by INDIRA CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA, Alternate Reality News Service Fine Arts/Literature Writer
One wondrous aspect of being in a cult (if, by "wondrous" you mean "utterly baffling to your enemies in a scarily demented way") is that the world is full of signs only you and the other members know the meaning of.
That red road sign doesn't mean "stop the forward motion of your vehicle to allow other vehicles that got to the intersection before you to go," it means "Stop believing the Deep Dish State lackeys of the media! Why do you THINK people are afraid of needles?" The chalk marks on the sidewalk aren't a children's game, they're a map that will help you find the Maltese Falcon. That fist coming at your face isn't a sign of imminent pain, it means you've won the argument.
And so on.
"That's ridiculous bordering on the absurd," said token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, "and you don't need a passport to move from one to the other. If everything can mean anything, then nothing means anything!"
That's that, then. Although it makes for a short article, which makes for a small paycheck, which makes me short on rent. Erm. Maybe a couple of ripped-from-the-headlines examples will clarify things (for my landlord if nobody else).
Kilmar Garciapolpawn was grabbed by Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service (ICES) agents on suspicion of being Latino and sent to a prison in El Salvador where primployees (prisoner employees) make licence plates out of human teeth (occasionally their own). According to President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, "This Garbadorpolpawn was a bad guy. Terrible. Worst of the worst. A drug-dealing rapist who would just as soon slit your throat as eat a peach. Who's bad? Jambon! He's bad!"
When asked for evidence of the President's charges against the man, Grey House spokesflunky Karoline Kleavittbelievitt pointed at Garciapolpawn's knuckles. Knuckleology, a well established practice in modern mysticism, reached its zenith in the 1940s, when The Three Stooges were at the height of their power. (And you thought all they did was bad physical comedy! Get with the cult program!) It is a now largely ignored theory that the shape of the knuckles on a person's hands determines their personality. Or the course of their life. Or something equally important but harder to define. Something.
Tattoos like a marijuana leaf, a smiley face with the letter X for eyes, a cross, and a skull, which were on Garciapolpawn's fingers. The President pointed out that these were symbols for the drug cartel PS-13. To reinforce this interpretation, Garciapolpawn had "I am a bad, bad drug-dealing scumbag member of PS-13" tattooed above the symbols (you had to use a magnifying glass to read it, but it was right there).
"Yeah, no," said security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance. "None of the tattoos in the image are used to represent PS-13 - they are just images of somebody who smokes weed and wants to look tough. As for the stuff printed over the images, it looks like President McDruhitmumpf wrote them with a sharpie. The President sure likes his sharpie."
"Like I said," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam repeated, "if everything can mean anything, then nothing means anything!"
There were more things that I could say on the subject, so I decided to ignore her.
More recently, the McDruhitmumpf administration argued that the shells found at the scene of the murder of right-wing wise guy Charlie Kirkindagonads proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was killed by "a member of the radical left. You know, the wing of the chicken that is rotted so thoroughly that it is no longer capable flapping, so when the chicken's head is cut off, it is only able to run around in circles!"
Three diagonal slashes on one of the bullets were said by the right to represent the three pillars of Communism. "Are you kidding me?" Donneednopennance roared. "They could be anything! Bird feet markings in the crust of apple pie! A graphic representation of Odin's wrath! Promotion for the latest Jurassic Playground movie! There is no reason to believe they have anything to do with politics!"
When it was pointed out that the slashes appeared in a video game called Helldiverse 2, Donneednopennance replied, "I don't have time for such trivia!"
"You're really not listening," the token smart person complained. "If everything can mean anything, then nothing means anything!"
Oh, that's what she's been trying to say! Sometimes, meaning really depends upon where you put the emphasis.