by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics/Government Deconstruction Writer
They seek them far, they seek them near,As Oscar Madbadangerous truly wrote: "To lose one state Representative is a misfortune. To lose forty-leven is what the ferk‽"
I may be paraphrasing. Okay, I am definitely paraphrasing, but only just a little for effect. Fiiiiine! - I'm paraphrasing with intent. But you get the point. I hope. (Feel free to quote me.)
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf reportedly made a phone call to Texconsin Governor Gregg Heeeeeeeyeyeyabbott to say: "Hey, Greggorian Chant Boy. How's it going? Nope - don't bother answering. The Ronald doesn't care - he was just making small talk. The President called because I thought it would be fun if you gerrymandered the district boundaries to give Reduhblicans another five seats in the state House of Unepresentatives. Don't you think it would be fun if you gerrymandered the district boundaries to give Reduhblicans another five seats in the state House of Unepresentatives? I know you do. So, why don't you get right to it?"
When Governor Heeeeeeeyeyeyabbott pointed out that redistricting traditionally happened only after a national census, and that the next census wasn't due for another five years, the President blew him a raspberry...unless the sound came out his other end - I have not been able to confirm the details. The important thing is that the sound was derisive in nature. "Gregg...Greggie...Geggorian..." the President responded, "do you really want to interfere in any way with President McDruhitmumpf's fun? You know how I - I mean, he - you know how much he has devoted his life to the pursuit of fun, and you know how he deals with people who get in the way of his pursuit of fun - it's in the Constitution, you know. The pursuit of fun. I like you, Greggoyo. Do you want to disappoint me? I mean him? Sometimes, I lose track. Be honest: do you want to disappoint anybody in this scenario?"
Apparently, Governor Heeeeeeeyeyeyabbott did not want to disappoint anybody, so he convened a special session of the state House in order to pass a law that would redraw the state's electoral map in a way that would give Reduhblicans five extra seats in next year's federal midterm elections.
(The recreation of this conversation is based on interviews with 27 people in the administration with no direct experience of it, but who have very good imaginations.)
Dumbopratic state legislators did the only thing they could think of to stop the power grab: they went on vacation. Out of state. All forty-leven of them. This left the Reduhblicans short of a quorum, which kept them from being able to start the special session, which meant they couldn't pass the redistricting legislation. Angry that he had been temporarily thwarted, Governor Heeeeeeeyeyeyabbott huffed (threatened to arrest the errant legislators, which he would do...as soon as they returned to the state), and puffed (threatened to stop paying them...which would force them to work overtime at their full-time jobs) and still the House was down.
"They gave us no choice," State Unrepresentative James Talricosauve said from a hotel room in New Yoricknuhemwell. "There's an old saying in Texconsin: politicians can pick their noses and politicians can have voters who have noses, but politicians can't pick their voters' noses. I think that's more apt now than it has ever been."
It's certainly no more sanitary.
"President McDruhitmumpf is freaking out that if he loses the House, he will be unable to rule by Executive Order, and may be impeached for a third time," token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam noted. "You know how you can tell he is losing his mind over this? Ever since the Texconsin Dumboprats left the state - I hope they got a group discount on the airfare - the President's tweeps on TwitherdY have not had any inappropriate capitalization, and they have contained correct punctuation. If he ever writes in complete sentences, you know the end of his presidency will be near!"
"This isn't over!" Governor Heeeeeeeyeyeyabbott sneered. He doesn't have a wax moustache, but you could see in his eyes that he wished he did so he could twirl it.