The Daily Me - Srinivasa "Ted" Ramanujant

Thank you, Srinivasa "Ted" Ramanujant, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, Foreign Affairs Minister Anita Anand insisted that Canada was not sending lethal aid to Israel, that a shipment labelled "bullets" was actually made up of "paintball-style projectiles" that "cannot be used in combat." That should settle the issue once and for. Canada is not supplying a genocidal nation with arms it can use to kill Palestinians; we're supplying a genocidal nation with recreational equipment its soldiers who are carrying out the genocide can use in their spare time.

That should shut up you antisemitic bastards!

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

Saying This, I May Be A Bit Of An Oversharer
But Satire Doesn't Get Much Better Than Tom Lehrer

Was it really sixty years ago,
That he taught us "The Masochism Tango?"
If religion is more your bag
He's the man who gave us "The Vatican Rag."
If it's clarity on American racism you seek,
You could do worse than "National Brotherhood Week."

He was a comic genius, you can't say fairer -
An evening was never wasted with Tom Lehrer.

His music was frequently outrageous
(Anybody up for "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park?"),
But it could also be seen to be courageous
("We'll All Go Together When We Go" - what a lark!).
And his rhymes encourage us
To the possibilities of language hark.

A musical genius, an offender, a darer -
The world is poorer without Tom Lehrer.

With only a handful of albums, his career may have died of anemia,
Especially when, after much success, he returned to academia.
But despite his catalogue being decades old,
He is still celebrated for his vision, bold.v Now at the age of ninety-seven,
He has gone to satirist's heaven.
Of bad news you could hum to, he was always a bearer -
Be grateful for the legacy of Tom Lehrer

SOURCE: Obits 'R Us

[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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As It Is Above (Highlander), So Shall It Be Below

9pm
Hellovision
Burn in Hell With George Wallace

George's very special guest is metal musician Ozzy Osbourne. They will play a popular game on the show: "Who's Your Favourite Nazi?" Then, Satan will make a special, unannounced appearance in which he will roast Osbourne for being known as "The Prince of Darkness."

SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide

[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Which Every Day Is Looking More And More Like The Past Of German Law Enforcement

Looking for a way to get out your frustrations at the direction of the world and serve your country? Have we got an offer for you! Join the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service (ICES). We're looking for a few (thousand) good men who want to kick ass (taking names is optional, and, in fact, mildly discouraged). We are especially keen on former police and military personnel. Discharged from the army for sassing your superior officer? Fired from the police force for being a little too enthusiastic in taking down the worst of the worst? You're our kind of guy! And the best part? No uniform. Unmarked vehicles. Masks are highly recommended (but not mandatory - we learned our lesson). You can work out all of your aggression with zero possibility woke civil liberty lawyers will hold you accountable! Tempted, but still not sure you want to leave the army or police? Tell you what. We'll give you a $50,000 bonus just for signing on with us to help you make up your mind!

We're ICES - come join the future of American law enforcement!

SOURCE: Your Guide To Getting Jobbed

[http://on.ygtgj.com/listings/056971.qrhtml]
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You Don't Understand! Rich People Pay Others To Face The Consequences Of Their Actions!

Okay. Let me get this straight. You go to a music concert with a woman who is not your wife. You are caught on the stadium's kisscam - wait for it - kissing the woman! Shocker! You and the woman act guilty as hell until somebody in the control booth realizes that you don't want to be on the kisscam and cuts to a commercial for a mouth deodorant. And you're suing the band that was playing for ruining your life‽

Listen up, asshole! Your affair couldn't have been more obvious if you had programmed drones to form huge neon arrows pointing towards the two of you in the stands with the words "Well, well, well, wot 'ave we 'ere, den, eh‽" flashing inside them! Maybe, and I hold out no hope that you will hear what I'm about to say, but I've already committed to the bit, just maybe Coldplay isn't responsible for you cheating on your wife! Unless Coldplay actually did somehow force you to cheat on your wife. In which case, what the hell universe are we living in‽

SOURCE: Listen Up, Asshole

[http://www.(^!$%!$.htm#_)!(*)!*)*)*.htm#%!&&%(.com/index.html]
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Safe At Third...Country!

2 shy shy, hush hush) On the Government of Canada's website on the Safe Third Country Agreement, it states that: "Only countries that respect human rights and offer a high degree of protection to asylum seekers may be designated as safe third countries." The United States has been kidnapping people off the street, ignoring their human rights and sending them to camps and prisons where they have to live in inhumane conditions. Why does Canada continue to treat the US as a safe third country? a) it's safe for Canadian politicians
b) because if the country gets on the bad side of President Trump, he could put outrageous tariffs on goods we export...goods we export to the...umm...to the...well, shit
c) nobody has noticed - shh!

 here, have a 2 ply tissue for your tears) The United States has been added to a list of countries that are unsafe to travel to because of sustained attacks on civil liberties, a list that includes Turkey, Serbia, El Salvador, Indonesia, and Kenya. Canadians have been advised to go there with extreme caution. But why would we be willing to discourage our own citizens from going to the US while sending citizens from other countries there?
a) a safe third country may not necessarily be a safe second country - duh!
b) I wouldn't say that the Canadian government is outsourcing dirty immigration tactics to another country and, no, I'm not winking at you, I just...I have something in my eye, okay? c) practice

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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