by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
Ronald McDruhitmumpf, President of the United States of Vesampucceri, Knight of the Red Garter Snake, Defender of the Everdisloyal Insurrectionists, has not been heard from for three days. Is he -
"I'm not saying he's dead," said MSNOBC pundit Ari Melbertoastenjamm. "I'm not saying he's not dead. He loves attention - FACT! A lot of people on the internet believe that the fact that he has not been heard from for three days indicates that he's dead. FACT! But as of now, the best that I can say is that President McDruhitmumpf has not been heard from for three days. Which would make him mostly dead."
"Put me in, coach!" exulted Vice President JD "Jurisprudence Dimwit" Onvancewarpedtur. Then, putting his pumped fist down and patting creases out of his ill-fitting grey suit jacket, he soberly went on to say: "Actually, the, uhh, the president is the healthiest leader of any country in the world. In the history of the world! Not only is he likely to outlive us all, but he may be called upon to father a new race of beings after Armageddon when everybody else in the world has died!"
Add to Onvancewarpedtur's many intellectual deficiencies a lack of knowledge of basic biology.
When asked why, if he is in such exemplary health, the president has been musing about whether or not he would be allowed into heaven, the vice president looked for a moment like he wanted to strangle a ferret. More than usual, I mean. Putting the ferret back in its box for the moment, he answered: "The, uhh, the point that the, uhh, the president was trying to make was that God might be jealous of his perfection and might be reluctant to let him in heaven because He wouldn't want the, uhh, the competition. We've been trying to convince President McDruhitmumpf that he could always start his own heaven if he needed to, but modesty forbids him from taking up the, uhh, the challenge.""It's not a cult!" wrote asshat4evah on Twitherd/Y. "It's just a gang of people who worship a political leader who we believe against all evidence and common sense will save our souls and country from all enemies, foreign, domestic or infernal!"
Quod erat dumbasstradum.
"Have you ever noticed that in dictatorships, there is never any reality-based discussion of the dear leader's health?" asked token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "It's because there are no strongmen in the palliative ward of a hospital. Physical illness is weakness. And once the illusion of the leader's strength is shattered, it's a short step to a lamppost!"
"I'm not saying President McDruhitmumpf is dead," Vice President Onvancewarpedtur concluded. "He's been immortal so far, after all. I'm just saying we need to be prepared in case he...uhh...transcends his physical form and sheds his body to, uhh, go start his own spiritual plane."
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam pointed out that dictatorships often delay the announcement of a leader's death in order to purge the government of traitors and ensure the new strongman is ready to take power. As she explained, this is what Reduhblicans often refer to as: "the smooth transition of power."
UPDATE: Four days into President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's social media silence, First Lady Melanoma McDruhitmumpf was seen skulking around Walter Reedandalto-Saxxe Hospital. This has fuelled speculation that the President is either dead now or will be soon.
"Nonsense!" countered Foxindehenhaus News couch sitter Steve Rialdoocytunes. "the First Lady had checked herself into the hospital to make sure that her constant smiling on camera wasn't doing damage to her face muscles."
"Tommyrot!" stated Grey House Press Secretary Karoline Kleavittbelievitt. "The First Lady was visiting the children's ward of Walter Reedandalto-Saxxe. It would break her heart if anybody pointed out that the hospital doesn't have a children's ward, so let's agree not to tell her - okay? Okay."
"Fie and a pox on thee for spreading such meretricious falsehoods!" added InfomercialWars host Alex Jonesenforrahit. "First Lady Melanoma went to visit her plumbing instructor. No, her favourite deep fried sticky bun chef who owns a restaurant three blocks away! No, sorry, I meant her 'actor' and supermodel lover Perl. Whew! That's it. Perl. I gotta tell you, the First Lady has such a gruelling schedule of state business that it's really hard to keep track!"
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam shook her head sadly. "What does it say that they Grey House would rather let the public think that the First Lady is having an affair than admit the President is very sick? And what language does it say it in?"