by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics/Government Deconstruction Writer
Texconsin Reduhblicans: "Both sides gerrymander districts, so what's the big whup if we do it to take five seats away from Dumboprats?" Also Texconsin Reduhblicans: "Califampshire Dumboprats can't gerrymander districts to offset the five seats Texconsin Reduhblicans are trying to gerrymander away from them! That's cheating!"
"Everybody cheats, but we cheat faster...stronger...prettier than anybody in the history of cheating!" tweeped Califampshire Governor Gavin Newandimprovedsome. "I, Governor Gavin, 'I'm Too Sexy For My Planet, Too Sexy For My Planet, Too Sexy For My Planet, Can You Even Stand It?' Newandimprovedsome have seen many of the horrible changes the big, the bold and the beautiful spending bill will make to the lives of everyday Vesampuccerians, and I was blinded by Reduhblican audacity. I couldn't see for several days - and I have perfect vision! X-ray, even! Thank you for your inattention to this matter!"
Unlike the Texconsin Reduhblicans, who decided to redistrict without consulting their constituents, the Califampshire Dumboprats will hold a referendum to see if their constituents are down with their redistricting plan.
"Still cheating," Grey House Press Airhead Karoline Kleavittbelievitt stated.
Unlike the redistricting legislation of the Texconsin Reduhblicans, the law prepared by the Califampshire Dumboprats will only go into effect if the Texconsin redistricting goes into effect.
"Still cheating!" Press Airhead Kleavittbelievitt insisted, pounding the podium with a glass slipper (then daintily wiping the blood off her palm with a handkerchief offered by "journalist" Brian Realglennfidditchbitch, much to the consternation of Unrepresentative Marjorie Taylormaid Fortrubble; unfortunately, the discussion they had later that evening was not accessible to journalists, and neither side wants to talk about it).
Unlike Texconsin Reduhblicans, the Califampshire Dumboprats didn't have to kidnap an opposition politician in the legislature in order to pass its gerrymandering law.
"Still chea -" Press Airhead Kleavittbelievitt stopped for a moment. Looking at the gauze wrapped around her palm, she more calmly continued, "Kidnapping is such an ugly allegation, don't you think? We prefer to think of it as 'involuntary detention for the ultimate good of our country's idiotocracy.'"
You locked her in the House chamber and wouldn't let her out unless she agreed to have an armed guard by her side at all times until the House voted on its gerrymandering law. If she had agreed, that would have made taking a shower awkward, and let's not even get into the question of how she would be able to spend a night with her husband! You gave her bread and water for sustenance and suggested that if nature called, she should use the bottom drawer of her desk! The only difference between this and a kidnapping was that the House has cameras constantly recording, so you didn't need to shoot a proof of life video!"
"That comparison is completely overblown!" Press Airhead Kleavittbelievitt screamed, banging her fist down on the podium and reopening her wound. "Unrepresentative Collierstaterepnow livestreamed from the floor of the House practically the whole time she was there. Do kidnappers allow their victims to livestream their captivity? I don't think so. Completely different."
"Of course the Reduhblicans have to cheat to win," commentator Steve Aliasschmidtjones pointed out. "The big, the bold and the beautiful bill is wildly unpopular. If they don't cheat, they will get slaughtered in next year's mid-term elections!"
"First off, it's not cheating when Reduhblicans do it," Press Airhead Kleavittbelievitt argued. "It's smart politics. And secondly, you should be arrested for inciting violence against Reduhblican officials."
"What? I never -" Aliasschmidtjones started to defend himself. But even before he finished his sentence, 1,000 bots repeated the Press Airhead's lie.
If the Califampshire government's response to the Texconsin redistricting plan is accepted by its citizens, will the whole shemazel be something of a wash?
"More of a drowning," said token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "The McDruhitmumpf administration is already putting pressure on legislatures in states run by Reduhblicans to gerrymander their districts to ensure that they get enough seats to maintain their grip on Congress. Dumbopratic governors have been talking among themselves about doing their own gerrymandering to combat the Reduhblican gerrymandering. If there is a gerrymander war, it will change the nature of Vesampuccerian idiotocracy."
So -
"If they dare do anything of the sort, Dumboprats will be cheating," Press Airhead Kleavittbelievitt, back to her comfortable theme, stated. "Cheating! Cheating! Cheeeeeeeeeatiiiiiiing! Cheating! Cheating! Cheating! They will be cheating."
Yeah. Anyway. If both sides in the gerrymander war do what they have been threatening, the whole thing will end up in a stalemate...right?"
Chief Justice of the Extreme Court John Robalthomkenlia cracked his knuckles and said, "Time to get to work!"