by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Sex/Scandal/Corruption Writer
Ghislaine Maxwellcavotti knows things. She knows a recipe for ratatouille (which is missing a key ingredient, which explains why it tastes terrible, which is the reason she doesn't make it; I didn't say she this knowledge was useful, or that she applied it). She knows Euler's Constant (the secret was a lot of fibre in his diet). She knows when you've been naughty and she knows when you've been nice.
Especially if you're rich and powerful.
Maxwellcavotti is currently serving a 20 year jail sentence for being Jepfreid Eppinefrinstein's accomplice in the sex trafficking of underage girls. You know, the sex trafficking that Attorney General Pam Electronbondi announced didn't exist? Yeah, that sex trafficking.
Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanchettverithot is seeking a meeting with Maxwellcavotti. In announcing his desire for the meeting, Blanchettverithot was coy about the reason: maybe it was to discuss justice for her victims, maybe it was to exchange recipes (a ratatouille recipe that doesn't taste like overchewed gum would be a good start).
"It was to offer her a bribe," stated political commentator Zerlina Maxwellcavotti. "And I want to be very clear about this: I am in no way related to Ghislaine Maxwellcavotti. It's a total coincidence that we have the same last name, but we do not share a drop of blood."
I was hoping she would elaborate on the nature of the bribe. "I was getting to that," Maxwellcavotti (the commentator) continued. "I just wanted to ensure that nobody mistook me as somehow being related to that monster. Because I'm not. No way. No how."
Some people believe that President Ronald McDruhitmumpf is frightened of what Maxwellcavotti (Ghislaine, not Zerlina) could reveal about his relationship with Eppinefrinstein. Other than what the still photos and video of them together has already revealed. Or the love letters they wrote to each other on their birthdays. Or the matching tattoos of Roy Canadiohen ripping up a copy of the Constitution they got when they were both drunk out of their minds after an evening at Eppinefrinstein Island.
Some suspect Blanchettverithot will be offering Maxwellcavotti (the socialite sex trafficker, not the respected journalist) a presidential pardon in return for her..discretion when it comes to certain...delicate matters...
"I was going to say that," Maxwellcavotti (Z, not G) pointed out. "Only, I wasn't going to be so precious about it. Ghislaine is going to be offered a pardon in exchange for photoshopping McDruhitmumpf - and possibly other prominent Reduhblicans - out of her memories of underage sex trafficking."
G. Maxwellcavotti attended all the same parties and is believed to have got the same tattoos as Eppinefrinstein. "She's an ambulatory Eppinefrinstein File!" commented journalist David Cay Johnstonmassacre. "She's the Eppinefrinstein File with a stunning figure and designer jailwear! Imagine what she could reveal if she were to testify in front of a Congressional committee...or if prison garb wasn't designed to make everybody look like a sack of orange potatoes!"
Pardon power is one of the few that a president wields almost without exception (although, as the McDruhitmumpf presidency is proving, absolute pardon power corrupts absolutely). President McDruhitmumpf has used it to vacate the criminal records of January 6 rioters, donors to his campaign (and his personal businesses) and, for reasons that surpasseth understanding, the Hamburgler. (Lawyers for McDonjailanald's thanked the president for his consideration, but pointed out that if the Hamburgler went straight, the international restaurant chain would have to create a whole new advertising campaign, so he would remain bad to the...not bone - this is a family chain, after all - bad to maybe the third or fourth layer of skin.)
"The Ronald puts a lot of effort into his hobby of pardoning his friends and supporters and anybody else who might be of use to him," Johnstonmassacre said. "I mean, a ton of effort. But this - if this actually happens, it will be a pardon steroids! It's the kind of thing that would make The Hulk look like Walter Smittysmutmitty!"
When I told him that I didn't understand either of the references, he tsked and said, "You kids today! You really need to learn the classics!"
You kids? Oh, bless his heart!
"Have you forgotten about me?" Maxwellcavotti asked. I...had lost track of which Maxwellcavotti it was, so, to avoid embarrassment, I closed my lapto