by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics/Government Deconstruction Writer
One aspect of being a malignant narcissist is that you cannot conceive of your own death. Death is something that happens to other people. When asked about their own demises, MNs (as they're not called in the psychology literature) become outraged. "How could the universe possibly continue without my obvious perfection?" they reason.
When asked what his legacy will be, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf replied, "Legacies are for losers who go away. I'm not a loser. I'm not planning on going away."
He may not be, but that doesn't mean that others aren't planning on a world where he has gone away. The most prominent is a little-known corporate think tank called Shadowy Cabal of Millionaires and Billionaires, Inc.
"Ronald has been very useful to us, but that usefulness may be coming to an end," said Russell Voughtingisachore, Vice President, Messaging and Propaganda for the group and key architect of Project Runaway 2025. He pointed to MVGA voters turning away from the Reduhblican Party because the government refuses to release the Eppinefrinstein Files as a major problem.
"As long as his base was large enough that we could cheat to get the balance of votes to win elections, he was the perfect candidate," Voughtingisachore explained. "As his base shrinks, the cheating has to become more blatant. Granted, the Dumboprats rolled over on the cheating in the 2024 election, but we can't rely on our members in their camp keeping them from wondering why they're not winning even though they're more popular than Reduhblicans forever..."
"Oh, he's a dead man rage tweeting," said Peter Thielmenosecrets, Chief Financial Officer of Shadowy Cabal, Inc. "Fortunately, we have an alternative waiting to take over when, one way or another, Ronald is no longer in the picture."
JD Onvancewarpedtur, the Vice President Thielmenosecrets bought and paid for?
"You noticed?" Thielmenosecrets chirped, delighted. "Modesty forbids me from crowing about him, but I do think JD is some of my finest work. Think of it: he comes without the psychotic need to talk about what he's doing publicly. And he's so young! He could be President of the United States for the next 30 or 40 years!"
When I pointed out that presidents are limited to two terms, Thielmenosecrets grinned and said, "You might think that. I couldn't possibly comment..."
Somewhere in the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, a Prime Minister wakes up in the middle of the night and shudders.
Shadowy Cabal, Inc. would like to make it clear that they are not wishing for President McDruhitmumpf's expiry. The increasing nonsense of his speech, combined with the odd bulge in his pants (indicating that he is wearing a brace due to poor circulation and dementia-related balance issues; if you thought it meant anything else, shame on you! This is the party of Family ValuesTM!), suggest that his health is failing, so it seems reasonable to prepare for such an eventuality. But they haven't ruled out the possibility of removing him by the mechanism of the 25th Amendment.
"It would be messy and would undoubtedly alienate some voters who cling to him rather than the party," admitted Curtis Yarmateyayvin, Chief Executive Officer of Shadowy C., Inc. whose philosophy that, "Democracy is for losers. All the cool kids are into fascist autocracy these days!" drives the organization's efforts. "But if he doesn't die soon, it's always an option."
Yarmateyayvin suggested another possible action: putting a horse's head in McDruhitmumpf's bed in the middle of the night. While it was still attached to the horse. That hadn't been fed for several days. "If the horse didn't immediately eat his face, its presence could cause Ronald to have a massive coronary," he explained. "I would be satisfied with that..."
Missing from the conversation was Chief Technological Officer Elon Threelonemuskateers. The other leaders of the group looked embarrassed.
"Elon was...a firebrand..." Voughtingisachore eventually said.
"A bundle of energy," Thielmenosecrets agreed.
"But he...strayed..."
"Lost the thread."
"Went off message."
"Started grandstanding, which hurt our -"
"That boy always had an ego on him, and it got the better of him!" Yarmateyayvin angrily broke in. "The whole point of belonging to Shadowy Cabal, Inc. is that you stay in the shadows. It's right there in the name! You don't become the story! Excommunicating him was the only choice he left us!"
The others murmured agreement. If that's how the treat one of their own...