by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War Writer
On a screen in the Octagon, a white triangle bobs on a sea of grey. The effect is soothing, almost hypnotic, at least until there is an abrupt explosion of white light. After all eyes in the room have adjusted, the triangle appears to be engulfed in flames. Which would make it a death triangle. Which sounds like the title of an Indiana Jonesenforrahit movie. Hey, Givemenoschpielberg! Have your people call my people!
Someone in the Octagon (who asked for anonymity on account of an acute case of cowardice) said that everybody in the room where the white triangle's destruction had just been screened put up their hands so that Secretary of Offence Pete Hedaiggsethative could give them a high five. This is apparently not an uncommon event at the Octagon. Secretary Hedaiggsethative asked for high fives when he implemented racist hiring policies in the military. He insisted on high fives when he forced all trans people out of service, He demanded high fives when his youngest child lost a tooth. The Chiefs of Staff of the Joint now wear gloves whenever they are called to meetings with him, and the Octagon budget for hand lotion has skyrocketed under his leadership.
The Secretary of Offence claimed in a press release that what looked like a boat fishing in international waters actually contained 11 members of the Venezuelan drug cartel Trendy Arugula. When he was asked what proof he had to make such an assertion, Secretary Hedaiggsethative replied, "I know the men on that boat were cartel members because cartel members were the men on that boat."
When a journalist pointed out that that was a tautology, Secretary Hedaiggsethative angrily replied, "I haven't had a drink since I took the oaf of office! Not that a tautology doesn't sound delicious - I'll have to look up the recipe after this presser. Umm, I mean, next question. Next question!"
After a question about how brilliant the Secretary's strategy of "force, not Boris," was, and another question that was really a monologue about how brilliant the Secretary's strategy of "bloodletting, not judicial pardon getting" was and how his rhymes made the Vesampuccerian military the fiercest fighting force the world had ever known, somebody had the poor taste to ask what legal authority the Secretary had used to authorize the attack on the boat.
"First: it wasn't an attack, it was a raid," Secretary Hedaiggsethative asserted. "Second: we did it because drugs are killing our children in their cradles in high school, and I will do everything in my power to stop it!"
When the journalist pointed out that authority usually comes in the form of a law, Secretary Hedaiggsethative didn't miss a beat: "Of course, I was referring to the law that drugs are killing our children and I will do everything in my power to stop it!"
On TwitherdY, @RandWasRightAboutEverything11123 wrote: "YES! Drug cartel scum have been put on notice that any time they are out innocently fishing in international waters, they could be turned into burny pixels on my computer screen! THIS IS WHAT I VOTED FOR! More times than I can count!"
To which @anarchitectaryan responded: "Eleven people were killed without the slightest shred of evidence that they had committed any crime, much less one that invited the death penalty. Nor, apparently, did the government have the legal authority to carry out the act. With this precedent, the government could accuse your Aunt Trudy of being a drug cartel member and drop bombs on her house! Do you have any idea what this would do to property values in the neighbourhood?!"
To which @RandWasRightAboutEverything11123 reresponded: "Aunt Trudy was only convicted of a misdemeanour and sentenced to six months community service! She doesn't deserve a death sentence...that anybody knows of, or certainly that has been proven beyond a reasonable doubt in a court of law!"
To which @whutIvoted4 jumped in to rererespond: "As usual, Dumboprats protect the vicious drug dealing scum who are destroying our country! The rot in their party is so deep, it comes out the other side of the Earth in China!"
@whutIvoted4 raised his hand. So far, there has been no report that Secretary Hedaiggsethative visited him in his basement room to give him a high five, but when it comes to avoiding an international war that could go nuclear, we all live in hope.