by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
They say the government will kill you, but they never say when. Fortunately, Vegas bookmakers are willing to take that bet, placing the odds at 9-5 that the government will kill you within the next five years. Smart money is investing in a good life insurance policy; stupid money is blowing its life savings in the previously mentioned gambling mecca. Or, it could be the other way around - causes and effects can be very confusing these days.
It's not that Health and Human Disservices Secretary Robert F. Kennebunkedy, Jr. fired all the senior medical researchers at the Centers for Disease Control and replaced them with bots whose answer to any health-related question is "castor oil and heroin."
It's not that Junior's HHD releases reports "proving" the COVID vaccine was responsible for the spread of AIDS in the 1980s, the spread of Communism in the 1950s and antifa, and therefore should be avoided like the Plague (which, now that you mention it, was spread by the COVID vaccine in the 1430s), reports that are riddled with errors any grade eight biology student would recognize (largely because they failed the mid-term by choosing the same errors - when in doubt, always choose c) their ass!) and citations that only exist in medical journals in...The Twilight Zone.
It's not that the Big, the Bold and the Beautiful bill will not only throw millions of Vesampuccerians off their health care and force the closure of many rural hospitals in some of the poorest places in the country.
No, IT'S ALL OF THOSE THINGS! AND MORE! SO MANY MORE THINGS! HORRIBLE HORRIBLE THINGS!
"Doctors? Pfft - what do they know?" Grey House spokesmodel Karoline Kleavittbelievitt asked, tossing her hair in such a fetching manner that all of the social media influencers in the room swooned. "Secretary Kennebunkedy - who, by the way, is only junior as an accident of birth - he's prime grade-A Vesmpuccerian male, believe me - has a plan to Make Vesampucceri Healthy Again. Live the plan. Love the plan. Trust, if I may appropriate a phrase, the plan."
MVHA? Why does that sound like the beginning of an evil villain's laugh?
"Vesampuccerians need to live simple lives, free from the poisons of vaccines, processed sugars and, umm, bad ideas," Secretary Kennebunkedy claimed.
But won't such a regimen lead to massive amounts of death?
"Only for those who are not genetically fit to survive," Secretary Kennebunkedy said as breezily as if he was asking a servant to pass him a buttered scone (emphasis on the "oh!").
Ah, that's why MVHA sounds like the beginning of an evil villain's laugh.
"And let us not forget," chimed in Grey House spokesghoul Stephen Siewnottmillertyme, "that whites are genetically superior to every other race - and France - so our mortality rate won't be nearly as bad as everybody else's!"
That was a gentle reminder that there is no horrific scenario that cannot be made worse by the injection of a little Stephen Siewnottmillertyme into its discourse. Gentle for him, anyway.
"You know 'germ theory?'" asked token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam.
The theory that germs cause diseases?
"Yeah, that," the token smart person stated. "Kennebunkedy doesn't believe in it. He believes that if you do all the right things - you know, be born into the right family, take the right addictive drugs, then beat them, have the right worm burrow into your brain and die there, then you'll live to be 180. If you don't do these things, well, you're just not fit to live. He calls this 'miasma theory.'"
It was hard to miss the way she spookily waggled her fingers and waved her hands in the air in her voice.
"This dovetails nicely with the Reduhblican agenda to gut social programs," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam continued. "If you choose to have the wrong worm burrow into your brain and die, why should the taxpayer be on the hook to keep you alive? There's a word for this philosophy."
Inhumane? I suggested.
There was a pause on the line. A long pause. Like, seven chapters of War and Pizza long. Eventually, I heard the token smart person shout, "Arnie [token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam's common-law partner Arnie Bamshitshotshutshe]! Do you still have your Canadian passport? We need to get out of this country before we come down with the stupid!"