by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime Writer
Pacing back and forth on a stage in front of his "Prove Me Duh" booth, Right-wing pundit Charlie Kirkindagonads was giving a lecture to 3,000 students at the University of Utaii. He had just got to the part of his presentation where he says, "We have to accept some gun deaths every single year so that we can have the Second Amendment to protect our other God-given rights," when he was shot through the neck and died.
Some duh was definitely proven that day.
Three seconds after Kirkindagonads' death, a thousand tweeps blaming Dumboprats had flooded Twitherd/Y. Typical was the tweep written by @jeremyindahoodie: "political violence has no place in Vesampucceri. that's why we need to hunt down all the radical Marxist, leftist, communist wokers of the world and RUTHLESSLY EXTERMINATE THEM!!!#!!!"
Five seconds after Kirkindagonads' death, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf tweeped: "In honor of Charlie Kirkindagonads, a truly Great American Patriot and the best Adolph von Hitlerskitler impressionist I ever met, I am declaring September 10 Charlie Day. On that day, parents will be encouraged to buy their children Charlie Patriot wind-up dolls that say things like 'Slavery was bad and evil and stuff, but Blacks committed less crimes!' and 'God's perfect law says gay people should be stoned to death. You really wanna argue with God?' The day will be marked with symposia on the evils of woke Dumboprats and repeated listenings of Charlie's podcasts. At night, we will celebrate with Tiki torch parades. Won't that BE FUN!!!"
This gave Reduhblicans the opening they needed to comment on the death. "When are Dumboprats going to stand up and apologize for the hatred and the lies they have spread that led to this?" Senator MarkWayneBillyBob McMullanandwyffe told a NewsMin anchorgandist 10 seconds after Kirkindagonads' death. "They call us Nazis and a threat to Idiotocracy, we deport their supporters and send the military to their cities in defiance of the law. Do you see the asymmetry, here? Their rhetoric is clearly responsible for this senseless tragedy."
Twenty seconds after Kirkindagonads' death, the conspiracists came out of the woodwork (in which they had chewed oddly hypnotic fractals). Mike of Mike's Ultimate Conspiracy Page, for example, wrote about the multiple videos that showed the murder: "...if you do the math, different videos show that the bullet entered Kirkindagonads' neck at different angles. I failed trig in high school, but my grandson tells me that the math checks out, and he's the brilliant one in the family. So, are we expected to believe that there was some kind of magic bullet that can appear to take several different trajectories all at the same time? I call this 'quantum bullet theory.' And it's bullshit!"
"As usual, Mike only gets part of the story," responded Frank on Frank's Fourth In Line To Be The Ultimate Conspiracy Page. "To explain multiple bullet trajectories, there must have been multiple shooters. There isn't a grassy knoll on the UVU campus, but there are plenty of office of admissions buildings that could have given additional shooters cover. The truth is out there!"
"I agree with Mike and Frank," agreed Gerald on Gerald's Next To Penultimate Conspiracy Page. "But does the official account of Charlie Kirkindagonads' death mention any of this? The Fixx is in! The cover-up started before Charlie was even killed! But I will continue to report on the rumours until we get to the bottom of this. The truth is out there! Waaaaaaaay out there!"
"Umm yeah, so, you know that it's barely been 30 seconds since Charlie Kirkindagonads was killed, right?" token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, somewhat distracted by her cat Bubbles Intifado playing with a strand of rainbow-coloured yarn, stated. "The cops haven't arrived at the scene - did anybody who posted an opinion on the murder even think to call them? The shooter has disappeared and nobody knows - no, Bubbles I! Don't swallow that! - nobody knows who they are. People should probably wait for the results of the investigation before they start apportioning blame."
Bob of Bob's Penultimate Conspiracy Page shook his head sadly as he wrote: "Where did Amy get her token smart person degree from? A crackerjack box? Because that's not how the world works. If you wait for the results of an investigation to apportion the blame, it will be too late! You have to apportion the blame before the DEEP DISH STATE gets to write the Official History!"
The investigation is ongoing. Or, at least, it will be once it gets started...