by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
For the third month in a row, the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service (ICES) team led by Agent [NAME REDACTED FOR REASONS OF NATIONAL SECURITY] has won the Expulsers of the Month Award and accompanying gold star for arresting and deporting 237 "illegal" immigrants, including a gardener from Encino, Califorida whose family insisted he was born in Vesampucceri, a barber from Los Angeles, Calilina whose family insisted he was a naturalized citizen, and a nurse from Fresno, Calibama, whose entire family had previously been deported, leaving her with nobody to speak on her behalf. How did the team do it?
"Don't spread this around," Agent [NAME REDACTED FOR REASONS OF THE GOVERNMENT HAS DETERMINED THAT IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS] stated, "But we've been arresting and deporting other ICES teams. When you have to fill a quota, you can't afford to be choosy about who you abduct off the street! We've filled our quota, and then some, for the last four months, so I guess this strategy works: it helps us inflate our numbers and eliminate the competition. Who says Vesampucceri isn't the land of opportunity?"
ICES agents who find themselves in a prison in El Salvador, I thought, but decided not to say lest I join them.
[NAME REDACTED FOR REASONS OF WE ARE NOT CARING, SHARING PEOPLE]'s team would follow other ICES teams on a raid; after the bad, bad, very bad people they arrested were processed and being prepared for their "liberation flight" to parts unknown, the team would share an adult beverage at The Roadrunner and Ferkin on K Street. When they left the cop bar in Washburningdington, they would be ambushed and pumped with a drug that would keep them groggy for 12 hours. That would be enough time to shave their heads, give them gang tattoos, file paperwork on them with fictitious names and personal histories, and get them on a plane.
"We're the only team, to my knowledge, that has a tattoo artist," [NAME REDACTED FOR REASONS OF WHO ARE YOU, ANYWAY? WE DO NOT KNOW YOU! WHY SHOULD WE TELL YOU ANYTHING?] crowed. "This is the kind of out-of-the-box-down-the-street-and-in-the-alley thinking you need to engage in to get ahead in ICES!"
Wouldn't ICES notice that a lot of its agents have been going missing lately? "Naah," [NAME REDACTED FOR REASONS OF IT IS NOT LIKE YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO THAT INFORMATION] said. He explained that a lot of recent recruits were white nationalists who many in the Department of Homeland Insecurity didn't trust; when they stopped showing up for work, ICES brass just assumed that they were killed by a gang of minority members that they were harassing, and took steps to fill the vacancies.
When asked about the disappearance of ICES agents, Attorney General Pam Electronbondi said, "ICES teams are not going missing. Okay, sure, some don't report for work when they're supposed to, but we just assume that the pressures of the job have driven them to become alcoholics and they're on a bender. They'll be back."
When asked about the possibility that ICES agents were being killed by minority members they were harassing, AG Electronbondi sneered, "Fake news! Our agents go through a rigorous vetting process so that we only hire the best people!"
"Yeeeaaaaaah," responded Pulippitzaner Prize winning Washburningdington Post contributor Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. "The vetting process for ICES seems to be asking the question, ‘Are you white?' and giving people a badge if they say anything other than ‘No.'"
Robinsoncrusoe went on to explain that ICES agents arresting and deporting each other is only possible because arrestees are not given due process of the law. "If they had to make a case for deportation in front of a judge, this would be a whole different kettle of haggis!"
[NAME REDACTED FOR REASONS OF DO YOU NOT GET THE IDEA ALREADY? WE DO NOT WANT YOU TO FERKING KNOW HIS FERKING NAME!] stroked his chin and grinned as he said, "I wouldn't be too sure about that. One member of our team is a pretty good ventriloquist; he could sit on one side of the person we want to deport. All we would need would be to add a puppeteer to the team to sit on the other side of the person and animate their groggy body. They could say they were the person's lawyers. It's 50-50 whether it would work or not, but I do love a challenge!"