by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Politics Writer
"I'm disappointed in Rupert Mountkilamanjoy."
"I'm really disappointed in Rupert Mountkilamanjoy."
"Oh, now I am super duper, double dare ya pinky swear ya disappointed in Rupert Mountkilamanjoy."
When he heard the latest pronouncement from President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance looked so much like he was ready to spit rivets that I was tempted to call him Rosie. "Okay," he commented, "we get it. You're disappointed with the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, Vesampucceri's foremost international rival. When are you going to do something about it‽"
It's a question that should be tattooed on the forehead of every Grey House journalist: why isn't the President doing anything about Grand Fenwick's war in Ukraine? It should go right next to: "If you weren't such good friends, why are there so many pictures and videos of you palling around with Jepfreid Eppinefrinstein?" and "Where's the beef?"
"You just don't get it, do you?" asked Grey House spokeswraith Karoline Kleavittbelievitt (the question is tattooed on the back of her left eyelid). "The President is leading the international community by projecting strength through annoyance. When he is finished, the Prime Minister of Grand Fenwick will be so flummoxed - his oxen will have never been as flummed! - that he will give up his ambitions to reunite the Sovat Union and join a nunnery - the randy old Groot!"
"That is in-sane!" Donneednopennance shouted (his indignation goes to 11). "Rupert Mountkilamanjoy is a seasoned KGBG agent - you better believe he's worth his weight in salt! His government is committing crimes against humanity and gravity and the English language even as we speak! You think he's going to give up his ambitions because of the petulant whine of a whiny whiner? Are you high?"
As a matter of fact, I am writing this on a plane to Washburningdington, but there's no need to be insulting about it.
At 2:37 in the morning, President McDruhitmumpf tweeped: "Petulant? I'm not petulant! Just because I like chasing laser dots on the floor and being scratched behind the ears doesn't make me petulant! Malcolm Donneednopennance is a poopyhead! A precious party pooping poopyhead! Don't listen to him or, or, or I will taunt him a segond time!"
"He's compromised," Gerald wrote on Gerald's Next To Penultimate Conspiracy Page. "And I don't mean in an I want to watch Full Metal Allergist and you want to watch Family Fries, so we agree to watch Survivor: Dufferin Grove so neither of us gets what we want kind of way. No! He's compromised in the sense that Fenwick has video of the President doing something unnatural to a Pokeman on 5th Avenue, and their using it to blackmail him into doing they're bidding!"
"Oh, please!" Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy countered. "I do my bidding strictly by Hoylearthkatalog!"
"You have to forgive Gerald," Mike, the curator of Mike's Ultimate Conspiracy Page (you can almost smell the dusty cobwebs when you're reading it) wrote. "He tries a bit too hard because he's allergic to bronze and he's eager to rise out of the third spot. Truth is, Rupert Mountkilamanjoy may be a murderous thug, but he isn't a blackmailer."
"Mmm," the Prime Minister weighed his response options before reaching for his catchphrase: "You might say that, I couldn't possibly - oh, could you call me back in half an hour? Sorry, but I have to take an incoming call and I don't have time to comment..."
"As usual, Gerald gets his facts mixed up with his ass," Bob, creator of Bob's Penultimate Conspiracy Page, wrote. "The President's reticence to take action against the Duchy of Grand Fenwick is his way of living up to his part of the bargain they made: in return for Mountkilamanjoy helping him win elections, he would destroy Vesampuccerian idiotocracy from the inside. Great deal, right? I can't even get a hair loom out of Grand Fenwick!"
"When I joined the online kooky konspiracy kommunity, I thought we would work together to expose the main players in the Deep Dish State," wrote Frank of Frank's Fourth In Line To Be The Ultimate Conspiracy Page. I could almost feel the sigh drip off my computer screen when I read his message. "Imagine my disappointment when I discovered the kommunity was rife with backstabbing, character assassination and bad grammar!"
Somewhere, a Prime Minister laughs. Or at least, he will when he gets off his important call...