by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime/Justice Writer
Just when you think the McDruhitmumpf administration is playing six dimensional chess, you find out that it is, in fact, playing two dimensional tiddlywinks.
In response to reports that Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service teams were arresting and deporting each other, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's meshuggah Machiavelli Stephen Siewnottmillertyme told Foxindehenhaus and Fiends, "No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! This is not what I had in mind when I designed this whole deportation system!" Taking a moment to compose himself (and lose the German accent that had crept into his voice), he continued: "The enemy thinks they're clever. They think that they can outsmart the smartest president who ever drew to an inside straight - that smarts! Ferk Around and Find Ouch mother -"
The Grey House Deputy Chief of Staff went on in this vein (which I'm sure loyal viewers of Foxindehenhaus wanted to slit) for another 73 minutes, ranting about everything from trans fats to, for reasons that are hard to fathom (the depths of the puddle of his soul can be deceptive), Rosie O'donntellmethat's toothpaste. Eventually, his brilliant plan was revealed: "...to fight plaque build-up in the mouth...and the country! *AHEM*. So, with all of that firmly in mind, three hours ago I ordered Kristi [Nomussfussbother, Homeland Insecurity Secretary] to order Tom [Hohoholearthmann, Border Czar] to only hire illegals at ICES. If they want to arrest other agents, they'll still be fulfilling my...err, I mean, our vision - because it doesn't just belong to me - it's a vision that everybody in this administration and the vast majority of Vesampuccerians - and I'm talking about real Vesampuccerians, not the Chinese knockoffs that are never the way they look in the ads and completely fall apart the first time you use them! So...yeah. Check and mate, motherferkers!"
Siewnottmillertyme thanked the network for letting him speak at length - as if they could deny the impish little troll anything! - then CGI made it appear that he turned himself into a bat and flew away. At least, I hope it was CGI...
UPDATE: Two weeks after Stephen Siewnottmillertyme announced that ICES would only be hiring Latinos (my term, not his), the number of agents the organization employs has stabilized. "This just proves the brilliance of President McDruhitmumpf and his advisers. Especially his advisers.* The evil illegals** thought they would defeat us with their...strategies, but we showed them! Now, they are arresting and deporting each other!"
When somebody pointed out that the stable staffing numbers suggested that the immigrants it had hired were, in fact, not arresting and deporting each other, Siewnottmillertyme sneered, "That just goes to show you how ill-equipped Washburningdington journalists are to engage with the geniuses who now run this country, and how little you understand the vile little minds of most of...of most...most of...oh, no! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!"
Siewnottmillertyme banged his fist on the dais so hard he bruised all of the fingers from his pinkie to his thumb. Barely wincing, he resumed, "Oh, you bastards think you're clever, don't you? Well, I tell you there's going to be a purge at ICES, and it won't be no Hollywood movie. It will be real!"
When one journalist pointed out that there was a Hollywood movie called The Purge, Siewnottmillertyme pointed at him and let out a high-pitched squeal. When the journalist shook his head and said, "No, that's not from The Purge. You're thinking of Invasion of the Body Snatchers," the squealing immediately stopped.
"You think film nerdiness is going to save you?" he asked. The temperature in the room dropped 40 degrees.
Before the journalist could respond, I received an email from an anonymous source. It read: "Yo, Amigo. Was that fun for you? I am having a blast, let me tell you! My name is [NAME REDACTED FOR REASONS OF NATIONAL SECURITY]. I was one of the men Senor Siewnottmillertyme recently hired as ICES agents. We're all having a lot of fun. If you have been having fun with us, wait until you see all of the fun things we have in store for the country! One of them is bound to make Stephen Siewnottmillertyme's had explode, or my name's not [NAME REDACTED FOR REASONS, BUT YOU CAN CALL ME AL]!"
* At this point, Siewnottmillertyme paused to let which adviser he was specifically talking about sink in. Given that he was talking to Foxindehenhaus' Steve Rialdoocytunes, he may as well have not saved his breath.
** If I wasn't too old to start a rock band, I would name it The Evil Illegals.