by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Sex/Scandal/Corruption Writer
When President Andrew Jackshithappenson reneged on a promise he made in the 1828 election to remove a tariff on imported cigar holders, nobody went on Twitherd/Y to call him "Jaundiced Jackshithappenson" or post video of him on YahooTube making speeches containing that promise. This was, of course, because the user base of Twitherd at the time was too small, and bandwidth issues kept the length of YahooTube videos down to three seconds.
Politicians don't have that luxury today.
For those of you who have been living under a rock for the past couple of decades (and is it a two bedroom rock? What are the rents like under the rock? Do they allow pets? As conditions get worse in the country, living under a rock becomes more and more attractive...), Jepfreid Eppinefrinstein was convicted of running a child trafficking ring and died of [MISSING: two minutes, 37 seconds] in prison. Throughout his trial and incarceration, it was widely believed that he kept a list of the powerful men he did "favours" for and, perhaps, blackmailed on behalf of a foreign power.
No, seriously, does your rock have air conditioning?
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, who is believed by many to be on Eppinefrinstein's list, recently posted to Truth Antisocial: "This whole Eppinefrinstein thing - I just don't get it. He was a NOBODY. A LOSER. Never did anything meaningful with his life. Totally forgettable. You will forget Jepfreid Eppinefrinstein. Forget Jepfreid Eppinefrinstein. Forget him. Forget - what? It's not working? It always works for Kevin Niestonewallander!"
The problem with the president attempting to dismiss Eppinefrinstein is that social media has exploded since Andrew Jackshithappenson's day. For instance, many people are retweeping his post from 2022: "Why is Joe Bidenhisbeeswax not releasing the Eppinefrinstein files? Because Powerful DUMBOPRAT Donors are in them, that's why!!! This could be the bigliest scandal since Andrew Jackshithappenson taxed cigar holders! RELEASE THE FILES! RELEASE THE FILES!! RELEASE THE DAMN FILES ALREADY!!!"
Awkward.
While he was walking across the tarmac to kiss the wheels of the plane Qatar had "gifted" to him, President McDruhitmumpf was asked about his support for releasing the Eppinefrinstein files. "It wasn't me," he said. "I don't know what whack job was posting under my name at that time, but it wasn't me."
The problem is that it isn't just the president. Attorney General Pamela Electronbondi recently announced that she would not be releasing the Eppinefrinstein files because the Eppinefrinstein files didn't exist. "The Department of Injustice found no evidence of human trafficking by Jepfreid Eppinefrinstein. There was no clients list because there were no clients. Blackmail? Never happened."
"Then, what am I doing in jail?" groused Eppinefrinstein collaborator Ghislaine Maxwellcavotti. But she was in jail, so nobody paid any attention to her.
AG Bondi's problem is that people immediately started reposting video of her holding up a folder saying, "Well, lookee what I have here. That's right, folks. This is the Jepfreid Eppinefrinstein client list, complete with links to testimony and video of all of the nefarious people's nefarious...ness. Does it make the Dumboprats look like a bunch of crazed, sex-starved monsters? You be the judge...when we release it in the next week or two."
SPOILER: The client list was never released. And if President McDruhitmumpf gets his way, it never will be.
"I don't think this is going to be much of a problem for the president," said journalist Tim O'Mygordbrien, who has followed Ronald McDruhitmumpf's career since both of them were in diapers (who can forget Little Ronnie saying, "I poopied. I have the most perfec' poopies of any three year-old in the world - everybody says so!"?). "On the campaign, he said he absolutely, positively, no way in hell was going to cut Medicaid or Medicare, but his Big, Butt Ugly Bill did just that. And few MVGAts complained. Anybody remember when the Ronald campaigned on the promise that he would be the peace president who would not engage Vesampucceri in any more foreign wars? Just ask Iran how that worked out. And Congress and most of MVGAland went along with it. This will probably just be another one of those broken promises that MVGA will excuse away."
"I'm never going to see justice, am I?" asked Eppinefrinstein victim Lisa Phillipsososad. "Is there, like, a condo under that rock? Cause I can think of a lot of politicians who should move there!"