by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Sex/Scandal/Corruption Writer
Some Liberals revel in the tears of Ronald McDruhitmumpf supporters. But honestly, MVGAts blubber like whales; I've taken to wearing plastic rain gear when I interview them in person (and plastic gloves when I interview them over the phone). And their snot gets everywhere! It's like sand, only slimy. Yuck! You do not want slimy sand in your underwear!
Ahem.
What turned on the waterfall (no, it wasn't the Jews "who control the weather -" sorry, Marjorie Taylormaid Fortrubble)? The announcement by Attorney General Pam "I Know It Sounds Like I Should Be A Stewardess in the 1960s, But I Can't Help When I Was Born" Electronbondi that there was no Jepfreid Eppinefrinstein client list and the Department of Injustice was officially closing the case, that's what.
"I had my Bill and Hillary Roocartoncleveman dolls ready to burn in effigy!" complained Make Vesampucceri Great Again fanatic Andrea von Vanderloony. "You see the little gallows, yes? And the stack of kindling and firewood below it? I'm a Salem Witch Trials Reenacter, so you know all the details are right. Now what am I supposed to do with it? There's barely enough wood there to light a cigar!"
It didn't help that President McDruhitmumpf, who, like Electronbondi, had been demanding the release of the Eppinefrinstein files for most of the last decade, announced that the investigation was over and his cult followers should move on. "That wasn't me all those years!" he pleaded with his base on Truth Antisocial. "That was an Alien Clone funded by Sorobororos who worked with Nancy Pelligrinosi and Chuckie Schumaihargowmer to tear us apart, my dear, dear MAKE VESAMPUCCRI GREAT AGAIN followers. Don't let those EVIL COMMUNIST ALIENS tear us apart!"
MVGA megasupporter Howard Grenowaynoble's reply to the President was simple: "My President, hast thou forsaken me?"
Definitely not a cult.
Sensing that the tactic wasn't working, AG Electronbondi decided to pursue a different tacky. "Dumboprats who are calling for the release of the Eppinefrinstein files," she argued, "want the government to release child pornography. I mean, how sick is that?"
"Not sick! Not sick at all!" cried Reduhblican fanatic Gloucester Armpriorbrooster. "How are we going to be able to judge just how disgustingly vile everybody connected to Eppinefrinstein is if we can't see it for ourselves? And I'm not talking about selected clips, either! I wanna see the whole thing in all of its vile disgustness!"
"The Attorney General knows that the files can be released with the most salacious parts redacted," Senator Adam Howetuschiffdablamé responded. "I would say I was disappointed in her, but that train left the station on the second day she was in the job, and has now made so many round trips it would make my head spin to try and count them all!"
At the same time, President McDruhitmumpf was acting like a jilted lover on his social network: "Oh, so you're rejecting me? Well, you can't, BECAUSE I REJECT YOU FIRST! Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Yes, I did. I never liked you in the first place - I just pretended to like you so I could get your vote! Oh! Oh! Oh! No, you di'nt? Oh, yes, I DI! Now who looks like a MORON?!!!!!"
"Hunh. Looks like I was wrong thinking the Eppinefrinstein stuff was going to be just another broken campaign promise that was quickly forgotten by the MVGA base," admitted journalist and McDruhitmumpf chronicler for a lot longer than is healthy for a person Tim O'Mygordbrien. "War, Medicaid cuts, deporting your father, brother and three month old niece who are not the worst of the worst (although you thought that of your brother when you were growing up) - those are all broken promises MVGA could excuse. But this? This flew below my radar, dropped its bomb and was back in its hangar where the pilots could enjoy a nice cup of hot marshmallows before I even knew what was happening!"
This scandal threatens to split the Reduhblican Party before the mid-term elections, which could hand control of the House of Unrepresentatives back to the Dumboprats. But that's 15 months away, which is 27 in McDruhitmumpf years, so nobody is paying that much attention to it.
"When I was younger and I thought of all of the times I was violated on that island that evil man took me to," Eppinefrinstein victim Lisa Phillipsososad stated, "I felt like I could just start crying and never stop. But I've managed to have a life - now if I could only have justice..."