The Daily Me - Eucalyptus Yoho

Thank you, Eucalyptus Yoho, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, give Donald Trump the Nobel Peace Prize, already! Maybe that will shut him up! No, give him two! One will only tie him with Barack Obama - he won't be satisfied unless he has more! Who cares why‽ Say it's because he successfully negotiated an end to the war between Wonderland and Discworld!

The things we have to do to get some peace in this world!

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

When His Restructuring Of The Country's Social Safety Net Was Complete, The Central Banker Retired To A Nice Bank In A Small European Country
Word Of His Career's Imminent Demise Had Been Greatly Exaggerated

A country scared of its much larger neighbour neared a central banker. "Do you want to get across the turbulent sea of the next couple of years?" the central banker asked. "Elect me Prime Minister. As long as you carry me across, I will steer the economy in your favour."

The country was skeptical. "How do I know that you won't abandon our commitment to helping the poorest among us in the middle of the stream?" it asked.

"Destroying your economy would doom me to never work again," the central banker assured the country. "You can't believe I would do that - it would be career suicide!"

Seeing the logic in what he had said, the country elected the central banker as Prime Minister. After a few months, the country felt the sting as he started cutting social programs.

"Why did you do that?" the country moaned. "Now we will both die!"

"Aww, quit yer whining," the central banker sneered. "You knew who I was before you elected me!"

SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler

[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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2a. Actually, It's Political Art
Obviously, It Got Drunk One Night And Snuck Back Into The Wrong Cultural Institution

Donald J. Trump
@realDonaldTrump

The Museums throughout Washington, but all over the Country are, essentially, the last remaining segment of "WOKE."1 The Smithsonian is OUT OF CONTROL,2 where everything discussed is how horrible our Country is,3 how bad Slavery was,4 and how unaccomplished the downtrodden have been5 - Nothing about Success, nothing about Brightness, nothing about the Future.6 We are not going to allow this to happen, and I have instructed my attorneys to go through the Museums, and start the exact same process that has been done with Colleges and Universities where tremendous progress has been made.7 This Country cannot be WOKE, because WOKE IS BROKE.8 We have the "HOTTEST" Country in the World, and we want people to talk about it, including our museums.9

NOTES

1. So, they shouldn't be open in the morning? Or are you saying they should open while all their employees are still asleep?
2. "In the exhibit about Washington crossing the Delaware, everybody in the canoe is naked! What the hell kind of history lesson is that‽"
3. Umm...don't know how to break this to you, but...
4. "Nobody remembers the little things any more, you know? Like the way children were given an hour to mourn when their parents were killed by a drunk slave owner, before returning to their work in the fields. But do plantation owners get any credit for their compassion?"
5. "I don't actually know any of the downtrodden - we don't travel in the same circles - but I'm sure they have accomplished great things."
6. "Why can't the Smithsonian be more like Disneyland?"
7. Progress returning to the eighteenth century isn't the flex you think it is Tex.
8. Would that make Republican tax cuts for the wealthy woke?
9. Oh, please! At 250, the country is 236 years too old for you!

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=1111&dir=bb]
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Intel Me No Secrets, I'll Intel You No Lies

cares for no 1) President Donald Trump has announced that the United States has taken a 10% interest in computer chip maker Intel, which is worth $11.1 billion. What is this called?
a) government bailing out a corporation that has been poorly managed a shrewd investment
b) government choosing winners and losers in the marketplace a fantastic way to keep chip manufacturing in the US
c) socialism a promise made, a promise fulfilled!

 always looks out for #1) Some American politicians, including the President, had been demanding CEO Lip-Bu Tan's resignation after raising natural security concerns about his past investments in Chinese companies while he was a venture capitalist. The President changed his tone after they met in the White House and came to this deal. What is this called? a) a shakedown a shrewd investment
b) another sellout to Chinese interests a fantastic way to keep chip manufacturing in the US
c) transactional politics without the pretense of an ethical core a promise made, a promise fulfilled!

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Katz Got Your Tongue? And Your Stomach? And Your Spleen? And Any Other Body Part That Might Take His Fancy?

According to Israeli Defence Minister Israel Katz, if Hamas does not release all of the hostages and completely disarm, "The gates of hell will soon open" in Gaza City.

Mahmoud Habbadi, a refugee from Rafah, responded, "Hell, hunh? That would make a nice change from what we've been living through. I look forward to the vacation!"

SOURCE: The Arad Post

[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1062498851085]
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It's Sad, Really, When, To Be Properly Understood, English Has To Be Translated Into English

When American journalists write "uncertainty has grown in recent days about Putin's commitment to Trump's peace-making-efforts as Russian officials raised objections about cornerstones of the nascent proposals on the negotiating table," what they really mean is: "American politicians are getting so fed up with Putin breaking promise after promise that they might soon be willing to admit that he has been playing them for suckers."

It's sad, really, when English has to be translated into English.

SOURCE: Wryerson X University Corporate Named University Journalism Review

[http://www.cnu.ca/cnurj/online/majunder-panjandrum1.html]
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That's Just A Side Benefit Of Protecting The Squirrels

Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth has announced that National Guard troops patrolling the streets of Washington will soon carry firearms.

Although he did not explain why, it is clear that the troops that have been feeding squirrels felt they needed to do more to protect the park perennials from cats. It is also possible that Guards who have been helping little old ladies across the street have been worried that the weapons they do have won't deter criminals from snatching the purses of the old ladies, and this is the DC without superheroes.

The White House has made it clear that the firearms have nothing to do with terrorizing the population into submission. Nope. Not that. Anything but that.

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2025Aug23.html]
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