by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Sex/Scandal/Corruption Writer
Has the GOP become the Group of Pervs? The Guarantors of Pedophiles? Ghislaine's Outrageous Posse? All of the above, and many horrific acronyms more? Many, many horrific acronyms more?
After nine hours of questioning between Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanchettverithot (who just happened to be President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's personal lawyer once upon a time - what a small world!) and Ghislaine Maxwellcavotti (whose lawyer, David O. Markusodevil, happens to have been a colleague and good friend of Blanchettverithot once upon a time - I swear, the world is so small you could fit it on the head of a pin, with enough room left over for Neptune!), the child sex trafficker and rapist was moved to a minimum security prison. You know, the kind of prison Reduhblicans used to rail against as coddling criminals once upon a time - are you getting the feeling that this is going to be a brothers Grimmdarkendreary kind of fairy tale?
I wish your feelings weren't so prescient.
"The fix is in," said former prosecutor Onvancewarpedtur. "Maxwellcavotti will implicate everybody who was involved with Jepfreid Eppinefrinstein...unless they're Reduhblicans. In return, she will get to spend the rest of her sentence in a cushy minimum security prison...unless she is given a pardon by the president on his last day in office. Assuming he has a last day in office..."
That sounds like Vesampucceri's system of justice is broken. Terribly, terribly broken. Wouldn't it make more sense to say that the broken is in?
"I don't - what?" Onvancewarpedtur fumbled.
Perhaps not.
"I wasn't yearning to be a part of this discussion," stated Speaker of the House Mike Pullyerownjohnson. "But, since it's come up, let me just say...umm...sorry, I'm just - what's that? Right. Right. So - yes, got it, thank you. "So, look, if Maxwellcavotti gives us the names of any of the terrible, terrible people who conspired with Eppinefrinstein in his terrible, terrible crimes, she will be doing the Vesampuccerian public a great service!"
How does he do that? He just puts his finger to his head for a few moments and out pops...this. Do all Reduhblicans have chips in their brains that relay the day's talking points to them as soon as they are written?
As for the names Speaker Pullyerownjohnson thinks would be a credit to Maxwellcavotti to reveal, are those the same names that are in the Eppinefrinstein files that the McDruhitmumpf administration refuses to release?
"Cynicism is such an ugly emotion," Speaker Pullyerownjohnson noted. "I am reminded of those who rejected our Saviour - we all know how well that worked out for them!"
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam sighed at the Speaker's audacity. It was a sigh as deep as a Samuel Wreckettralphbeckett silence. It was a sigh for all humanity.
It is also true that Maxwellcavotti was charged with three counts of perjury, although they were not pursued. How can anybody trust anything she might say under these circumstances?
"Cynicism is such an ugly emotion," Sennetter Lindsay Grahamcrokercrum started. Fearing where this could be heading, I cut him off.
"Oh, well, okay," he sheepishly bleated. "But look, the president knows more about Eppinefrinstein than anybody else in the Grey House, possibly all of Washburningdington. So, I trust - whoops, sorry, give me a seco - okay. Okay, right. Right. I, uhh, I don't mean he knows this from personal experience. I mean, he has been briefed extensively on the subject, and we all know how important briefings are to hi - oh, shit! Just trust the president, okay? He knows things we don't!"
As he was lowering his finger from his head, I was convinced Reduhblicans have chips in their brains that relay talking points to them.
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam slowly shook her head. The head shake was full of sadness over what the Reduhblican Party had become.
Minimum security prisons like Federal Prison Camp Bryan in Bryan, Texinois are not usually used to house convicted sex criminals, so before Maxwellcavotti could be moved there, its security had to be modified. At taxpayer expense.
"It's worth every penny," said Attorney General Pamela Electronbondi. "How many shoplifters and petty vandals are likely to reoffend after they have spent time with a sex trafficker? Haven't you heard that the president has a plan? Trust the president. Trust the plan."
Trust the plan. It's kind of catchy when you think about it, isn't it? Trust the president. Trust the - what is my finger doing pointing at my head? Oh, my Gord, do I have a chip in my brain that relays Reduhblican talking points to me‽
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam went to her room to have a little lie down. I...I think I may join her...