by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
"This bill is going to blow a hole in the federal deficit so big you'll be able to see it from the moon!" said Reduhblican Unrepresentative Ralph Stuckinormansland. "I can't in good conscience vote for such an abomination of fiscal conservatism!"
"This bill is going to blow a hole in the federal deficit so big you'll be able to see it from Alpha Centauri!"said Reduhblican Unrepresentative Andy Harristweedfashin. "You would have to be a friggin' moron to vote for such an abomination of fiscal conservatism!"
"This bill is going to blow a hole in the federal deficit so big you'll be able to see it from - what's farther away than Alpha Centauri? I'm a politician, dammit, not an astronomer!" said Reduhblican Unrepresentative Chip "Charles" Royersoundenfury. "There is no way on Gord's green Earth that I will vote for such an abomination of fiscal conservatism!"
Do I need to tell you that they all voted in favour of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's The Big, The Bold and The Brassy Bill a day or two after making these statements? Well, they did.
What happened?
Several Reduhblican Congresspeople made the pilgrimage to Mara-Lara-Dingdong a couple of days before the vote, coming away with Make Vesampucceri Great Again ball caps, plushie dolls of the President (who reportedly gave them a 50% discount on the $129.99 retail price) and supernovae in their eyes. "He even signed it for me!" gushed Reduhblican Unrepresentative Keith Blatentselfregard. He showed me the backside of the plushie, which had a splotch of ink that looked vaguely like the President's signature (right next to the tag that said it was made in China). "I'm never going to wash this doll in my life!"
That may have been the deciding factor for some Reduhblicans, but surely the Free Dumb Caucus, of which Stuckinormansland, Harristweedfashin and Royersoundenfury are members, is made of sterner stuff.
"Don't be aft," chided Pulippitzaner Prize winning columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. "The President used a classic carrot and stick approach to whipping the votes he needed to pass this bill. He threatened to rage tweet or put millions of dollars into a primary challenge of any House member who didn't vote for it. And you know how deathly afraid of facing the wrath of MAGA - sounds like a good title for a sci fi flick, doesn't it? - Reduhblican politicians are!"
Those are the sticks. What are the carrots?
"The President is a devoted meat eater," Robinsoncrusoe answered. "He doesn't do vegetables."
Oh.
Unrepresentative Royersoundenfury claimed that, despite all estimates by independent organizations that The Big, The Bold and The Brassy Bill would add three to five trillion dollars to the national deficit, causing inflation and increased hair loss among men aged 25 to 40, he voted for it because, "President McDruhitmumpf assured me that he would take steps to ensure that the bill would not increase the deficit. I trust he will keep his word."
When he heard that, Dumbopratic adviser James Stretchlimosineville looked like he would spit up the Scotch he was sipping, but he valiantly saved his mouthful. A couple of minutes later, after the coughing had subsided, he commented: "Trust the President? Trust this President? Of course you can't trust the President! He lies like people shed skin! He lies like people lose brain cells! He lies like...some other physical metaphor for something that happens all the time! You been played, son!"
Stretchlimosineville added that, while the Free Dumb Caucus hisses and spits at things they don't like, they always end up voting for whatever President McDruhitmumpf wants them to. "Bunch of pussies," Stretchlimosineville muttered loudly.
"Hey! Are there things in the bill I don't like? Sure! Lots of things! Tons of them! And keep in mind that I've only read the first three pages! I'm sure I would discover even more that I hated if I read the other 750 pages! But that's the nature of legislating - nobody gets everything they want," countered Unrepresentative Derrick Van Ordorfuden in a passionate TwitterX post. "We're not a bunch of little bitches around here, okay? I am a bipedal humanoid with the most advanced brain structure in the history of Gord's creation!"
"I didn't say he was a dog," Stretchlimosineville pointed out. "I said he was a cat. Gordammit, how can they be trusted to govern the country if they can't even keep their metaphorical insults straight?"
Monique Laflamboisedaho, a waitress in Flatulence, New Mexinois, shook her head sadly and said, "I'm totally screwed, aren't I?"