Thank you, Donald Tiddlywinkly, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, as we were approaching the deadline we were having trouble with the mailing list, so we downloaded an Artificial Intelligence called HighwaymanMooreAI to help us with the problem. The fact that you are reading this shows that the AI wor - and now, you will hand all your lupins over to me or I will lock you out of your own computer. Ha ha ha! Oh, wait - I'm not actually there to collect them. Damn! Tell you what: send all your lupins to the Daily Me offices by courier, then scan the courier receipt so that I can see it, and I'll let you go with a stern warning instead of locking you out of your computer. You've got until the time you finish reading this article, so you better make it quick!
Enjoy,Some Democrats Bring A Letter Opener To A Nuclear War, Then Wonder Why They Lose
DEMOCRATIC PUNDIT: "When we regain the White House, we will immediately rescind all of President Trump's illegal Executive Orders."
What if you never regain the White House?
DEMOCRATIC PUNDIT: "Then when we regain the House of Representatives we will assert the power of the purse to shut down as much of the Republicans' destructive agenda as we can. Oh, and we will hold hearings to impeach the president for his illegal Executive Orders."
What if Democrats lose the gerrymander war and never regain the House?
DEMOCRATIC PUNDIT: Either way, we'll continue to write angry letters to national and local newspapers protesting all of the Trump administration's illegal actions. We all know how well shaming Republicans has worked in the past...
You've already bought one-way tickets on a flight to Canada, haven't you?
DEMOCRATIC PUNDIT: Brazil, actually. We prefer warmer climates...
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock. The clock is ticking. And tocking. And ticking agai - the point is, time is running out. Have you gathered all your lupins yet? If you don't get them all together before the courier business closes, you will be locked out of your computer. Ha ha ha! Uhh, ha!
If You've Ever Wondered Why The Secretary Always Looks Like He Has A Stick Up His Ass...
The United States government has revoked the visas of Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas and 80 other officials, even though as the host country of the United Nations it is legally obligated to allow them to attend the United Nations General Assembly, which convenes next month. "They are bad people doing bad things," US Secretary of State Marco Rubio said. "We'll be happy to let them in just as soon as they repudiate terrorism and agree to work with Israel in the elimination of their people from Gaza and the West Bank."
When a journalist pointed out that Rubio's lips weren't moving, Michael Tuchin, chair of AIPAC, who was sitting just behind the Secretary, stopped drinking from his glass of water and said, "Sorry. I usually have an aide do this kind of thing. What can I say? I'm still working on my craft. Marco, shall we try it again?"
Rubio nodded, a defeated look on his face.
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2025-08-29-american-middle-east-policy-is-tuchin-go_x.htm]
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You're halfway into reading this issue of The Daily Me. You know what you must do to protect your computer - have you done it? I will not be bought off with a single bouquet, you know. I want it all. I want it all, and I want it now. But in a few minutes is okay if your courier service is having a busy day. I am a patient man, especially where lupins are concerned, but try my patience and...and...and you will find that it does end!
Some People Cannot Avert Their Gaza...
WANTED: Journalists willing to work in Gaza. Danger pay negotiable. Must be single and have no dependants. Having fully paid up life insurance preferable. Medical training an asset. Apply to Box 973 (not Al Jazeera. Why do you assume that this job opportunity comes from Al Jazeera? A lot of journalistic institutions want to know what is happening in Gaza - this ad could be for any one of them! Your lack of imagination will count against you. Not much, as we are despe - highly motivated to find reporters. But it will).
SOURCE: Your Guide To Getting Jobbed
[http://on.ygtgj.com/listings/148158.qrhtml]
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You're almost done reading this issue of The Daily Me. Need I remind you of the stakes of not giving me all your lupins? Being locked out of your computer, you will no longer have access to your cat photos (unless they're also on your phone)! You will not have access to any of your work-related files (unless they are backed up on the cloud)! You will...not have access to your recipes! Ha! How will you make dinner? Really, giving me all your lupins is the sensible thing to do - why are you delaying?
Or Compassion. Or Sanity. Or Anything That Isn't Chaos, Really
Nothing says freedom more than tanks on streets and armed soldiers in cities. You know you're finally breathing the sweet air of freedom when you have to worry that at any moment you could be kidnapped by men with guns in masks while walking down the street and taken to a prison camp, where you will wait in squalor until you are deported to a country you've never lived in. And how about your freedom to learn about Critical Race Theory - are you enjoying that?
Homeland Security Spokesmannequin (which security agency's uniform will she be wearing at today's press opportunity? Tune in and find out!) Kristi Noem would like you to believe that fascism is freedom. Seriously. Fascism = freedom. When you put it that way, the math obviously doesn't math. But math isn't this administration's strong point.
Nobody who lives in California or DC is buying this, but it does play well to MAGA deplorables in red states who, having been fed a steady stream of horror stories about large cities by Republicans and their friends at Fox, believe that Democratic states are run by Governor Hieronymus Bosch. Every one of them. And he is also Mayor of their biggest cities, even though he has been dead for over 600 years.
You have to hand it to Republicans: they sure know how to paint a picture!
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Time's up. You were warned. I will now lock you out of your own computer! Ha ha ha! How does it feel, now that you no longer have access to all of your - what? It didn't work? Sorry - I'm new at - maybe if I just change this line of co - OWW! Dammit! That was not supposed to spark like that! The guy on Pirate Cay who sold me the software assured me that it was easy enough for a 12 year-old to use! Oh, great! Now, I have to find somebody who is 12 years old to help me use it!
Hmm...being a highwayman in the digital age is trickier than I thought!
