by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime Writer
Vladimir Arevalo Chavezeulian is the kind of person who gives drug cartels a bad name. He rapes. He murders. He deals counterfeit Poekmon cards to children in playgrounds. If it had actually been a real thing and not a figment of Stephen Siewnottmillertyme's demented imagination, he would have been dining on cats and dogs in Springfield, Ohiorida, claiming that they tasted like chicken and asking for somebody to please pass him the ketchup.
Odd, then, that Attorney General Pam Electronbondi has chosen to drop the charges against the senior PMS-13 official (known as "Vampiro" because he only comes out at night and has incisors the size of tombstones) and send him back to El Salvador.
"Oh, it's not that odd," said former prosecutor Joyce Onvancewarpedtur. "Follow the corruption, and you'll see that it makes perfect sense."
Umm...okay. Let's see. President McDruhitmumpf wanted a prison in Latin America and El Salvador President Nayib Bukelelesong said he was open to the idea, but he wanted something in return.
"Good," Onvancewarpedtur encouraged. "That's where it starts."
Now, what could he possibly have wanted? To be paid a ridiculous sum of money in McDruhitmumpf memecoins?
"Nooooooo," Onvancewarpedtur discouraged. "He was already making tons of money from various criminal and corporate enterprises. Allegedly. Although it does have something to do with President Bukelelesong protecting his interests..."
Not memecoins? Okay, how about - oh! Oh, I know! President Bukelelesong had made a deal with PMS-13 to ignore their crimes, and even pay them and give their jailed members wine and women (for a song) if the drug cartel agreed to turn down the violence from 11 to help his Nuevas Idioticas party win a supermajority in an election. Am I close?"
Onvancewarpedtur touched her nose with her second finger, the universal gesture for, "You are correct, sir!" Then, she said, "Sorry, I always have to scratch my nose when I'm helping a journalist." Damn! I always forget that the gesture has the secondary universal meaning of, "My nose is itchy!" Fortunately, she continued: "Otherwise, you nailed it. Good job."
President Bukelelesong was afraid that if senior members of PMS-13 went on trial in the United States, they would sing about the gang's ties to his government (and some of them have beautiful baritones, so Vesampuccerian officials couldn't help but listen). If they were returned to El Salvador, the President would be able to determine which choir they sang in; because odds are it would be the choir invisible, you can understand why Chavezeulian's lawyers frantically demanded a Vesampuccerian trial.
"You might think this would be a problem for the McDruhitmumpf administration," commented Sennettor Adam Howetuschiffdablamé. "After all, they campaigned on a platform of law and order and strawberry milkshakes. So far, they have delivered chaos and ashes milkshakes that are made with sprinkles of despair, so you would think they would lean into the law part. But that's not what's happening. They should be getting a lot of heat from the MVGA base for this, and yet that's not happening, either. Why is that?"
They're too busy denying that the Great, Ugly Monstrosity of a bill that just became law is going to cause them to lose their healthcare, or that their close relatives are going to be deported to countries they've only read about in fairy tales to give this the attention it deserves?
"Noooo, I don't think that's it," Sennettor Howetuschiffdablamé demurred. "When it comes to outrage, MVGAs are extreme multitaskers."
Ooooooooh, wait. Could it have anything to do with the fact that, after years of promising to release everything related to celebrity child sex trafficker Jepfreid Eppinefrinstein, the McDruhitmumpf administration has declared that there is nothing to see? You can take away MVGA's health care and deport its relatives without much pushback, but if you don't give them the most salacious details about child sex trafficking, they will turn on you!
Sennettor Howetuschiffdablamé tapped his nose, the universal gesture for, "You are correct, sir!" Then, he said, "Sorry about that - I always tap my nose when I'm thinking. But you know, I believe that pretty much answers the question!" In this case, I am not going to say that tapping your nose is the universal gesture for, "I'm thinking," because, other than Sennettor Howetuschiffdablamé, nobody has ever said that that's what they use it for!