Headlines Tried to Warn Them, But Did They Listen?

Or It Could Be The Men's Room Attendant At Mar-a-Lago -
His Targets Have To Wait In Line For Their Turn

"Trump's next target could be CUSMA" - Toronto Star

I Would Have Thought He Would Be Used To That Feeling By Now - How Many Days Has He Been Prime Minister?

"Carney 'disappointed' by Trump's decision" - Toronto Star

Is His Music Career Really Over?

"Bieber should be ace the Jays need" - Toronto Star

Is That All? I Was Worried He'd Try Wearing Them On His Feet!

"FLAPJACK FLIP FLOP
PM struggles to toss perfect pancake at Calgary Stampede breakfast event" - Toronto Star

Lucky They Weren't Boys, Or The Case Could Have Had A Very Different Outcome

"'Extraordinary' case tested youth justice
With final sentencing Friday, trials of eight teen girls in swarming death came to a close" - Toronto Star

What, Those Flying Bastards? The Only Crime Would Be If He Didn't Kill Any Of Them!

"Driver may have intentionally hit Canada geese" - Toronto Star

Trump Shakes His Head: "I Already Announced A Ceasefire. What Do We Need More Talks For? Don't These People Understand How Deals Work?"

"Hamas open to ceasefire plan
Says it has given 'positive' response to latest proposal but more talks needed" - Toronto Star

Oh, Sure, That's What Every Vampire Tells Themselves

"Never Too Old For a Night Out" - New York Times

Snarls, Bears His Teeth At Anybody Who Gets Too Close

"TOUR DE FRANCE
Pogacar shows dominance" - Toronto Star

"I Love A Problem That Solves Itself!" Mayor Enthuses

"New report details shortcomings in city's snow-removal contract" - Toronto Star

 "Toronto put under another heat warning
Extreme temperatures are forecast to continue for a week" - Toronto Star

 $1.5 Billion Seems Like A Lot For Paramount To Pay To Be Made Fun Of
I Would Have Done It For, Like, $32.95 And Bus Fare Home

"TRUMP WHITE HOUSE RAGES OVER 'SOUTH PARK' EPISODE, CALLS SHOW 'FOURTH-RATE'
The President cowed Paramount execs, but the company's talent is rebelling. Now, the administration is melting down" - Rolling Stone

They Haven't Arrested The Head Rat?

"City's rat plan is good, with one exception" - Toronto Star

 The Fortune Teller Told Her: "Expect Disappointment"
As Did The Editorial Writer

"Two years in, Chow relies on patience of voters" - Toronto Star

City Would Be Number One If Foreign Property Owners Were Included

"Toronto dips in study ranking Happiness in Canada" - Toronto Star

Never Having To Say You're Sorry?

"What It Means To Be An American" - New York Times

A Good Start Would Be To Give Up Control Of Mine!

"Boyfriend needs to take control of his body hair" - Toronto Star

Unfortunately, It Looks A Lot Like A Straitjacket

"Settlement offer in suit over prison conditions" - Toronto Star

They Kind Of Have To Because Their Long-range Bomber Fleet Was Decimated...

"WAR IN UKRAINE
Russia steps up long-range drone attacks" - Toronto Star

Oh, For Goodness' Sake! Do We Have To Have The, "It's Not A Bug, It's A Feature" Discussion AGAIN?

"Cuts will only worsen inequality' - Toronto Star

But...But...But The Constitution!

"President, 92, eyes eighth term" - Toronto Star

 When I Drink, I Want A Bottle That I'll Forget The Next Day
Fortunately, That's In My Price Range

"Treat yourself to a splurge that's worth it
A lot of wines with high prices are just overrated status symbols. But some are worth the splurge. For less than a forgettable meal out, you could pour a deeply satisfying bottle you'll remember for years. Here are six wines worth every cent - including a knockout Champagne, a brilliant Brunello and an undervalued sub-$20 Pecorino" - Toronto Star

This Should Make Long Distance Haulage Much Saf - Hey! Did A Driverless Truck Just Rear End The Desk I Work On‽

"Driverless Semi Trucks Are on the Road" - New York Times

Do You Need Willy Sutton To Explain It To You?

"A critical conundrum
Why Premier Ford's controversial law to fast-track development is focused on the Ring of Fire" - Toronto Star

If You Can Only Afford Boramping, You Should Probably Avoid Reading The Article

"Zip-line tours, glamping pods" - Toronto Star

Thanks! Now The Sheep I Count To Help Me Sleep Are Going To Form A Chorus Line!

"The Break Dancing Nuns Expanding the Flock in Brazil" - New York Times