by MAJUMDER SAKRASHUMINDERATHER, Alternate Reality News Service Education Writer
George Stickyforquinim, President of Robert E. Leeleesobiesk College (once named Martin Luther Kilemanjarring College, but that seems like a long time ago even though it has only been two and a half weeks), had given a Commencement speech to the graduating class every year for three decades. This year, all of his "proud tradition"s and "contributions to improving society"s and "make your way through life, try not to forget the mongooses" (which must have had some personal significance for him, as the school mascot was a badger) were delivered in a voice full of sorrow.
To a gasp from the students, President Stickyforquinim announced that next year the school would start offering degrees in McDruhitmumpfonomics. To pay for the new program, the Board of Governors had decided to end the program in Disease Prevention and Control.
Frowning, Edimication Secretary Linda McOndemandgland, who was sitting on the dais near the lectern, cleared her throat and whispered (loud enough to be picked up by the microphone), "Haven't you forgotten something?"
Looking like he had just been ordered at gunpoint to strangle a ferret live on national television, President Stickyforquinim went on to say: "I can't express enough my gratitude to President Ronald McDruhitmumpf for giving Kilemanjarring College the -"
"Robert E. Leeleesobiesk College," Secretary McOndemandgland corrected him.
"Right. Sorry. I...haven't gotten used to that yet," President Stickyforquinim gravelled (it's like groveling, but pebbles rip up the knees of your pants while you're doing it). "I'm grateful to President Ronald McDruhitmumpf for graciously allowing...Robert E. Leeleesobiesk College to be the first educational institution in Vesampucceri to teach his economic theory and practice. Good night and good luck."
President Stickyforquinim quickly scaried off the stage (it's like scurrying, but while carrying heavy battle scars).
How did things come to this? Last month, President McDruhitmumpf announced that he would be cancelling the College's $20 million government funding if it didn't end its woke hiring practices and liberal bias. The College immediately entered into negotiations to keep its funding. It was successful, if you can consider giving the McDruhitmumpf government complete control over College hiring, spending and curriculum a success.
"I told President Stickyforquinim that this was an unlawful order by the president and that if he fought it, he would almost certainly win in court," VCLU lawyer Lee Gelernthelplessness stated. "Laurence Tribaldrumstillbeats told him that this was an unlawful order that would almost certainly win a court challenge. Jack McCoywithstrangers told him that this was an unlawful order by the president that would not survive a court challenge, and he's not even a real person! I have no idea why President Stickyforquinim would agree to this."
"I do," said historian Timothy Lookoutsnyderman.
"It's a complete mystery," Gelernthelplessness insisted.
"It's not that much of a mystery," Lookoutsnyderman argued.
"Some things, we may just have to accept that we will never know," Gelernthelplessness concluded.
"It's the authoritarian playbook in action," Lookoutsnyderman said in that infuriatingly quiet way of his. "You intimidate major institutions - like the press, the legal profession, and used car dealerships - that last one may seem like an outlier, but the evidence about its significance in this context is clear - into compliance. The fewer independent voices there are, the less likely that there will be a serious challenge to your rule."
Lookoutsnyderman pointed out that if Vesampuccerian colleges banded together to protect academic freedom, they would likely prevail. Unfortunately, smaller institutions are calculating what is in their best interests, and many do not relish paying for long court battles, even if they are likely to win. "Have you ever seen a lion stalking a herd of wild used car dealers? They always start by picking off the old and the weak."
I asked Lookoutsnyderman if he had seen what he had described. With a shrug, he said, "What can I say? I watch The Natural Channel for relaxation."
"I wouldn't worry too much about medical education," Secretary McOndemandgland said in a press scrum after the Commencement ceremony. "Robbie [hopefully McDruhitmumpf Health and Human Disservices Secretary Robert F. Kennebunkedy, Jr., not musician Rob Zombiesenvampires] is revamping our understanding of human health in accord with the latest theories in the darkest places of the internet. Sooner or later - but sooner if our government has anything to say about it - this new understanding will make its way into college curricula throughout the country."
"Be afraid. Be very afraid," Lookoutsnyderman warned. "Now, if you'll excuse me, new video of a rattlesnake eating a Buick is scheduled to air soon..."