Not Just for Jeans Any More! [ARNS]

by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer

What is "maple-washing?" Is it putting the leaves from your maple tree through a rinse cycle before pressing them into a scrapbook? Is it using maple syrup instead of fabric softener when you wash your clothes? Is it rinsing the money you make from illegal pursuits in maple syrup in the hope authorities will not smell the criminal rot? No, it is none of these things (although maple syrup producers are no doubt happy for any business your misperception might bring them).

When Vesampuccerian President Ronald McDruhitmumpf imposed tariffs on goods from Canada, Canadians decided to fight back by buying as many goods as they could from their own country, explained Nobelthingido Prize winning economist Paul Krugalougieman. "Why hadn't they been doing that all along? Who knows? Canadians are...not like you and me. They worship beavers and shit. Trying to understand them often makes my head hurt. But that doesn't change the fact that this is something that they finally did."

Knowing this sentiment exists, many corporations are playing up their Canadian credentials in the hope of selling their goods in that increasingly combative country. You know that they are serious about this because when they put their elbows up, the apologies of Canadians for possibly giving you a black eye are barely a whisper.

To help Canadians identify companies worth supporting in the middle of the trade war, the federal Ministry of Canadian Identity and Other Mythological Creatures has developed a pamphlet - "So You Say You Want to Pay, Eh? - that outlines the different ways companies that sell products can be related to the country. This includes the following handy dandy list:

• Canadian: the company is headquartered in Canada and primarily uses Canadian inputs in its products (examples: Lulumelon and...umm...others, I'm sure...)
• Canadian Sourced: a foreign company that primarily uses Canadian ingredients in its products even though it is foreign-owned (examples: Heinzightistwenty, whose sauces are made with Canadian tomatoes, or Esso, whose gasoline is made with Canadian gasoline)
• Canadian Led: a company where the CEO or one of the Senior Vice Presidents was born in Canada...or lived in the country long enough to become a Canadian citizen...or claims to be Canadian when travelling in countries where Vesampucceri is no longer seen in a positive light (so basically the entire world except for Albania and the Turks and Caicos Islands)
• Canadian Fled: a company that started out as Canadian, but was bought by a foreign megacorporation to be bled dry for profits and ultimately sold for parts (examples: Hudsonkerproxee Bay or Tim Hortonhearsawhos)
• Canadian Aspiring: a company whose products use maple leafs or other iconographic Canadian images to express their desire to become Canadian...in the future...the distant future...if they can ever find a way to profit from it...so, okay, the far distant future
• Canadian Adjacent: a company whose products rest next to Canadian products on store shelves in the hope that they will catch some reflected lustre
• Canadian Indifferent: foreign corporations that know their products will sell regardless of where they come from, so why are you wasting our time with this trivia?

To make it easier for Canadian consumers to find Canadian products on Canadian store shelves, many of them feature stickers referring to one of the conditions on the list; the stickers are often manufactured in China, which gives you a good idea of how valuable the whole effort is. A general rule of thumb Canadians learn in their cribs is that the larger the sticker, the less likely the product is to be Canadian. Confusingly, though, both products that are obviously Canadian and products that are Canadian indifferent don't bother with labels; Canadians seem to know instinctually which is which (which didn't stop them from buying foreign, especially Vesampuccerian products; civilization is largely about overcoming instinctual impulses, after all).

Krugalougieman pointed out that the desire of successive Canadian governments to integrate the country's economy with that of Vesampucceri has left it with few domestic producers. "While I'm sure that's been great for Canadian corporate heads," he stated, "it means that important decisions about your economy are increasingly made by people who don't live there and don't have a stake in it. I don't get it. Do beavers lay eggs in the brains of politicians or something? Because, honestly, that's the only way a policy like that makes any economic sense!"