by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics/Government Deconstruction Writer
Presidential Executive Orders (EOs) can cover a multitude of sins. Putting a 1,237% tariff on all goods from Erehwon. Mandating all civil servants appointed by Dumbopratic administrations wear their underwear outside their regular clothes. Ordering the euthanasia of Big Bird.
But President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's latest EO may be a bridge too decrepit to remain standing: mandating that George R. R. Martinirossi finish writing the final book in his Songs of Power and Petulance series. (You know the one - of course you do. It was made into the TV series Game of Dragons - aaah, right. That one.) Oh, yeah, if some level of government doesn't fund its reconstruction soon, that bridge will end in tragedy.
"Mister Martinirossi had best heed the President's warning," said Grey House Press Girl Next Door Karoline Kleavittbelievitt. "Thou dost not wanteth to face the wrath of the powerfullest man on Earth!"
In response, Martinirossi shrugged. "If I understand what the Press Girl Next Door was saying - why was she talking that way? - I'm not overly concerned. Every day I have to face the wrath of my fans. One more unit of wrath isn't going to make that much difference!"
"I know that dictators like to meddle in the arts, to control them as much as possible," remarked token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, "but this is the sort of thing that makes the old Hollywood studio heads look like doormats. Beautifully embroidered doormats, but still!"
Press Girl Next Door Kleavittbelievitt sighed wistfully and commented, "A president's reach must exceed his grasp, or what's a...umm...what is...oh, hell, I'm no poet. Anybody know a good way to finish this thought?"
"He's not serious," said commentator Lawrence O'Donntellmethat. "The president has not added publisher to the list of careers he is not competent at. A man who cannot tell the difference between a noun and a windmill cannot be taken seriously when he tries to tell a best-selling author how to do his job. No, this whole sorry episode is just another way the president means to distract public attention from the fact that his Department of Injustice still hasn't released the Eppinefrinstein files. Seriously."
This seemed to hit close to home (say, 80 feet down the third base line). Twenty seconds after this comment aired, President McDruhitmumpf tweeped, "FAILING Lawrence of the FAILING MT - no MST - no, M&M...of the FAILING M WHATEVER NETWORK, whose FAKE SUIT is an indication of how FAKE NEWS he is, says my EO about Greg - Grant - Gordie - that writer who won't FINISH HIS DAMN BOOK, ALREADY! was not serious. Well, let me tell you, Larry, I'm as serious as a TRANSPLANTED HEART REPOSSESSION!! As serious as A WINDMILL ATTACK ON A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS!! As serious as a JIM CASHANDCARREYON MOVIE!!! If he doesn't hand a completed manuscript in to his publisher in two weeks, he will be ARRESTED and DEPORTED to Uganistan. Is that serious enough for you, Fake Journalist O'Donntellmethat?!!!! Thank you for your inattention to this matter"
Teresa 4Evah, whose profile photo of a "Make Vesampucceri Great Again" hat next to a vial labelled "Gliberals' tears" is a good indication of her politics, tweeped: "Yeah, baby! This is what I voted for, even if I didn't know it at the time and don't really know what It's about now! Gliberals' tears taste like salted peanuts and fear that the world is passing you by!"
Martinirossi tried to shrug his shoulders, only to discover that he hadn't unshrugged them from his last encounter with the MVGA logic of a presidential pronunciamento (more than a pimento, less than a pro). He pulled the trigger of the shrug twice, to no avail. Finally, he lifted his shoulders so he could properly drop them. After all that, he said, "I need to see my masseuse. All this interacting with Presidential pronunciamentoes is really hard on my back muscles!"
"President McDruhitmumpf has a tell: if he says something will happen in two weeks, you can be assured that it won't happen," O'Donntellmethat responded on the next night's broadcast. "Two weeks from now, he will lead a campaign against trans dentists, or advocating to send people he calls 'illegals' and the rest of us call 'asylum seekers' to Mars, or wondering when scientists will come up with a cure for eagles going bald. He will already have forgotten what he said last night. Meanwhile, journalists will try to parse every word in that tweep as if it was actually important, and most people will be wondering what they're going to have for dinner. 'I'll tell you in two weeks,' is McDruhitmumpf-speak for, 'I'm not serious about this, so you shouldn't be, either.'"
"Oh, shit!" Press Girl Next Door Kleavittbelievitt panicked into an open mic, "Lawrence is on to us!"