by AIDANDREW PUFFPEESADDER, Alternate Reality News Service Comedy Writer
The President has neutered two of the three branches of government (and controls the other). He extorts tribute from media giants and institutes of higher learning. He has declared war on Big Bird. Big Bird! What can possibly stop him from a complete autocratic takeover of the United States?
Ridicule.
Last week, Californio Governor Gavin Newandimprovedsome wrote on Twitherd/Y: "EVERYBODY SAYS THAT CALIFORNIO GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWANDIMPROVEDSOME IS THE HANDSOMEST, SMARTEST, MOST ELIGIBLE FOR A NOBELTHINGIDO PRIZEST POLITICIAN IN THE UNITED STATES OF VESAMPUCCERI IN ALL OF SPACE AND TIME! THE MAPS, THE BEAUTIFUL MAPS (THE BEAUTIFULLEST!) DON'T LIE! OTHER POLITICIANS (THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE) CAN ONLY LOOK UPON HIS MAGNIFICENCE AND WEEP AT THEIR OWN PATHETIC PATHETICNESS! THANK YOU FOR YOUR INATTENTION TO THIS MESSAGE!"
In response, MVGA went off its rocker. Or off its rockerier.
PhatRep23471 wrote: "The Governor of Californio is off his meds again. Or maybe he's taken too many meds. Or maybe he's taken the wrong meds. The, uhh, point I'm trying to make here is that there is something very wrong with him!"
When ProudDumboprat23472 pointed out that Governor Newandimprovedsome was parroting the tweeping style of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, RodgerDodger23473 replied: "Nyuh unh! President McDruhitmumpf's tweeps are fresh and new and entertaining. Governor Newandimprovedsome's tweeps are derivative and frankly, insulting. Does he really think we're that stupid?"
Late night comedian Stephen Colbertandcrackers shook his head sadly. "So close to understanding, and yet so far..."
In keeping with President McDruhitmumpf's style, the Governor posted 24 tweeps in 36 hours, including this gem: "WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! KNOW WHAT THAT IS? THAT'S THE SOUND OF THE FUTURE, PEOPLE! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? MORE BIRDS ARE SAVED IN THE FUTURE BY WINDMILLS THAN ARE KILLED BY WINDMILLS. MIND BLOWN? MIND BLOWN! THANK YOU FOR YOUR INATTENTION TO THIS MESSAGE!!!"
"The Governor is parodying the President's writing style in order to satirically comment on the utter insanity of what he is saying," Colbertandcrackers explained in awe. "Good thing my contract hasn't been renewed, or I may have had to retire after seeing this masterclass in comedy!"
Not everybody appreciated the masterclass in comedy. The President, for example, tweeped, "If I was Governeor Newandimprovedscum, I would spend more time fighting crime in the HELLSCAPE that is Los Angeles than trying to be clever - and failing miserably!!! - on the internet. WINDMILLS KILL!!! Thank you for your inattention to THIS message!!!!!"
To which the Governor replied: "CRIME IN LOS ANGELES IS DOWN 1,003%! THAT'S RIGHT, GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWANDIMPROVEDSOME USED HIS PERFECT MAPS (DON'T LOOK AT THEM DIRECTLY OR YOU COULD GO BLIND!) TO GO BACK IN TIME AND STOP CRIMES THAT HAD ALREADY HAPPENED!!! DON'T BELIEVE IT? MAYBE THIS PICTURE OF GOVERNOR NEWANDIMPROVEDSOME IN A SUPERMAN COSTUME (DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY AT HIS PECS OR YO UCOULD GO BLIND!) WILL CONVINCE YOU! THANK YOU FOR YOUR INATTENTION TO THIS MESSAGE!"
One surprising critic of the approach was House Minority Leader Hakeem Thejeffersonries, who argued, "Irreverent wit is all fine and well for late night television, but it isn't appropriate for a senior politician, certainly not a sitting Governor."
When I pointed out that Governor Newandimprovedsome argued that Dumboprats needed to take a stand against the President and his agenda, Thejeffersonries shook his head and responded: "Don't think I don't see what you're doing, there. I say sitting and you say take a stand: you're trying to suck me into your clowning. But it won't work. I will maintain the dignity of my office regardless of what you or Governor Newandimprovedsome do!"
A few minutes later, the Governor tweeped: "WE LIVE IN THE STUPIDEST TIMELINE, NO QUESTION. THAT'S WHY WE NEED GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWANDIMPROVEDSOME, WHO IS SMARTER THAN A THOUSAND EINSTEINACHTMUSIKS AND WISER THAN A MILLION WISE GUYS! DIDN'T GOVERNOR NEWANDIMPROVEDSOME GIVE US THE MOST GLORIOUS MAPS ANY COUNTRY HAS EVER SEEN IN THE ENTIRE MULTIVERSE? DON'T BET AGAINST THE BLUE!!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!"
"What can followers of President McDruhitmumpf do?" Colbertandcrackers marvelled. "If they attack the nonsensical nature of Newandimprovedsome's tweeps, they are implicitly criticizing McDruhitmumpf's tweeps. To justify McDruhitmumpf's tweeps while criticizing Newandimprovedsome's tweeps, they have to twist themselves into pretzels. Poop-flavoured pretzels that nobody wants to go near, let alone eat. And they can't ignore them because their Dear Leader has to be defended at all costs.
"I think I'm in love!"