SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
Transcript of a meeting of the Ronald McDruhitmumpf Emergency Response Team, July 28, 2025. Members in attendance: Russell Voughtingisachore, JD Onvancewarpedtur, Karoline Kleavittbelievitt, Mike Pullyerownjohnson, and Lindsay Grahamcrokercrum.
RUSSELL VOUGHTINGISACHORE; Okay, everybody, before we move on to new business, a bit of old business. As you all know, President McDruhitmumpf's tariffs are causing the price of goods to rise, but slowly. Slowly enough, in fact, that over 99 per cent of MVGAts still believe that tariffs are paid for by foreign producers.
MIKE PULLYEROWNJOHNSON: How will this affect the mid-terms?
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: If this trend holds, the erosion of the base on this issue should be minimal.
LINDSAY GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: I knew it all along! Well done, team!
PAUSE.
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: Yes, well, as we all know, when one crisis is averted, another usually appears. Today, it seems to be a return of the Eppinefrinstein schemazzle.
JD ONVANCEWARPEDTUR: That? Again? I thought we had handled that!
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: Ah, Young JD, if I only had your naivete. You should know by now that nothing is ever settled where POTUS is involved.
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: Oh, Lordy, Lord, what has the President done now?
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: When asked if he would pardon Eppinefrinstein collaborator Ghislaine Maxwellcavotti, he said he would consider pardoning anybody who he thought was innocent.
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: (appalled) The woman who was convicted of sex trafficking minors?
KAROLINE KLEAVITTBELIEVITT: Lindsay, why do you always have to be such a drama queen?
PULLYEROWNJOHNSON: Wasn't that the plan? POTUS pardons Maxwellcavotti in exchange for her testifying against Dumboprats but omitting any mention of Reduhblicans?
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: Sure. But we were slow walking it. The base is already in an uproar over the administration refusing to release the Eppinefrinstein files. Then announcing that it would only release some of the files. Then announcing that it would release all of the files, but they would be redacted. MVGA already thinks we're covering up something - this just adds fuel to the conspiracy fire.
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: We could always invoke the 25th amendment.
Everybody in the room moans.
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: And who do we have to replace him?
ONVANCEWARPEDTUR: (clears his throat) As a matter of fact -
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: All in good time, Padawan. All in good time. I know Peter is eager to get you into the Grey House, but you need more experience.
PAUSE.
ONVANCEWARPEDTUR: Could we maybe arrange an "accident" for her in her prison cell?
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: That's a better plan than invoking the 25th Amendment?
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: (shaking head) It wouldn't work.
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: Thank you!
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: Two suspicious deaths of the two major players in a sex trafficking ring that voters believe involved wealthy, well-connected men would cause suspicion. More suspicion. You know what I mean.
PULLYEROWNJOHNSON: Can we rehabilitate her reputation?
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: (intrigued) Tell me more.
PULLYEROWNJOHNSON: Start spreading the news that Maxwellcavotti's conviction was a hoax, that she is, in fact, innocent of all of the charges against her.
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: But all the evidence!
PULLYEROWNJOHNSON: (waves a hand) Evidence, shmevidence! You know when the evidence was overwhelming? The Russian collusion case. And MVGA ignored it all when POTUS called it a hoax.
KLEAVITTBELIEVITT: I don't know, Mikey. I'm already having trouble selling the idea that POTUS is being fully transparent about Eppinefrinstein. There may not be a lot of real journalists left in the press gallery, but the ones who are there laugh at me behind my back.
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: Suck it up, buttercup! Need I remind you that we're not here for our own personal benefit, that we're here for a higher purpose?
KLEAVITTBELIEVITT: Sir, no, sir! If this is the line the Emergency Response Team decides to go with, this is the line I will cheerfully peddle to the press, sir!
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: Good, soldier. The cause could use more like you!
PULLYEROWNJOHNSON: If we start working on rehabilitating Maxwellcavotti's reputation, we could justify POTUS' plan to move her to a minimum security prison.
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: Move her to a - but she doesn't qualify!
PULLYEROWNJOHNSON: Not as a sex offender who had relations with minors, no. But if all those convictions were a hoax, not only would she qualify, but it would be our moral duty as Christians to remove this innocent woman from the hellhole of a maximum security prison.
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: No. I'm sorry, but whitewashing the reputation of a child trafficking sex offender crosses the line! I'm out!
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: What about your Sennett seat?
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: Okay, I'm back in again.
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: Okay, then. Good work, everybody. Let's take a break - I need a drink! When we come back in half an hour - no, make that an hour - when we come back in an hour, let's talk about what to do about Ukraine...