Uses Maurice Chevalier's Signature Song As The Theme For A Future Rally, Despair!
Such a short statement - so much wrong. So very, very much wrong!
It could be argued that the girls who died at Camp Mystic when Florida was flooded were there because Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem enacted a policy where no expenditure over $100,000 could be made without her signature, and then waited three days before authorizing a search and rescue mission. It could be argued that Secretary Noem was doing God's will, but Jesus wouldn't be the God in question. Maybe it was the will of Ares or Dharmaraja.
The fatherly compassion thing might go over well with grief-stricken evangelicals, but other people might notice that this statement comes a week or so after the Trump administration buried a report on the life and death of Jeffrey Epstein. Especially his life. Some people argue that they did that because Trump was named in it as having sex with underage girls. The line between compassionate and creepy can be a fine one - all that has been missing from this administration was a trench coat.
As for his invocations of the will of God, that's the richest thing about Donald J. Trump, somebody who has a long history of irreligious behaviour. As far as he is concerned, sinning is for the little people (a line he borrowed without credit from Leona Helmsley...and of course didn't even get right). President Trump only makes mistakes. Only, he doesn't even do that well.
It's like Americans are living in two realities, and both are the Upside Down!
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Could You Please Repeat That, Representative? In English? All I Heard Was "Yip Yip Yip Yip Woof Yip!"
Kenzie NguyenRep. Van Orden on recon bill:
"The President of the United States didn't give us an assignment. We're not a bunch of little bitches around here, okay? I'm a member of Congress. I represent almost 800,000 Wisconsinnites."
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/nothing-out-of-the-van-ordenary/]
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Articulem Interruptus: One More Thing We Have AI To Thank For!
Should people use artificial intelligence agents as therapists? AIs helping people with their emotional difficulties go as far back as Eliza -
"AI!" despaired Founder and Executive Director of Bastard AI Governance and Safety, Canada Wyatt Tessari L'Allie (his real name). "Bastard AI!"
Sorry, Wyatt, but this is not an Alternate Reality News Service article, so you don't technically exist in the reality in which I am writing.
With a shrug, L'Allie said, "Eh. It was worth a -" and disappeared.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/250713/geeklynews/01bastardaihahaha.htm]
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President Trump, the last person on Earth to realize that Russian President Vladimir Putin was playing him, has reversed course and allowed American weapons to go to Ukraine. But the US isn't giving them directly to the embattled country - it will sell them to NATO allies, who are then supposed to pass them on to Ukraine.
More proof, as if more proof was necessary, that Trump has a plaque on his desk that says, "The buck is extorted here."
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2025Jul12.html]
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