by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime/Justice Writer
When he first approached me with an offer of information, Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service team leader [NAME REDACTED FOR REASONS OF NATIONAL SECURITY] told me to expect an email if he was unable to communicate with me for more than 24 hours. Oooh, spooky spy stuff, keeds. I thought, Will it give me cryptic clues to where I can find the microdot that will reveal the evil villain's plan for taking over the world?
The laughter - you should pardon the expression - curled up in my throat and died when I received an anonymous email. Not at first: I initially thought it was spam and tried to delete it. All that did was trigger a pop-up box that read: "You don't have permission to delete this email. Don't be an asshole - read the damn message!"
The casual aggressiveness certainly sounded familiar, but I still wasn't sure. Nancy Gonglikwanyeoheeeeeeeh, the Alternate Reality News Service's Tech writer, told me that this shouldn't be possible, but -
"It shouldn't!" Nancy insisted.
Noted. But that's what happened. You can see the pop-up message between paragraphs two and three if you don't believe me. Not knowing what else to do, I opened the email, which read: "Hal! Get a grip, man! This isn't a message about how I trained my dog to take the TV remote away from me when I started swearing at the newscasters so loud it was obvious I was about to give myself a heart attack! This is [NAME REDACTED FOR REASONS OF SUNSHINE CAUSES CANCER]! If you're reading this, I have been arrested by another ICES team and am in a prison in El Salvador. Help me! Gotta love their style - I hope they get the Expulsers of the Month Award and gold star in my absence. As for myself, I hope they gave me an awesome tattoo, like a snake choking on an ace of spades or some cool shit like that, but HELP ME!"
At first, I was skeptical. But just as I was reading the fine print that warned me that the email would self-destruct in five seconds, an 8-bit cross between Rambotooreskew and Jackie Chanliliuchan strode manfully (if pixellatedly) onto the screen. The character pointed a bazooka that was bigger than he was at the message, then fired. A star with "KABOOM!" at its centre bloomed and grew until it filled the screen. When it winked out, the message was gone.
"Whoa!" Nancy exclaimed when I told her what had happened. "I may have to reassess my understanding of what is possible! And what I think of Rambotooreskew films!"
When asked about the situation, Homeland Insecurity Secretary Kristi Nomussfussbother stated, "I can neither confirm nor deny that the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service has an agent named [REDACTED FOR REASONS OF CODE NAMES BEING SO 1960s!]. But if we did, I can assure you that he would not have been renditioned to El Salvador. He would have been...umm...reassigned to the...to the North Pole! If you haven't heard from him - and why the hell is he even talking to a journalist in the first place? - it's because...err...you know, phones freeze in Arctic temperatures!"
"Dubious," Nancy sniffed.
There the matter may have - you should pardon the expression - died a lonely death, but I received an email that read: "Hey! Journalist! ICES team leader [NAME REDACTED FOR REASONS OF NATIONAL SECURITY]! You might have heard that ICES Agent [NAME REDACTED FOR REASONS LOST IN THE MISTS OF TIME] has been "reassigned" to Santa's workshop. Don't believe it! Nomussfussbother lies more often than a 12 year-old boy sneaks peaks at porn on his computer! We tagged him and bagged him and now he's enjoying life at President Bukelelesong's leisure. I, uhh, mean he's in a jail in El Salvador - I have no idea why I wrote it like that. The point is, we jiu jitsued his sorry ass! Don't believe me? Watch who wins this month's Expulsers of the Month Award and gold star!"
Before I had the opportunity to ask Secretary Nomussfussbother about this, I received another email. This time, it read: "Yo, you! Don't believe anything [NAME REDACTED FOR REASONS OF WHAT IS IN A NAME, ANYWAY?] says! He's already on his way to his Latin Vesampuccerian fate! I'm [NAME REDACTED FOR REASONS OF NATIONAL SECURITY]. I'm the top dog in this organization! To prove it to you, I - urk!"
All of a sudden, six more anonymous emails appeared in my inbox. Ignoring them, I asked Secretary Nomussfussbother if there was a sudden precipitous decline in the number of ICES agents.
"Oh, you know," she wistfully replied, "staff at a national security agency are like high school friends. They come. They go. But as long as you have a core cadre that you rely on, you can rid the country of the illegal scum that's destroying it!"
Oddly, I was not reassured.