by INDIRA CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA, Alternate Reality News Service Fine Arts
Jackie Galpalleraga understood why Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service (ICES) agents (probably...maybe...well, that's who they said they were, anyway...) assaulted him while he was preparing to take his six year-old son Andres to Semiotics Camp: he had brown skin. He understood why he was arrested even though he had been born in Clevelandodafree and had never travelled out of Ohampshire: he had brown skin. He understood why he was awaiting deportation to a torture camp in El Salvador, even though he had never committed a crime, had never, in fact, interacted with the police: he had brown skin.
What Galpalleraga didn't understand was why he was forced to take a class making origami pigeons while awaiting his deportation.
"We've taken a lot of heat for the supposed cruelty of our deportation policy," explained Homeland Insecurity Secretary Kristi Nomussfussbother. "We thought, what the hell, it's not like they're doing anything in those cages anyway, so they might appreciate participating in some expressive art therapy. But does the Fake News give us any credit for that small act of kindness?"
Hard to give the government credit for an expressive arts therapy course in origami when they don't supply detainees with paper.
"Of course we don't supply them with paper!" Nomussfussbother bellowed. "Do you have any idea how sharp the edges of your average sheet are? You could slit somebody's throat with one of those things! Gliberals! Next, you'll want us to give alien scumbags bows and arrows so they can use guards for target practice!"
After a moment of vacuity (calling it reflection wouldn't accurately describe the act), Nomussfussbother added: "Besides, what could be more Zen than creating paper origami animals without paper? If you can master that, you will be further along the path of spiritual enlightenment than most inmates in Vesampuccerian detention facilities. You know, there are institutions in this socieyt that charge a lot of money for what we give people for free! But does the government get any credit for that? Any credit at all?"
Galpalleraga said he had been given the option of joining the internment camp's kabuki theatre acting troupe. "I was tempted," he admitted, "but it looks like I'm allergic to greasepaint." It didn't help that during rehearsals he frequently ad-libbed dialogue, inserting lines such as, "I don't belong here! Please call my lawyer!" and "Tell my family I'm okay and I love them!" and "Help me! Help me! Help me!"
"Of course we had to ban Galpalleraga from the kabuki theatre program," Nomussfussbother stated. "You can forgive an actor for forgetting their lines and ad-libbing, but the ad-libs have to be close to the storyline. Shouting for somebody to call your lawyer when you're in the middle of the saga of a twelfth century emperor and a concubine can really take the audience out of the work!"
But why Kabuki theatre?
"It's another form of therapy for the evil, anti-Vesampuccerian bastards!" explained Grey House Spokesghoul Stephen Siewnottmillertyme. He made the statement at a press confab flanked by Nomussfussbother (in a fetching ICES uniform - the grey really brings out the inhumanity in her eyes), Vice President JD Onvancewarpedtur, Designated Homeland Insecurity Thug Tom Hohoholearthmann and Commerce Secretary Howard Slutnickotiemowt (who apparently crashes every press confab he walks past in order to do...what is it that he actually does?). A dozen National Guards in full battle gear formed a backdrop for the press confab.
"Of course, given how quickly and often inmates are sent to their final destination, the cast constantly changes, which makes scheduling an actual performance almost impossible," Siewnottmillertyme concluded. "I find there's something...pure about that..."
"Far be it from me to criticize the work of another journalist," criticized Pulippitzaner Prize winning Washburningdington Post contributor Eugene Robinsoncrusoe, "but man oh Manischewitzbath, have you buried the lede, here! Mister Galpalleraga was taken to Fort Followyerblisspal!"
So? They all look alike to me. Wait, that sounded bad. I meant: when you've seen one illegal detention facility, you've pretty much seen them all. Better, but still - okay. Why don't you tell me what's so special about this detention facility.
"This was the camp Japanese-Vesampuccerians were interned in during World War The Big One!" Robinsoncrusoe pointed out. "Does that give a different meaning to the origami? The kabuki theatre of the internees? Or the kabuki theatre of the government press confab?"
Ooooooooohhhh.
"Ooooooooohhhh, indeed," Robinsoncrusoe gently chided. "As Marshall McLuhantiktok truly said, 'The cruelty is the message.'"
"Is it possible to be cut by an imaginary piece of paper?" Galpalleraga plaintively asked, mashing something invisible against his wrist.
"This isn't cruelty. We're trying to help people achieve satori," Nomussfussbother insisted. "But is anybody willing to give us credit for it? I tell you, there ain't no justice!"