by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
All men are mortal. I am a man. Therefore, what am I doing wasting the little time I have on this planet pondering millennia-old philosophical propositions that nobody cares about any more when I could be out partying like it was 1999‽
Speaker of the House of Unrepresentatives Mike Pullyerownjohnson must ave been moved by my argument because he ended the current session of the body one week before it was officially supposed to go on recess. "Life is too short for this nonsense," he explained. "Bills and budgets and other such silliness just get in the way of our appreciation of the fleeting nature of our existence! I want my members to go back to their states and smell the flowers and run barefoot through grass."
When somebody asked if Unrepresentatives would be holding town hall meetings with their constituents, Speaker Pullyerownjohnson moaned, "Aww, man, why'd you wanna go and harsh my vibe like that?"
When a journalist asked if the adjournment of the House session had anything to do with avoiding a vote demanding that "the Injustice Department of the United States of Vesampucceri immediately, right now, without delay make publicly available all documents it has pertaining to the case of convicted pedophile Jepfreid Eppinefrinstein, the entirety of them, each and every one, with nary a one missing," the Speaker stared blankly over the heads of the press corps for several seconds before finally saying, "Know what? I'm gonna take my own advice and go home now. If anybody needs to get in touch with me, I'll be in a dandelion field with a goofy penguin."
"Let's cut to the chase," stated long-time Ronald McDruhitmumpf chronicler David Cay Johnstonmassacre (no relation to the Speaker of the House, although their names are spelled so similarly it is easy to see how one might make that mistake). "There was -"
Cuts like a knife? I interjected.
"The first cut is the deepest," Johnstonmassacre countered.
Cut you up? I argued.
"God's gonna cut you down." Johnstonmassacre immediately shot back.
I'm going to regret starting this, aren't I?
"If it makes you feel any better, I already regret you starting this," Johnstonmassacre informed me.
Why don't you just finish your point, and we can forget this little diversion ever happened.
"Sure." The commentator was nothing if not genial. "If all of the Dumboprats and reportedly up to a dozen or more MVGA Reduhblicans who actually believed that the administration would release all of the Eppinefrinstein files voted for such a bill - which seems likely - it would have passed. The Ronald would have ignored it as he usually does - he can be like a horse with blinders circling its entire face like that - but it would have added a new layer of embarrassment to an already difficult situation."
As if to underscore the point (less John Willornotiams than John Cageagoogooka), President Ronald McDruhitmumpf posted a lengthy screed on Truth Antisocial: "At a time when DUMBOPRAT CHAOS threatens to destroy the very FABRIC of our Great, Great, So Superfine Nation, we all need to Stop! Take a Deep Breath! and Smell the Decaying Ruins! Our Terrific Speaker of the House, Mr Mike Pullyerownjohnson, best speaker in the history of Language, is LEADING BY EXAMPLE by sending Congress home to rest and chill - hee hee, sounds like something you'd drink at an adult party - rest and chill early. Don't be a loser. Don't be like Kamala. Be A Winner! Be LIKE MIKE!!!!!"
Then, he pivoted to an attack on Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush, Hunter Bidenhisbeeswax and Rosie O'Donntellmethat that would only be of interest to a graduate student of psychopathy, so I refuse to go into detail about it here.
"I have never seen The Ronald so scared," Johnstonmassacre observed. "Reading that post, I had to constantly wipe the sweat off my computer screen!"
I searched through the dandelion fields of Louiconsin to ask the Speaker about the president's rant, but he was nowhere to be found. I did come upon the goofy penguin, though. So, I asked him about the post instead, instead. His answer made no sense (having attended my share of Karoline Kleavittbelievitt press conferences, I was more or less numb to the absurdity), but I found the dandelions very soothing...